how to detach, how to let go?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I realized today that even though I am not physically with my ex any longer I feel like I am still on that roller coaster ride. 

My second realization is that I don't know anything about letting go.

I know that when I find myself over thinking or worrying about my ex I should turn my attention away from the past and toward the future and towards myself.

I am not having much luck doing that,  anyone have any tricks, tips, thoughts, or ideas on how to actually DO this detaching thing?

[babyducks]

I realized today that even though I am not physically with my ex any longer I feel like I am still on that roller coaster ride. 

My second realization is that I don't know anything about letting go.

I know that when I find myself over thinking or worrying about my ex I should turn my attention away from the past and toward the future and towards myself.

I am not having much luck doing that,  anyone have any tricks, tips, thoughts, or ideas on how to actually DO this detaching thing?

[Vindi]

you said the right thing by turning thoughts over to you and focusing on you.

One thing i have learned when my crazy mind "thinks" to much, I just say the word STOP out loud and think of something else.

Try to do things for you, take a walk, breath in that air, buy yourself some flowers or pick some fresh daisies outside... .  maybe journal each day how you feel.

the detaching process is hard, it doesn't come overnight, just keep the focus on you and try your best not to think of the ex.

[tailspin]

babyducks  

Detachment takes time, which is precious.  I remember wishing I had a fast forward button I could press to get through the rough times, but it was during the roughest times where I learned my greatest lessons.  It helps to set short term goals for healing because small bites are easier to digest.  You could start by setting a goal to focus 15 minutes a day doing something just for you.  I have also learned the more I try to ignore something... .  the louder it gets; for example trying not to think about my ex only caused me to think about him even more.  Instead, I limited myself to only thinking about him for 10 minutes a day or for only 2 minutes at a time.  When thinking about someone stops becoming a "bad thing" it's easier to stop doing it.

Remember what's important... .  you!

tailspin

[delgato]

Hi babyducks,


We all go through this in the earlier stages, and some days are better than others. The more distance we put behind us, though, the better off we can be.

Have you looked to the righthand side of this page? Each Lesson & stage has a separate link that provides more helpful info.


The good news is, eventually that rollercoaster slows, with not as many highs & lows and twists & turns... . and eventually comes to a stop.

[cska]

Babyducks hang in there!

I'm trying to detach as well. What helped me was to make a list of all the horrible things my gf did to me. Then a downloaded a "sticky notes" program for my laptop, so that whenever I turn on my laptop, that list pops up. That keeps me grounded.

I also have a couple of horrible texts from her that I saved on my phone. I look at them whenever my heart starts to hurt.

[seeking balance]

To the right are the 5 stages of detaching - those are actually pretty good as a guide.

Step 1 - feelings... .  what are you feeling and how to process it?  I find this one ties to the stages of grief often.

Step 2 - Self - Inquiry... .  sounds like you may be here today (this process is fluid).

Overall - the tools that I think are the ones you can count on to detach: the 3 T's

Time, Tears, Therapy

Give yourself some Time

Don't stop the Tears

Find a good Therapist

Peace,

SB

[flynavy]

I'm new here as well but have learned so much in a very short period of time.  When my wife of 32 years died after a long 7 year battle with Ovarian Cancer I thought my world was over... .  but time has been healing this wound.  Unfortunately I got into a relationship with aN BPD/NPD woman... .  I know I will never disrespect the Love I had for my wife by giving it away to another sick woman... .  when I feel the detaching is hard, I read this... .  its an excerpt from my short story I wrote chronicling my ordeal with my exBPD/NPD gf... .  


WHO SHE REALLY IS and the types of behavior she exhibited and perhaps why she is what she is:

•   May have had inappropriate contact at young age with male family member….she actually divulged this to me early on but wouldn’t say who because she said….”she did not want me to hate this person”.  This too may have been one of her lies to get me to be her “the knight in shining armor” to come to her rescue and feel so sorry for the victim.

