Therapy and change

[shutout]

Not sure if this question is going to make sense.

Brief back ground: I am going through cancer treatment and am NC with family (my choice due to a sequence of events that completely disrespected me at time of diagnosis).  I am upset that I do not have support during this time.  I am also angry that I have followed/obeyed/listened to/taken into consideration and helped family members all my life and basically put up with bad behaviour thinking that if I really needed my family they would be there for me.

I now understand my family are not the people that I want them to be and I know the only way that I can have them in my life is to put up with more abuse and manipulation.

Adding to this, I have progressively become untrusting of the medical profession due to several errors and question a them a lot more than what I would consider the average patient would.  It is now noted on my medical records I am an anxious patient.  They also know I have no contact with my family.  It was suggested I see a therapist so I agreed.

After five sessions I feel like I have gotten nowhere.  Therapist says Ive pushed my family away yet I want them in my life. 

[shutout]

CONTINUED... .  sent first in error without completing.

What the therapist said is true - I do want them in my life however they are not going to change who they are and I feel like I should be concentrating on me at this time.

My question is... .  why does everyone think I need fixing because I have moments of being upset or angry?  I am going through some tough days with treatment and have minimal support.  For nine months I have not had any help other than from my husband and daughter.  I am not stuck - I react when something new happens like when a medical mistake is made or uBPDm aggressively reengages.

I really feels like my feelings are being invalidated and I should just accept everything without reaction.  I understand that its not healthy to get caught up on things and to play the continual victim and Im not however it feels most think I am no matter how much I explain otherwise.

Does this make sense?  Any comments?

[Clearmind]

Shutout, all the best to you while you go through this treatment. You have a lot on your plate right now.

There are ways to have them in your life my friend – it does take some work on our part to not engage in the drama and set some firm boundaries. The choice is always yours.

More importantly, this time really is about you and your healing and expending your energy on getting your body and mind better.

Do you need fixing? Maybe not! Do you need support and some guidance after having grown up in a BPD household? Most likely Yes. Is it OK to be angry and upset? Of course – these are your feelings!

Sometimes when we have a BPD parent we often question whether our emotions are misappropriated – I know I do! I wonder what the “normal” reaction would be for someone who did not grow up in a BPD household.

JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) is a term that was completely new to me. I would JADE to my hearts content to seek validation that what I was feeling was valid. I have since learnt that I know what is valid and find comfort in trusting my perception and judgement. It has taken me a while to get to this stage and a lot of work – sifting through my faulty beliefs from childhood and working on self-trust and my inner critic.

I think its wonderful you are seeking therapy shutout – don’t be afraid to feel your emotions.

What brought you to bpdfamily shutout?

[GeekyGirl]

Hi shutout, 

I think it's very normal to have moments of anger or frustration in general, but added stressors like cancer treatment and feelings that your family is unsupportive make it even more understandable.

Therapy (T) doesn't necessarily "fix" you or mean that there's anything wrong with you. I try to look at it a little differently: T helps me be the best person I can be and teaches me how to deal with stressors in healthy ways. Sometimes just looking at it from a different perspective can help.

T is also a lot of work, and after 5 sessions, you may not have made a lot of progress. Don't beat yourself up for that. It's a lengthy process. Sometimes it takes meeting with a different therapist. Give it some time, perhaps try a different therapist (if you didn't meet with several) and see what makes you feel comfortable.

It's also understandable that you have some apprehension about the medical community after you've lived through some errors and trials. What, if anything, would you like to change about your current situation? Are you comfortable with the clinicians that are treating you?

I agree with Clearmind--this is a time to really focus on your healing (both physical and emotional). How can we best support you?

[XL]

I have found the medical system irritating as well. There's something about bureaucracy and a sort of arrogance involved that really sets me off. I think it has to do with a distrust of undeserved authority, which is understandable. (If you're in America, it's not just you. Our system really is irritating, even to normal people, and even within "good" hospitals).

Is there a patient advocate on staff, or a support group who can help you navigate your procedures, maybe to find some standard expectations of care?

[Cordelia]

Bringing the expectation of "fixing" into therapy was a real stumbling block for me too.  I had internalized it so I accepted the idea that something was seriously wrong with me that only therapy could fix, and I would work hard and judge my progress and get frustrated when I didn't see the changes I wanted to see. 

I've come to realize that this whole model of the therapeutic process as one of fixing someone who is broken (or something within them) is not the most helpful.  You are not a machine that is failing to function!  You are a person who doesn't have to be any particular way at all to be valuable.  Take a hard look at your expectations of yourself and see if they are reasonable.  You are going through something very extreme right now (cancer treatment) without any support so it may not be realistic to expect you to behave as you normally would.  And you may need more support than you normally would.  Are there support groups for people with your diagnosis?  A religious community you take part in?  Getting extra help can seem like such a big step, and imposition on others, near strangers, but many people are anxious to help, waiting for the opportunity, they just need to know what you need and what they can do.  Therapy itself can be a great form of extra support too, if you think of it as having someone that's available for you to talk to without judging you, who can help you figure out what you are going through.  It may seem obvious what you are going through, but often there are undercurrents we don't see, memories that get evoked in new circumstances, and a therapist can help you tease out what is really going on.  Not to fix it or put these issues to bed forever so you never have to deal with them again, but just to see what is really happening so you understand your own life better, and the connection between your past and your present. 

Wishing you a speedy and full recovery... .