Dealing with verbal abuse

[allibaba]

Starting to put boundaries in place is changing my life.

2 weeks ago I posted something on this board about not even knowing how to limit the abuse any more.  I was so lost.  I had almost given up and just accepted that I would be abused verbally because this was the situation I had chosen.

Grey Kitty jumped in with a couple of suggestions... .  and in 2 weeks I feel like I living with another person.  My husband helps out around the house.  He does laundry, dishes, gardening... .  I look at him and perceive him as stronger... .  I feel less like a victim and a martyr.  He is actively helping me manage money around the house.  He's starting to be less dominating and more caring.

2 weeks may not seem like much to people whose BPD significant others only fly off the handle occasionally... .  but mine was going off the handle multiple times a day with a Major incident at least once a week lasting multiple days.  THE BEST THAT I COULD EXPECT was a verbal berating (abusive) for an hour in the morning before he left for work. That was a good day.

Granted external factors are helping (he's really enjoying his new job, getting his self esteem back, we haven't had much additional outside stress)... .  but he's started in on the abuse when he doesn't feel well and I have been walking away.  So far so good.  I can almost see a normal life.  Just hope that the light at the end of the tunnel isn't a freight train.     Have to keep reading the lessons and be ready when the stress hits.

But I realize that yesterday my husband lost it (so obviously things aren't perfect around here) and I was able to keep things under control. He threw a bunch of stuff in the kitchen and I calmly told him that I was really tired and needed a nap so I'd be in the bedroom.  He came in and out a few times and slammed the door but I stood my ground.  The outburst lasted all of 20 minutes.  Afterwards he went and picked up all the stuff that he had thrown around the house (that never used to happen)... .  and snapped back to normal.

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[Grey Kitty]

   Fantastic news, and keep up the good work!

(Gee, should I be looking to see if you started a new thread already, or just be an optimist?)

[allibaba]

Ha ha - I do have a new thread (husband is going through some stress since Wed) and wanted input on how to handle something.

But I'm just letting him go through it.  Its not my right to try to make him better or take away the pain.

The boundaries are working well so far.   I have not sat through any verbal beating since I first posted to you and I started my work.  I can tell he isn't feeling loved... . so gotta work on being loving and kind with detachment.

Thank you.  Again this is literally changing my life. 

[Rockylove]

I suppose I'm getting push back when I remove myself if the conversation turns to blaming and I'm feeling that it's potentially going to get ugly.  My bf said that my silence speaks volumes because it's something that I don't want to hear.     Well, yeah... . I don't want to hear a bunch of garbage even if it has some grain of truth.  He will pick one part (or even one word) of what I'm saying and twist it.  It seems to work to walk away to some extent though... . at least we both calm down.  Of course there can be no mention of what we were discussing when things get heated or it will start all over again.  Some things are better left unsaid.

[lizzie458]

Doesn't it suck when you realize it's not always a great idea to say what's on your mind?  I used to think you should be able to completely bare your soul in marriage, but in my situation I think that is not wise.  Self-preservation and long term goals are only recently becoming important enough to me to bite my tongue.

[Jeansok]

Alliba I can relate to EVERYTHING you are saying here. One of my main struggles is exactly what you mentioned about canceling plans and finding things wrong with people. I find myself catering to his every need. If he befriends someone then like you I try and do the same so we might actually get to do something with someone else for a change and feel normal. Grey Kitty you give me hope. My husband really is trying lately and we will be seeing a psychologist. Appointments are for next week. I just need to learn to be stronger and set boundaries. This forum has been so helpful and I'm continually amazed at it all. I just can't believe I find myself in this situation. Being strong and knowing I don't have to put up with it helps and just having all this knowledge. At first I let it break me down for the first year and a half until I realized what was really going on... .

[allibaba]

At first I let it break me down for the first year and a half until I realized what was really going on... .

  I understand... . I think that we all got into this situation initially!  For me it was probably 5+ years... .

