my pwBPD abandonment issues and family

[Vindi]

ok, this just bugs me... .  I know when my pwBPD was young, he had so many abandonment issues, when he was 5 y/o he was left alone at home, with no one there, to watch his newborn brother, my pwBPD said he was scared and upset that his parents just left him there, even until the nite when it was dark, this happend on a few occasions (both his parents worked, and back in "the day" they just left him alone)

We live together on/ off and have for 8 plus years, luckily i joined this site last year, a godsend... .  what I notice now, since we recently started living together again... .  he doesn't call his father (his mom passed away a few years ago)... .  back a few years ago they used to talk all the time, now he hasn't spoken with his dad in about 3 mos... .  and I keep asking him to call his father... .  even his grandmother send him a birthday card and my pwBPD couldn't even p/u the phone to say thank you to his grandma, I just see bad etiquette right there... .  with his dad the same response back is "well, he can call me too, and hasn't"... .  I myself am so close to my family, talk to my mom a few times a week and keep the family connection always. My pwBPD on the other hand, abandons his children now... .  cuz he tried over and over and over

again to keep in touch and the kids never ever call him back... .  the

kids are 13 y/o and 17 y/o... .  He send cards, gifts calls on b'days etc most of the time to get the answering machine. And feels like he

is a neglected dad. I always say, "you are the parent and need to be there for your kids no matter what" and he tells me "to mind my own business and stay out"... .  we don't have any children together, but these issues with his dad (not calling) and even with thanking his grandma for the birthday card he got in the mail, and with his kids... .  he just says "if the kids want to talk they know how to reach me"... .  I dunno, i just feel like I am a contributor with all thats going on in "his" life. I feel like I am an accessory to his way of life... .  I myself would always keep in touch with family, and I too even talk to his kids on the phone... .  BUT HE won't cuz the kids never call him on the phone, even for fathers day... .  I dunno, i see so many abandonment issues and feel like I am a contributor on his part, cuz I accept the way he treats his dad, grandma and kids... .  and I know I need to step back and just take care of me.

Any insight would be great!

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[naloorider]

Hi vindi,

I hear that you're frustrated, and maybe feel a bit helpless, because you have to watch your SO make choices that you feel are not the best ones.

My BPDgf is pretty close to her family, so I don't see the exact same thing, but i can relate to watching her make choices in her life that I think would be better for her  if she did them differently.  I am VERY good at giving advice, and telling what she should do, and she doesn't like it much. In fact she resents it, and feels like I'm like her father. (a real libido killer, among other things ;-)  So I try and bite my tongue a lot and try and let her find her own way. 

When I can't resist the urge to tell her what I think she should do, I try to be aware that I'm wanting to give advice and try to frame it in a way that it's just a suggestion and where I'm not attached to whether she takes it or not. i might ask it like a question:  "have you considered the possibility that... .  " or "One way of handling that could be... .  "  And just leave it at that, and try and get over myself in thinking that I know what's best for her. (ha! which is hard because I really DO think I know what's best!)

Don't know if that can apply to your situation, but hope it helps in some way!

Good luck!

naloorider

[waverider]

How is his way of behaving affecting him? Is he resentful, using tit for tat? Or has he just had enough of being ignored?

My partner has had a lifetime of one way traffic with little coming back, I wish she would just ease off as the expectation causes so many issues and resentment.

I wouldn't pester him what to do but you can ask to discuss how these communication issues are affecting him. Dont get too wrapped up in trying to "fix" the symptoms of deeper issues, which may not be obvious.

[Vindi]

thanks Naloorider and waverider, I do feel like this is a parent (me) child relationship... .  its just common sense, and Iknow alot of this

stems from his childhood abandonment, I hear people take what they learn when they are young, inot their adulthood. Just like people with

alcoholism in the family, usually marry an alcholic.

Hi vindi,

I hear that you're frustrated, and maybe feel a bit helpless, because you have to watch your SO make choices that you feel are not the best ones.

aware that I'm wanting to give advice and try to frame it in a way that it's just a suggestion and where I'm not attached to whether she takes it or not. i might ask it like a question:  "have you considered the possibility that... .  " or "One way of handling that could be... .  "  And just leave it at that, and try and get over myself in thinking that I know what's best for her. (ha! which is hard because I really DO think I know what's best!)

this makes alot of sense, and yes, i have tried this, I guess I know I am right about how I feel, its just he doesn't "see" it that way, he feels like he is being abandoned by his children... .  and I have stopped pressuring him into doing the right thing, it just bugs me that he hasn't done the right thing (he just see's it as everyone

is abandoning him) again, the incident that happened when he

was a child, and there is alot more to it, he says he was abused

by his dad, beaten, thrown across the room etc, for many many

years, so maybe too he has resentment towards his dad and is

not communicating.

And Waverider, yes, he just had enough of being ignored. And yes, I know I can't "fix" him... .  it just comes to light to me, every few months or so as time goes on and on... .  and he distances himself further and further away from his Dad, Grandma, and children... .  

thanks for letting me vent, and for now I will Let Go and Let God... .  

you guys are great!