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Author Topic: Better understanding of boundaries  (Read 467 times)
qcarolr
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married to DH since 1976
Posts: 4926



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« on: May 09, 2013, 07:17:22 PM »



I was looking for info on SET and the search brought up this thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=194050.0;all#lastPost

The copied reply from that thread has given me an understanding of how to love my DD and to let her go - and hopefully keep some safe connection with her in the process.

QCR  

Re: How to 'detach' and set boundaries if they won't let us?

« Reply #16 on: April 20, 2013, 10:29:59 AM »

byasliver 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is an old thread but it was just a HUGE help to me! My uBPDh has been very dysregulated for the last few days and it has led to some talks of separating between us and his threatening to take our son with him. When this has come up in the past we both agreed to not discuss such things with our son (he's only 6) until we did it together or had discussed between us what should/n't be said. Just a bit ago my son came to me saying, "When Daddy moves, can I go with him?" I was instantly filled with some very intense feelings. I kept them hidden long enough to tell my son, "We will discuss that later, k?" He bounded off happily but my mind was reeling! I kept thinking, "He's breaking a boundary AGAIN! But how I stop this? How to I make him understand what he's doing?" Then I did a quick search in these forums and am I ever glad I did! I have also been burying myself in the WOE workbook today. The one statement that stood out most from this thread was "Boundaries are actions YOU take." Then I opened my WOE workbook and this is the paragraph I was on, "“Detach with Love” should be your motto. You need to keep your life from being a series of BPD-related crises. The message to your BP is: “I care about you, but I recognize that you must make your own choices in life. I can love you, but I can’t live your life for you. I can point you in the right direction, but I can’t push you down the path.” The BP is responsible for the crises she creates. It is a BPD trait to create dramas, consciously or unconsciously. You can make those emotional dramas your problem, or you can let the BP handle them as best she can (given the appropriateness of the situation and the age of the BP). If you take responsibility for the BP’s chaos, you risk reinforcing that behavior and causing yourself a lot of grief. If you let the BP handle her own problems, it’s more likely that she’ll learn how to take care of things herself or avoid dramas altogether." I FINALLY GET IT! The BPD behavior and all that comes with it is THEIRS and is about THEM! Boundaries and how we choose to act or react is OURS and about US! Crazymaking happens when we buy into THEIR feelings and behaviors. Those are theirs and there is NOTHING we can do about that. We can only own and manage our OWN feelings, thoughts and actions.

Here's how I relate that to what just happened with my son: uBPDh has been saying things about moving out, etc to our son because he knew our son would then make statements to me. In the past, that would have made me upset with uBPDh and I would have confronted him in some way about it which would have created an argument/crisis. Now, instead, I realize that just because HE broke MY boundary, that doesn't mean I have to DO anything. He is feeling intense feelings and needs an outlet for those. He thinks he can get me into an argument/discussion by doing things that have caused me to react before. I don't have to give him that outlet. OMG! AND I get WHY he's doing it! He is scared! THIS IS HUGE for me! Boundaries can also be a warning flag: a marker to let you know something is up. People don't always INTEND to break your boundaries and don't always require "punishment" for when they do. Sometimes you can just take it as a warning to be aware. Sometimes it means you need to reinforce the boundary. Sometimes it means you need to step back from the person who broke the boundary. But it is always about the choices you make and your wants and needs. Boundaries are not about THEM.

I'm explaining all this hoping it will help someone else, too. One thing I've struggled with all along in our journey with mental illness is that I kept hearing that "It's all about HIM" and I kept thinking "What about ME and MY feelings?" The mental illness is about THEM and their feelings but boundaries are about US and our feelings! If you want to interact with them and/or deal with their mental illness then that is about them and their feelings. But if you want to express your own feelings and take care of your own healing, then that is about you and your feelings. But you have to remember that you have no responsibility or control over their feelings and they have no responsibility or control over yours. We are only responsible for and can only control our OWN ACTIONS.

Ok, have things to do but then later I'm going to take some index cards and start writing down some of these really important tidbits so I can keep them with me all the time and refer to them often!
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The best criticism of the bad is the practice of the better. (Dom Helder)
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
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