I have to reiterate that the steps that Grey Kitty has suggested here are ACTUALLY WORKING.  This is over the course of a couple of weeks... . Initally I mentioned that I was so frustrated that 'I didn't even know to not sit like a bump on a log while I was being verbally abused'.  Grey Kitty jumped in on this post and gave a few recommendations.  I was able to put them in place and BAM the dynamic in our house has started to change in a positive way.  That is not to say that we don't still have our moments.  My husband still has a meltdown about once a week but overall there are so many positives.  For the first time in years, my husband is helping out around the house and we are starting to live a balanced life as a family.  I expect LOTS of steps backwards (don't we all)  , but overall I feel SO SO SO much better!

[Jeansok]

Thanks  Allibaba, I guess I missed that post. I will definitely work on putting this into  action. I do see a big change when I do stand my ground, but there will be less madness I believe to making a concerted effort... .

[allibaba]

Jeansok,

This post started off as something else (I was asking for book recommendations for husband for DBT that didn't mention BPD).  Fortunately I was informed that giving him a self help book would likely be perceived as invalidating... . and it rolled off into this discussion (I was desperately looking for a way to stop the beratings).

It was heartbreaking actually.  I would just sit there and listen and listen while my uBPDh tore me to shreads every morning.  I am a professional woman (with a high stress, high powered job)... . and I couldn't even walk away when my husband (who does a much less intense job) called me a STUPID piece of _____.  Often my son (a toddler) would be sitting there too.  I felt paralyzed.  I knew enough not to JADE... . but not had tried over and over to implement boundaries and it wasn't working.

When I am implementing boundaries I am a strong, competent woman, good mother, good friend, good wife, good lover etc.  When I'm acting co-dependent... . well my whole life seems to fall apart. 

I believe that Grey Kitty changed the name of the post and chopped some of the less relevant stuff out of it... .

So... . the most important things that I learned here was:

1. boundaries must be implemented with consistency otherwise it is much more difficult to get the effect.

2.  it doesn't matter whether my spouse has 'buy in'.  Focus on what is important to me.  In fact telling him about the boundary may just be an invitation to him 'to break the rules'.  You can work this stuff right in the moment.

3.  Some people walk away without saying anything (and it works for them) but I don't think that its fair to my spouse personally.  If someone was going to walk out on me in the middle of a discussion then the least they could do is tell me why.  'I am leaving this discussion because at this point I am worried that I will say something I regret.'

4.  Start small.  Its hard for my uBPDh to understand why what normally works isn't working and like a toddler he will throw a tantrum.  For me - I narrowed it down to two things both related to Verbal abuse

1.  When he starts calling me names

2.  When he starts telling me why I am the scum of the earth (should never have been born - stupid, disorganized, etc.)  I decided that I would have two strategies - one for in the house and one for in the car.

For the house - if he starts up I say "please don't speak to me like that.  If you do, you can finish your own ______ (fill in blank here)."  Our scenarios usually involved me making breakfast or packing his lunch.  For some reason a lot of times I got paralyzed because I didn't want him going to work without his meals... .   Kind of twisted.  He is saying the worst most horrible things to me and I am worrying about him not having a sandwich at lunch.  CODEPENDENT cough.  My husband is a competent man... . if I stop in the middle of making him breakfast or lunch he is TOTALLY capable of 1. finishing it.  2. making something else.  3.  buying something out!

For the car - if he starts driving with road rage.  Calling me names etc... . then I tell him "if you keep speaking to me like this then please pull over and leave me by the side of the road."  I started carrying a purse again with a charged phone, cash, etc in it and spoke to one of my friends to warn her that I may be sitting on the side of the road and need a ride   I hear that its important in a car not to provoke them more.  This boundary seems to be working for us because frankly my husband is totally paranoid about my safety and I am VERY important to him.  The LAST thing that he wants to do is leave me on the side of the road where he can't protect me (IRONIC isn't it).