•   In a sexual relationship with an 18 year old boy/man when she was 13 and stayed with him all through high school…making him 22 when she graduated…true.

•   Married early to an abusive alcoholic for a short time

•   Married again because she was pregnant.  Stayed with him 10 years because he had $.  As soon as his business fell apart she divorced him, 4 kids unfortunately for them, later

•   Began quite a promiscuous (sorry…just a lot of different guys) lifestyle after her divorce and then met a guy in her development and actually got engaged to him and then called it off for what reason no one really knows

•   Moved by her sister and started dating her now boyfriend (8 years now)

•   Would still see her first ex husband…even go on vacation with him.

•   Tried on line dating and getting fixed up by friends and seeing guys who are reps from work on occasion while she is in a so called committed relationship with her current boyfriend.

•   All the time keeping her personal life very private from her family and probably only one real friend…who let’s just say has the same moral fabric

•   She has fling with guy she met in a home improvement big box store because he is a “snappy dresser”…her words.  Cops/bounty hunters come to her house because he is wanted for identity fraud and goes to jail.  She may still see him/talk on occasion.  He was a married man.

•   Went out with a much older man who lost his wife …almost got married till the children intervened and stopped it.  I hear he was probably 15 years older maybe more.  He had a lot of money….see a pattern.  Her current 8 year boyfriend has a lot of money.

•   She meets me while committed to her current boyfriend

•   Accepts my marriage proposal

•   Accepts her current boyfriends proposal for marriage 2 weeks after accepting mine and dumps me…it was done very “coldly”

•   Starts seeing me for sex 2 months later while engaged – unbeknownst to me!

•   We start seeing each other regularly (4-5 times a week…mainly sexual) while she is engaged

•   I ask her to marry me again after seeing her for 8 months again…she says yes…again.  Still not sure if she is still engaged to the other guy

•   We come home one day and find a big penis drawn on her car and stuff thrown off of the deck and broken…could it be her disgruntled boyfriend who sees me there at her house everyday.

•   I start full investigation because something comes over me (compelled to do so)

•   When I find out the whole story, I call off wedding 1 month before

•   She is outraged, will not leave, becomes physically and verbally abusive

•   Finally leaves the next day

•   She is back with her current boyfriend but still rendezvous with me for sex on a routine basis

•   Her boyfriend find out one night and shows up at my house…I have to call the police because they would not leave my front yard

•   She still sees me for sex in hotels etc. while she got back with her current boyfriend again…God knows what she told him to make that happen?

•   She continues to text/call (and me too so I am no angel I guess)until I finally say enough is enough on April 24, 2013….Know why…she is in Florida text flirting with me…I meet her at airport to surprise her when she gets in ….guess who also is there.  I do not confront…but it is affirmation just how sick she really is…they were holding hands/smiling/ like an engaged couple should I guess!

•   Just sold her house…I painted it and spent a lot of $s on rugs, the listing on line, her first husband did landscaping for her at this house and her current boyfriend put in driveway and double decker deck…as far as I know any way.

I will never forget the day I called off the wedding just 4 weeks before... .  I have never been more verbally, emotionally, physically abused by a woman in my life... .  

This all keeps me strong... .  and the loving memory of my wife... .  there is hope and love for you... .  stay strong

[BenTired]

flynavy... .  Wow... .  I feel your pain... .  Sorry to say that I could write a long list to. It has been suggested that for me to actually write a list and refer to it when I have those weak moments. Many things you wrote struck a chord with me , but I will only mention 2.

1. Mine was pressuring me to marry her very heavily after we had been together maybe a month or two. She went to Kay's and bought me a $1000.00 wedding band. I found out about a month or so later that she was still in contact with her previous bf and told him about the purchase. She then went out and purchased him one too. I found the ring later as he didn't accept it for two reasons according to him... .  that she only did it to appease him because she had bought one for me... . and , get this, that the ring she bought for me was nicer and more expensive... .  Un FRICKING BELIEVABLE.

