Dilemma

[allibaba]

I have a dilemma.  My husband was married before me.  The beauty of our jurisdiction is that as soon as one spouse makes allegations of abuse towards children - as part of the investigation, they do a full psychiatric analysis on BOTH parents.

Well my husband was diagnosed with anxiety and highly functional BPD but his ex-wife was determined to be a FULL BLOWN delusional Narcissist. 

Fast forward 7 years and his ex-wife and has married and divorced 3 times since (4 including my husband).  Now she is engaged to be married again.  My husband has a lot of issues but he IS A GOOD MAN.  This lady is bad news.  Someone should warn the new guy what he is getting into.  This woman acts one way before she gets married and then turns as soon as the ceremony is over.

I am generally the type to sit back and let things happen but doesn't this guy deserve to know before he destroys his life.

Maybe someone could send him a note 'The woman that you are marrying is not what she seems.  I know that you are very happy but before you take this leap check into her a little more.'

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bruceli]

I know that we maybe dealing with a possible pwBPD/NPD/ASPD... .  But assuming she tells, and we also know that she may not be so forth-coming with that information, her soon to be 5th husband that he is number 5.  That should be warning enough.

[allibaba]

Not only does she think that there is nothing wrong with her - she thinks that she is an exceptional person.  I don't know if he knows that he's number 5 but I'll assume that he does.

Thanks for the thought.  You are right.  Knowing that he is number 5 in only a few years should be enough of a warning.

[bruceli]

It should, but I confess... .  BPDxgf... .  3 kids from 2 guys and 4 marriges in 6 years... .  How RED was that flag... .  Did'nt see it at all at the time.

[allibaba]

Do you wish someone had said something to you?

[bruceli]

No... .  it was a good, yet expensive learning experience for me.  Plus... .  I was soo into her, that I would'nt have listened.

[Grey Kitty]

I am generally the type to sit back and let things happen but doesn't this guy deserve to know before he destroys his life.

If you know the guy and have a real relationship with him, yes, talk to him.

If you don't know him other than knowing who he is about to marry... .  I don't see much chance of a good outcome.

You describe your husband's ex as a snake. You don't go around kicking snakes. And you can bet she wouldn't be happy with somebody "warning" her future husband away if she knew about it.

And if he doesn't know and trust you, why would he listen to you instead of the woman he's about to marry?

[allibaba]

Agreed.  I'll stay out of it.  Just wish that someone he knows and trusted could take him aside and warn him.  The fact that he is #5 in a decade should be fair enough warning that things are not what they seem. 

My husband doesn't know yet.  Have to find a good time to tell him too.  He's not going to be happy about that but 'oh well'.