I couple of years ago I thought my husband was NPD and I found a self help book online that talked about boundaries -- but the biggest thing that kept it from working was that I kept saying to him "You cannot treat me like this." and he saw it as an invitation to prove that he could.  Now I realize that he can treat me however he wants to... . but that doesn't mean I need to accept it. 

Sorry for the novel but it was actually a good recap for me.  I hope you get something out of it.   

[Jeansok]

Allibaba, actually this has been extremely helpful. And the in the car part, sometimes I just sit there and pray he we don't get into an accident when he's raging. This is very helpful, I have recently said something similar but not really knowing what I was doing. When he starts with the name calling and such I will try this everytime instead of taking it so personal like I tend to do... .

[allibaba]

I was surprised by how quickly my uBPDh reacted (in a positive way) to the boundaries.

I do think that there were a couple of other factors in play... .

1.  I think that he would be classified as high functioning... . and I think that helps.  I think that the way that I didn't put any responsibility on him was actually making him feel like he wasn't worth responsibility.

2.  A therapist had also identified to me (just based on my visits) that my husband just didn't feel like he was adding much value to the world (a lot of insecurity)... . we had moved to a new country and he has struggled to get back into his career... . and has taken a lower paying, lower responsibility job... . The therapist suggested that I try to steer him toward something that would help build back self-esteem.  I realized that because of anxiety trying to get him back into his career of choice might not be the best idea... . but found a volunteer activity that I knew that he would throw himself into and that he would be naturally good at.  He has gotten involved with it over the last few months and its really helping him a lot.

3.  Even though my uBPDh has realized that something has been wrong for a while and even though he agreed to see someone -- he ended up backing out.  I realized that my attempts to get him into therapy were actually invalidating (constantly confirming that something about him is wrong).  I realized that I had better work on keeping my own side of the street clean first.

Anyway GOOD LUCK!  I hope that you have a positive result.

[allibaba]

Well I guess if realizing that you can't continue in the current situation is STEP 0

And learning how to use proper boundaries to limit the abuse is STEP 1

Then for me STEP 2 is learning to get better at Validation.

My husband was in a mood this morning... . and it was very very interesting because since I started effectively implementing boundaries he has basically stopped calling me names and the overt verbal abuse has stopped... . but this morning coolly and calmly he was laying into me. 

First off I was very grateful that there was no name calling and I was very grateful that the outright... . 'you should never have been born' type comments were missing from our dialogue.  He also didn't once call me stupid.  SMALL VICTORIES!

Second I knew that I was leaving the house for work shortly... . there was a built in escape.

But I realized on the way into work that not once had I validated his feelings this morning -- DOH!  No wonder he feels like I don't listen to him.

The last thing that happened before I left was I asked for his paycheck.  We had discussed it yesterday and he had asked if I would deposit it today and I said sure.  So I brought it to him and asked him to endorse it.  He said "All you care about is money. Once you start caring about me and my needs again then you can deposit my paycheck."  HMMMM I was actually doing him a favor... . but hey ho.

I came to work.  Looked up the validation tools discussion that Grey Kitty posted earlier in this thread... . read it and then sent a message saying "Hey.  I know that you worked hard for your paycheck and I can understand that me wanting to deposit it into our account makes you feel like all I care about is money.  Anyway love you and hope that your day improves."

He checked the message about an hour later and immediately called me to give me a report of what he was doing (his version of the white flag).  I think that validation may have saved us from spinning off into conflict.  These are powerful tools.

[Grey Kitty]

You do have those steps in the right order. I still don't think I'm particularly good at validation yet, or that I consistently notice when I should do it. I remember that doing more validation with everyone was my new year's resolution... .

I would add one other step that you need to do prior to validation being effective:

Make sure that you aren't saying things that are invalidating. It is way too easy to do that in a conflict situation... . and two pounds of validation are completely contaminated with an ounce of invalidation mixed in.