pwBPD and Compromise...

[bruceli]

"Thinking it was a great opportunity to offer a compromise,"  Just saw this in another post and it automatically triggered a thought. I have brought up the concept of compromise with my BPDw so many times I can't count.  When it is brought up, I always get no reply and a look from her like she does'nt even understand the concept.  Has anyone else experienced this with their pwBPD?

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[DivDad]

It's very common.

Blines see things as all black or all white.

Compromise is not in their vocabulary.

Reasoning is not in their mind set.

They are myopic of most everything.

Don't bother trying to compromise.  Blines have no idea what a give and take relationship is.

It's all about them.

Not you and not the relationship.

[hanginon]

I would have to agree with DivDad. I know in my relationship, compromise is something that I do in order to keep her from going into a rage about something I have either done or have not been agreeable about.  The only time she has even remotely considered anything has been recently because she is aware that she is going to have to modify her behavior or our relationship as it exists today will not survive. She is not able to provide for herself so that has gotten her attention.  That is the only time I have been able to get her agreeable to anything I have to say.  I suppose that is a little one sided on my part but I have come to the pont that if she can't help herself... .  she can find another persons life to rule.

[yeeter]

Yes.  Its also hindered by what is considered 'fair'.

When we agree to split something my way vs her way, a 50/50 split will FEEL to her like 'never'.  So the emotional, FEELING side of it needs to be closer to 90/10 (in her favor) to feel like a compromise.

Its just part of the emotional dynamic.  So to some degree, we have to learn to be comfortable with being accused of things 'always' being our way.  (since to them, it will FEEL this way).

Grow thick skin.  Be fair.  And be confident in your own sense of fairness.

[lizzie458]

I agree with yeeter.  I can compromise with dBPDh on something where it's really 90/10 him/me - in other words, he gets almost all of what he wants - and he generally FEELS like I am getting my way because he is compromising at all.  I used to try to get him to understand the situation as it really is (he's getting almost everything he wants!), but those convos never went anywhere useful or good.  I let him be disappointed now whenever he is, and am trying to rely more on my sense of fairness so that I'm not completely surrendering to H all the time. 

[bruceli]

Yes.  Its also hindered by what is considered 'fair'.

When we agree to split something my way vs her way, a 50/50 split will FEEL to her like 'never'.  So the emotional, FEELING side of it needs to be closer to 90/10 (in her favor) to feel like a compromise.

Its just part of the emotional dynamic.  So to some degree, we have to learn to be comfortable with being accused of things 'always' being our way.  (since to them, it will FEEL this way).

Grow thick skin.  Be fair.  And be confident in your own sense of fairness.

Oh so true... .  Last night is a good example.  She went out with the girls so I went out to shop and eat.  BIG MISTAKE evidentally!  The classic... .  I can do it to you but HOW DARE you do it to me.  Told me to move out and she slept on the couch.

[yeeter]

And here is where we get into it... .  

So when she reacted this way, how did YOU feel?  (if like me, you owned a lot more than was reasonable and let it bother you more than it should... .  To the point that you might alter your behavior in a less fair way.  Then resent it)

[bruceli]

Kept my ground, validated and went to sleep.  She came in about 15 min later to engage and start a fight but i just rolled over and went back sleep. 

[daylily]

Grow thick skin.  Be fair.  And be confident in your own sense of fairness.

I love this yeeter!   

[bruceli]

Grow thick skin.  Be fair.  And be confident in your own sense of fairness.

I love this yeeter!   

I agree, I feel that I have grown skin like a Rhino

[LetItBe]

Blines have no idea what a give and take relationship is.

It's all about them.

Not you and not the relationship.

This was what I experienced with my uBPDxbf.  He couldn't do the normal asking and giving of a healthy r/s.

[waverider]

Compromise for me only worked when it was clever marketing and use of distraction to make it seem as though she was getting more out of it "the perceptual carrot" then she really was.