Dealing with awkward, uncomfortable silence on the phone

[ApChagi1]

My dBPDw has a habit of calling me at work and when I answer the phone, she is pretty much silent.  It is like pulling teeth to get her to talk at all, yet if I try to politely ask her anything or guide the conversation, she will either criticize my attempts or say I should know better what she needs or is willing to talk about. 

If I try to end the call politely, she accuses me of abandoning her.  If I don't answer the call to begin with, I am avoiding her.

Has anyone experienced this and can you offer suggestions? 

Thanks, and good luck out there!

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[bruceli]

Yep... .  classic no win scenario as well as their control issues.

[lizzie458]

OK this is going to sound ridiculous, but sometimes I feel like your W - though probably quite a bit less intensely, and I express it differently.  For me, talking to my dBPDh can be really anxiety-laden because of the double binds.  But my codependency has me wanting to stay on the phone with him.  So what ends up happening is, as he gets frustrated, I freeze because I feel like anything I say will make it worse, he tries to end the phone call abruptly, I feel abandoned because he's hurt me once (by snipping at me and discarding my feelings), then getting ready to drop me when I'm already injured.  I know you said you try to gently guide the conversation and then try to end the call politely, but of course she experiences it completely differently.

Now, knowing that BP's generally lash out, make accusations, etc. when they feel hurt, the above scenario could be one possibility of what's going on.  I know what helps me, but that's very different from what would help a pwBPD.  However, I thought maybe hearing it from the other side of things can shed some light and make her seem a little more human again.  Sounds like she wants to feel you nearby, but is anxious about keeping your attention.

[tuum est61]

Hi Ap,

I have faced the same issues on the phone.  Before I started validating Try SET along the lines of of

S."I'd like our phone converstions to go better."

E."It must be frustrating that I don't have a better read on what your concerns are"

T. "how about we talk about this when I get home tonight?"

My W stated that she finds this approach patronizing but it has the effect of acknowledging her concerns about my lack of mind reading  and the comittment to "talk later" reduces the feeling of abandonment - even though we never would talk about it later. That's because none of what your W is expecting of you is rational - but it is how she feels.  The feeling will pass if you validate. 

And by the way, you can also set a boundary around not taking her calls at work. Use call display or otherwise screen her calls.  Y