Hi all,
I just joined up a couple of days ago and have received wonderful caring support from several of you, and read a TON of stuff that has clarified ALOT about my 5-year relationship with my dBPDgf. Stuff that didn't make sense before, now really does. Today I feel a sense of hope that things between us will get even better, and peace that I'm in the right relationship for me. I'm also beginning to see more clearly the incredible GIFT that my partner is in my life, because I have grown tremendously from our relationship.
I wrote my story in response to a post from Crawler, but thought it might be worth re-posting here. Don't want to generalize, this is just my own experience with a beautiful person that I love and adore very much.
I've been having issues with my dBPDgf of 5 years lately. The difference is I'm actually now able to see it as another growth opportunity for us both, at least today.
She's relatively healthy now, compared to where she was when I first met her 7 years ago: When I first met her and was dazzled by her, I managed to find out by gently interogating her on the phone with direct questions (before we'd slept together, thank god) that I was her new attraction, that in her little dance with me she was sort of "cheating" on a married guy that she'd been having an affair with for two years, all the while lying to and still living with her female partner of 15 years! When I discovered this, I was like "whoa!" - I like you ALOT, and I totally don't judge you, but that is WAY OVER my head. I told her gently and kindly, thanks but no thanks.
Two years later she sends me an email. Turns out she left the married guy, gone into therapy (with a great therapist who worked pro bono with her for nearly 2 years), was on medication that worked wonders, was in the process of moving out on her own from her 15-year relationship, a person who had loved and supported her through hell and back, and with whom she is still very close friends.
She tells me all this, and asks if we could be friends? Sure, I say. Shortly thereafter we are sleeping together and I am the greatest thing EVER! (Ha! I most definitely am not, and I know it.) Fortunately, I was unemployed and a few months into it a road trip back to colorado to see my family and visit my sick grandfather was in order, and I was away from her and with my family for a few weeks. She called and texted me all the time. It bothered me, and I'm 40 years old, old enough to know that I don't want a relationship with a needy person, no matter how cute they are. When I got back, I broke up with her, told her I really liked her (ALOT), but that I just knew she wasn't the one for me. It devastated her, she told me later, and she raged and cried for days.
Two months later, she emails again wondering if I want to hang out on Halloween day. Sure, I said. She shows up in her skin tight catsuit carrying a pumpkin, looking adorable and sexy as hell. Of course we had a great time, and had sex that night. And I was now all in. Head over Heels. Six months of bliss, followed by that sickening, frustrating push/pull routine. I was 41, a couple of long-terms r'ships but never married, alone for a few years, and wanting a serious, adult relationship.
She was newly experiencing being a relatively sane person for the first time in 20 years and didn't know what she wanted. She was still way too attached to her ex partner, wanted to have sex with an old HS classmate, afraid of intimacy, couldn't commit, hiding emotional online affairs. Still exhibited much typical borderline behavior, although on a much less extreme level. It still made me crazy, because I wasn't getting what I wanted out of the relationship. We broke up a few more times (I kept dumping her). Once I got so mad I even threw a glass that tore a hole in the front door and came perilously close to hitting her in the head. At that moment I realized I was becoming something I didn't want to be.
So I sold my house and moved an hour away, closer to my job. I realized the only reason I was staying in the town and commuted an hour each way to work was because of her. We'd been together nearly two years and she wasn't ready for a commitment, but I was and I wasn't getting any younger, so I did what made sense for me. I moved. I told her I wasn't leaving her, exactly, but I was arranging my life in a way that worked for me. I loved her, and she could come with me if she wanted. Of course she was very upset. I let her be upset.
And do you know, for the next 9 months she bought and paid for her own bus ticket to come up and stay with me every weekend. Which is a really big deal, because she worked part-time at a fairly low-paying job and paid her own rent. She had the time to be on her own that she needed, and she had enough distance from me to focus on what she wanted. She then quit her job (where she'd worked for 7 years!), and moved away from her friends to a new town to be with me. We got along great and were pretty darn happy together for about two years - and basically we still are.
But I found out about an affair about a month ago. I posted about that on my intro page. And like life in general, it's To Be Continued... .
It's been a long journey for her and for me, and I have had to learn a lot about myself in what I am willing to give up and accept and what I can't/won't accept. Taken a lot of soul searching. I have learned to love her and invest in her and commit to her, and at the same time be willing to let her go.
I accept her (now) for the way she is, and where she is with her illness. I accept that she doesn't pull her weight financially, that she's not a great housekeeper or cook, that meat and dairy is not allowed in the house (she is vegan), that she's moody and depressed fairly often.
I won't accept being miserable, being treated badly and being lied to. I'm still learning ways at more effectively responding to this, (and really there isn't hardly any of that in the last 3 years - aside from this recent affair.). I have found the most powerfully effective way to respond has been to, with love and without anger and judgement, JUST LET GO. I don't let go in order to get what I want from her, I just let go and do what I need to do for me. And darn it all, so far she seems to respond to that in a really constructive way for her, and I seem to end up getting much of what I want. It's pretty amazing.
I should add that NOT having kids makes the option of LETTING GO possible for me. If she or we had kids, it would probably be a totally different story.
The pwBPD that I have known (2 to be precise) are/have been very vulnerable and needy, and at the same time they are VERY good at getting other people to take care of them. For me and my relationship, the secret has been to realize ( and keep reminding myself, because it's hard to do) that I do not need to take care of her. There will always be people out there who will want take care of her. I could list several people in her life right now, who'd be more than happy to pick up any slack. And more to the point, taking care of her actually helps keep her in her illness. That's the paradox. pwBPD are needy and vulnerable, but taking care of them doesn't actually help them, not really.
I hope my story helps some others to see some aspect of their relationship past or present, more clearly. Because that's what I've gotten from others'. I've learned ALOT from folks here already in the couple of days I've been here. So thanks!
naloorider