2. We were having an argument about her and the exbf having contact when she gave me the sob story that she was raped at 16 which she used to change the subject. Over a period of a few months, I would ask about the rape b/c it just didn't add up. Then she confessed to me that she was never raped, but that at 16 she started having sex with a 39 year old coach at her high school. This r/s continued through her Jr and Sr year of high school as well as her freshman year of college.

Babyducks... .  make yourself a list of the craziness that you dealt with and keep it near the most unflattering pic of your ex as you can find. Please don't return to your ex... .  Keep healing and moving forward. Some days will be easier than others but keep pushing.

[TippyTwo]

babyducks,

I am new to this detachment thing too. But, I do hear you about the  roller coaster still being present.

I am finding that detaching from a pwBPD is different from other breakups. The usual tools/coping learned from past breakups don't seem to work as well.

I am finding the roller coaster going on in my head is a combo of trying to sort out the incomprehensible and the feelings it stirs up.

I have resorted to giving myself thinking time outs. Literally telling my self to stop. I am using guided imagery to help with this i.e. visualizing myself on an actual roller coaster and finding relief when the ride comes to an end. I always seem to disembark from the ride with a smile on my face and peace in my soul. Sounds weird but its working.

Writing about what happened helps me. Somehow seeing the craziness in print makes it more real and helps me gain perspective on how bizarre things could get. And, it helps me process the feelings and confusion that go along with it. I make sure to end with reminders of what might have occurred if this was a healthy situation or how I would have wanted/expected it to go. It's a reality check to remind myself of how healthy stuff looks, unfolds, and feels. It makes me feel better about me to be able to recognize and appreciate the difference.

Physical activity helps calm my mind. So a trip to the gym, a walk on the beach, etc all helps to distract me. It's me time... .  so if she should intrude on my thoughts during me time, I picture myself bopping her in the nose, watching her move to the side as I continue onward. There is something freeing in picturing yourself moving on.

NC has worked best for me too. Any type of contact tended to rip the crust off newly healing scars and made me vulnerable to getting sucked back in. I am thankful she seems to have recycled back to her ex which gives me some breathing room and healing time before he pisses her off and she will be back.

Being around healthy people who know me helps too. They remind me of who I really am rather than the picture my ex painted of me in my own head.

This site helps a lot too. It helps to validate the experience of having been with a pwBPD. If you haven't been there, it is hard to imagine why it is so difficult to disengage.

Hang in there.

[babyducks]

Mcauleyan,

I think you got it right,  the roller coaster in my head is about trying to make sense out of the incomprehensible.  And thankfully as delgato said the roller coaster is starting to slow and I can see the time not too far distant where it will stop.  Hallelujah.

I have been following the suggestion of Vindi and others and walking.  More like hiking actually.  Over every hill and dale for hours at a time.  I think I am going to wear out a pair of sneakers.   

Friday nights were our 'special' time together and I am pleased that I got through last night with very little angst.   

Small progress, but moving in the right direction.

[TippyTwo]

babyducks,

I'm glad Friday went well for you and some of the suggestions were helpful to you.

For what it is worth, I'm beginning to learn that it is futile to try and comprehend the incomprehensible. Progress, it seems, is just calling it what it is/was and letting go of it. It takes time and sometimes a concerted effort to do this.

Sometimes, it seems to me, that there was so much chaos within the communication and emotions that I had forgotten what it was like to have healthy interactions. I had also forgotten how wonderful it was to feel peaceful within myself.

And the time... .  so much time and energy went into the dysfunction, I now feel like there are so many hours in the day to fill. Thankfully, I can fill them with stuff that is me focused, and rekindling friendships, and doing the things I enjoy doing. Nothing better to help you reclaim your life and self esteem than focusing on yourself.

You are on a journey back to you. That's huge!