I received an email out of the blue, what does it mean?

[EyeCareSoMUCH]

After a month of NC, which may I add has been very painful! I receive an email which had nothing personal in it, just a link to something that was related to my field of study. When I clicked on the link and found out what it was about, my heart stopped. Thoughts started flooding through my head like "oh my! She is thinking about me!" I waited a couple days to respond. I kept it short, and said "thanks" I haven't heard anything since and it has been over a week. What would spark this with a BPD? I seen TONS of things I know she would love over that month of NC but that didn't mean I had to email her about it. It was a very nasty breakup. Heated emails and such. During the actual breakup, which I was the dumpee she was "emotional" I decided then that NC was the best option. Over a course of a couple days I felt bad and tried to reach out. At this point she told me she was over it and she didn't care anymore. That is when the heated emails were sent. I just don't understand how you go from being nasty to a month later showing interest in somebody's field of study. Any insight will be greatly appreicated!

[Bananas]

I don't have an answer.  Looking back on my relationship with my ex after a period of silent treatment I would get an out of the blue text about the weather or exactly what you got, an email containing nothing but a link to an article with something of my interest.  I am guessing it is testing the waters at an attempt to recycle. 

[Blessed0329]

Hi, congrats on the one month NC. It is tough, but I have found it very necessary for healing. Based on my own experiences, as well as what I have learned here, I suggest you not read too much into this gesture. When I was initiating NC with my ex, he would often throw something random at me, then when I replied, would go silent. Without knowing much about you, your ex, or your relationship, in general I believe gestures like these are merely ways for our exes to feel connected to us in some way. Our responses reassure them that we are not gone forever, we are still somewhat in their reach, and some need this to go on with their lives. In the past I would misread something like this from my ex to be a sign of a desire to reconcile. It wasn't. He just needed to comfort himself by "touching" me, in a way. Best wishes to you as you go on this journey. You may find some answers in the Workshops available on this site.

[tailspin]

Hi

An email with just a link really doesn't say anything, right?  It's so easy to read into things, analyze them, and come up with our own conclusions.  However, it's not easy to determine what "sparks" them to do anything because this illness is characterized by a lack of impulse control.  

NC is your choice and you have the control and decision whether you will respond to her our reach out on your own.  Sometimes when we are healing, NC is really the best way to go.  Otherwise we really do get bogged down trying to figure them out when we should be taking care of ourselves instead.

tailspin

[TonyK]

Hi there,

I will, more or less, agree with the previous posts. She's testing if her string is still attached on you. It's really your call now. If you feel you desire another (short) round with her, then you could initiate an exchange of melodramatic e-mails, texts, etc. Eventually, she will be on your bed again. Bare in mind that she's most probably with another guy already. When she begins to recycle you, she will be cheating on the other guy, she won't have dumped him yet. Great, huh? You will have gotten your trophy back, by beating the male rival who stole her from you. What an ego booster that is!  

However, it's an illusion... .  

It won't last. It'll end up ugly. It'll hold you back. Your hoping that this time something will be different, better. It's an illusion.

It'll be worse, or in the best case scenario, as bad as the first time.  

It's entirely your call. Good luck.

[patientandclear]

I laughed ruefully your initial post, as it was one of those reminders we all encounter on here that this really is a systemic disorder, it has patterns of behavior for the pwBPD involved & patterns of response for their partners.

During our initial r/s my partner was constantly wanting to be in touch (of course).  Multikple times every day, I got to hear how amazing I was (I have a PTSD-like response to the word amazing even now). You all know how that is. Then he broke it off suddenly over something bizarre.  I held the door open for a while, but he kept insisting it was impossible--not willing to do any work together on the supposed issue, even though it was "tragic" and "awful" and I was incomparable and he would always miss me.

I was so torn apart & confused, & I missed him SO much. He emailed about other topics, but the lack of those texts & phone calls telling me how amazing I was/we were, was like cold turkey withdrawal.  Again, you all know how that is.

Just like you, I got a text out of the blue one day about a month into this devastation. I felt EXACTLY what you report. My heart stopped, it seemed like. I felt suddenly calm, like my jonesing all that time had finally been quieted by mainlining a hit of my drug.  I felt "oh my, he is thinking of me, I know for sure that when he sent this a few minutes ago, he was thinking of me & no one & nothing else."  I held off responding for a while just to savor it.

This is all so biochemical.

Like other posters said, over time as I maintained contact with him, I learned (i) continued contact with me WAS valuable to him --like Blessed says, it's a way of "touching" us for reassurance, reassurance that they are not hated, terrible & alone; and (ii) that this has nothing to do with either willingness or capacity to truly reconcile, renew a deep and lasting bond, or even acknowledge the issues that caused the initial rupture.

I thinik it's useful to do what I've read some wise members here advise: imagine what ikt would feel like to get communication that actually made you feel safe in re-engaging after the hurt you've already experienced.  What would her message have read if she really wanted to reassure you & make this safe for you? These kinds of hints & minimum possible acknowledgement of who you are & what you care about are just so lame and lazy, compared to what any of us would do if trying to make up to someone we'd hurt, right?  That's how you know not to over-interpret this kind of contact.

[Bananas]

I thinik it's useful to do what I've read some wise members here advise: imagine what ikt would feel like to get communication that actually made you feel safe in re-engaging after the hurt you've already experienced.  What would her message have read if she really wanted to reassure you & make this safe for you? These kinds of hints & minimum possible acknowledgement of who you are & what you care about are just so lame and lazy, compared to what any of us would do if trying to make up to someone we'd hurt, right?  That's how you know not to over-interpret this kind of contact.

Wow!  I am trying to figure out why I would think it was acceptable after a period of silent treatment.  Lame & Lazy!

[BlushAndBashful]

I have done that, too... .  try to interpret various shades of emotion and passion from tiny crumbs that were thrown at me. "But what does this mean?" And then the thoughts that this is a very small step towards breaking the ice, making amends, apologizing.  Is it really just a "like" on Facebook? Did he mean to drive this route at this specific time?

What would I do in this situation- if I wanted to reconnect with someone that I had hurt? I think back to fights in high school, or issues with coworkers, where I've had to admit I was wrong.

And I role play and try to put myself in my ex's shoes. And then it's just so dang ludicrous that I can't. "I really like this person, and I miss them. Now that I've committed adultery, lied to them, told them they were crazy, filed for a restraining order, painted them black all over town, cost them thousands of dollars, hurt their career and turned all their friends against them - what's my best course of action? Maybe I'll send them a link to show them how much I care and still think about them."

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey, you mention your 'heart stopped' when you read her email.  Same thing happened to me after 7 months NC, and the feelings all showed up again almost like no time had passed.  Note to self: don't do that again.  I decided I didn't even want to see her name in my inbox, just that would trigger me, so I set up a rule in Outlook to route it directly to the trash.  :)on't know if she's sent any more, ain't gonna look.  Good luck with continued NC, and stay here.

[EyeCareSoMUCH]

Sorry it has taken me so long to respond! I want to thank each and everyone one of you for your responses. They  have truly helped and have brought me comfort in my time of need. I still have yet to hear from her and it has been going on two weeks. I am trying my best to remain strong and fight this addiction of mine. It has been rough but it has slowly gotten better. God only knows how I am going to react if and when another message comes in!