What will he do next?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My Bipolar/PTSD/BPD estranged husband has had little contact with me over the past 4 years for which I have been grateful. The reason I haven't posted for so long is that he's been out of my life but recently he's begun to cause some chaos and I'm afraid of what he will do next. Can anyone predict where he's headed from here?

We have 3 sons. He left me and his 2 youngest sons to go live in a caravan 4 years ago. I encouraged his sons (including my oldest 27) to maintain a relationship with him despite the fact that our marriage had broken down. I also kept in touch with his parents. My H was invited to the birth of his 1st grandchild. He came but he brought his parents and refused to nurse the baby. I should say that he repeatedly sexually abused our youngest son when he was between 3 and 5 years old causing severe depression which has been dealt with. My H denies ever hurting our son. My H said he wouldn't touch the baby so no one could ever accuse him of such a thing again. He has been invited to birthdays and the christening but never comes. Then out of the blue he sent me a text on our youngest S's 18th asking if he could call him to wish him a happy b'day. I said that his relationship with his son had nothing to do with me but I'd ask if he'd accept the call. S 18 said he'd think about it. Never heard from H again. Now my in-laws aren't speaking to me or our sons. H has been to them and accused me of turning his sons away from him. He has just spent 4 weeks in psychiatric hospital with these issues. I feel sad that my in-laws believed what he said about me and sad that my sons now have no relationship with their grandparents. Lying about me is new to this relationship- he has always been very subtle about accusing me of wrongdoing before. My H doesn't work, has no friends and now no family except his elderly parents. His older brother took his own life a few years ago. My worry is will he do the same? Or will he come after me in a rage and hurt me? (He once ransacked the house looking for pornographic photos he'd taken of our youngest while I was at work). Should I be worried or scared?

[Upbeat Girl]

My Bipolar/PTSD/BPD estranged husband has had little contact with me over the past 4 years for which I have been grateful. The reason I haven't posted for so long is that he's been out of my life but recently he's begun to cause some chaos and I'm afraid of what he will do next. Can anyone predict where he's headed from here?

We have 3 sons. He left me and his 2 youngest sons to go live in a caravan 4 years ago. I encouraged his sons (including my oldest 27) to maintain a relationship with him despite the fact that our marriage had broken down. I also kept in touch with his parents. My H was invited to the birth of his 1st grandchild. He came but he brought his parents and refused to nurse the baby. I should say that he repeatedly sexually abused our youngest son when he was between 3 and 5 years old causing severe depression which has been dealt with. My H denies ever hurting our son. My H said he wouldn't touch the baby so no one could ever accuse him of such a thing again. He has been invited to birthdays and the christening but never comes. Then out of the blue he sent me a text on our youngest S's 18th asking if he could call him to wish him a happy b'day. I said that his relationship with his son had nothing to do with me but I'd ask if he'd accept the call. S 18 said he'd think about it. Never heard from H again. Now my in-laws aren't speaking to me or our sons. H has been to them and accused me of turning his sons away from him. He has just spent 4 weeks in psychiatric hospital with these issues. I feel sad that my in-laws believed what he said about me and sad that my sons now have no relationship with their grandparents. Lying about me is new to this relationship- he has always been very subtle about accusing me of wrongdoing before. My H doesn't work, has no friends and now no family except his elderly parents. His older brother took his own life a few years ago. My worry is will he do the same? Or will he come after me in a rage and hurt me? (He once ransacked the house looking for pornographic photos he'd taken of our youngest while I was at work). Should I be worried or scared?

[Lady31]

Forgive me, but why do you feel it healthy to encourage a relationship between this very sick & abusive person and your children?  I think there are times where a relationship is just too toxic, whether they are a parent or not.  That is why there are times when the court takes full rights away - there are situations where that is warranted.

In my opinion, a situation like yours could be one of those situations.  Do your children feel ok with you seemingly encouraging them to have a relationship with this man or does this upset them?

In answer to your question - from what you are saying (a man who sexually abuses his own kids, can't function to keep a job & has had to spend time in a psych hospital) is CLEARLY toxic, unstable & dangerous.  I don't think you could put anything past a person like this.

Did this man not suffer any legal consequence for his actions?  I'm sorry, but I am a little shocked that this type of a abuser is invited and welcomed to family/children's events.  And if he has faced no legal consequences that means he probably isn't on a sex offenders list for poor other parents to be able to protect their children from him.

If it were me the answer would be to go NC with this person and protect all children from him.  And if the parents are living denial regarding the dangerous situation with their son (and enabling him), I would not deal with them at all either, period. 

[Upbeat Girl]

Thank you for your honesty. I have asked myself the same questions and I think it comes down to me wanting a clear conscience so that if he ever did take his own life, I would not be able to blame myself and his family would not blame me for pushing him into it. I also wonder why it is so important to me to have a relationship with his family who seem to be in denial or afflicted with similar problems. (He has 3 brothers who all have issues). Why does it bother me what they think of me? I don't know except that I am a people pleaser. Maybe I need to talk to someone. My sons want nothing to do with their father and we are all trying to work our way through the relationship issues with his side of the family. Maybe we should just let it go NC. Perhaps this is just the next stage of my separation journey- after all I'm the one who sends the birthday cards etc. They never take the initiative. Yes, he has been reported to the police. His family believe he's innocent and that I'm lying about what he did. I feel the need to prove to them that I wouldn't do such a thing. I shouldn't feel that I have to prove anything should I?

[Lady31]

Time to set yourself free Upbeat Girl!  You are not responsible for him.  If he takes his life there will have been nothing you could have done to change that.  His parents would blame you if that is the way they are no matter what you do to protect him and help him.

I did not mean to sound harsh in my first post.  I myself was sexually abused by a family member when I was a child.  NOT my father - he is amazing. (nor anyone in my immediate family)  You may not realize this, but by treating the situation as though it is not as bad as it is (protecting him, encouraging the children to have a relationship with him, inviting him to continue to be a part of the "family", etc.) can send confusing signals to the child.  It could say "We know he did something very bad, but we have to understand that he is just sick."  From the child's prospective, they see a parent "not fully siding with them", or think that it isn't as bad as it really is because the person is still around/involved and therefore the horrible feelings they feel must mean there is something wrong with them/they are responsible in some way so therefore they carry that shame.

Anyway - if the man has not even acknowledged what he has done and gotten help - then he is not even reaching out trying to repair the damage he has done in any way.  I know you are worried about him taking his life - that's so difficult.  All you can do is pray for a man like that. 

[Upbeat Girl]

Thanks Lady31, you have helped me to support my son because you understand from your own devastating experience what it's like to be abused. You have also encouraged me. I appreciate you taking the time to respond. I knew that what you said was right in my heart- just needed to hear it from someone else!