As my head clears...

[bruceli]

In the midst of raging, telling me to leave, with that LOOK in her eyes.  dBPDw says... .  what makes you think I have BPD... .  Just went straight to bed after that... .  anyone else... .  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[byasliver]

My uBPDh has been told by two "civilian" therapists that he has PTSD but because three "military" therapists told him they can't officially diagnose him with PTSD because he won't admit to having "flashbacks" or remembering any traumatic event. (Btw, the therapists are treating the same symptoms I've seen that indicate BPD so I really don't care what they call it) Instead, they are calling it "adjustment disorder". He chooses to believe the military therapists even though he's been told by many people that the military is VERY reluctant to diagnose any soldier with PTSD because of the stigma and financial obligation they would then have. Doesn't matter to him: all he hears is that he is "fine."

In my experience and what I've read of others, getting them to admit the symptoms (usually only one at a time at best) is easier than getting them to admit to any mental illness.

[lizzie458]

... .  getting them to admit the symptoms (usually only one at a time at best) is easier than getting them to admit to any mental illness.

YES.  I was shocked when my dBPDh actually admitted he had some of the traits... .  but he absolutely refused that he has "full blown BPD".  Hey man, whatever makes it easier to swallow.  Took a long time for me to let go of the compulsion to make him see his illness (reality).

[waverider]

What they believe today is not necessary what they believe tomorrow, so dont get hung up on labels. They can be peeled off and stuck back on at leisure.

As byasliver mentions discuss only symptoms not diagnosis.

You say BPD and they may hear "you are a complete looser with no hope and everything bad that has ever happened is your fault". Its a no brainer what reaction someone with extreme denial behavior is like to display when faced with that.

[raindancer]

What they believe today is not necessary what they believe tomorrow, so dont get hung up on labels. They can be peeled off and stuck back on at leisure.

That's a good way to put it waverider. The labels do seem to be peeled off and put back at leisure.

My pwBPD was diagnosed years ago. It's only been recently that he actually connects the patterns of his life to BPD, and is looking for a therapist - and even then he still gives "the look" when we talk about BPD in connection to something he does.

As though "doesn't everyone do that?" No, but like you bruceli, I've learned to just walk away rather than debate it or invalidate him by saying that not everyone does this or that... .  I've come to the realisation that until I know how to communicate something in a validating way I just don't say anything at all - eventually he figures it out and puts his own label on it one way or the other... .  

[lizzie458]

- and even then he still gives "the look" when we talk about BPD in connection to something he does.

As though "doesn't everyone do that?"

If I had a penny for every time dBPDh has railed at me about how I'm not "normal" and that everyone is like him... .  I'm the one who's wacky... .  

When we used to have those fights and I'd try to help him see how nutso he was acting, he'd project right back onto me to escape the reality of the situation - which was that his actions were not reasonable or helpful (and of course everything was black/white, all or nothing).  Mine weren't either, but it took a lot longer to figure that out!  Hehehe.

[lizzie458]

In other words, yeah it's not wise to label or try to get them to see what you see.

[waverider]

What they believe today is not necessary what they believe tomorrow, so dont get hung up on labels. They can be peeled off and stuck back on at leisure.

I've come to the realisation that until I know how to communicate something in a validating way I just don't say anything at all - eventually he figures it out and puts his own label on it one way or the other... .  

This is important and part of the self realization and soothing required to get anywhere. A pwBPD cant simply be told what to do, or bluntly analysed, that just triggers auto defensiveness and denial.

[jedicloak]

Everything waverider said is accurate from my experience... .  you look at them as they go off the deep end... .  thinking, "that (behavior/reaction) just ain't right."

[dickL]

uBPDw denial has lead her to accept previous T diagnosis as situational anxiety,depression," garden variety fruitloop ", 10 yrs ago . she since recovered repressed memory of sexual abuse by older B at age 4 , huge red flag to me ! never been back to T since and she became worse .refuses futher T as useless w/out me changing . living w/me for 37yrs had caused her problems . until i came here i felt she was right. she  admitted a couple of times her brain doesn't work right and she makes self-destructive choices , multiple disastrous love affairs. the old it's not me, its you. i love her but now better understand her illness and what its done to my son and i . she has run away cross country to old lover again, w nc for 5 wks .it breaks my heart . she craves attention from men at any cost, when the " honeymoon" ends they dump her. he and i have been in T couple of years and learning how to not make it worse , she will be back if his wife doesn't hurt her like before. i handled everything wrong before, tried to reason w/her while at war.

[bruceli]

Agreed, well put all.  That's why T with a pwBPD usually goes 2 steps forward 1 step back I would assume?