Nope, cant do it...

[cska]

Can't do it. No matter how hard I try, I can't detach. I Love her too much... . I keep thinking of our beautiful times together, and I just CAN NOT DO IT

[LoveNotWar]

 You can do anything you set your mind to. REALLY! 

Maybe you're just not ready to let go yet?

[cska]

You can do anything you set your mind to. REALLY! 

I dunno, recently I've been feeling absolutely powerless. When I'm with her, she imposes ridiculous demands on me, so it hard to be with her. But when she's gone I'm completely overrun by sadness, and I just want to hug her and hold her close.

[seeking balance]

You can do anything you set your mind to. REALLY! 

I dunno, recently I've been feeling absolutely powerless. When I'm with her, she imposes ridiculous demands on me, so it hard to be with her. But when she's gone I'm completely overrun by sadness, and I just want to hug her and hold her close.

Sadness is a part of life... .  you are powerless over BPD... .  so, you either go through the grief process and detach or go to the staying board until she may or may not come back... .  

Your choice really... .  

[paperlung]

All of us have probably had some "beautiful" times with our pwBPD, but what about the ugly times? What don't you miss about her?

[cska]

Paperlung, You know its so weird, my brain seems to selectively wipe the bad memories away, leaving only the good ones in place. It really weird.

One time I was going out with a really hot girl, and she started to play games (i.e. she would make dates and then cancel over and over), and I just stopped talking to her. So I am able to detach, I've do it before. But I can't detach from this one. I just can't stop missing her. I don't even know why... .

I just broke no contact, and the texts I got quickly reminded me of why I don't want to be with her. But   its a pattern. I resolve to end everything, and I hold on to the memories of the times she was horrible to me; but over time (5 days or so), these bad memories evaporate, leaving only the good ones in place. And I start to miss her like crazy.

Why don't I have pride? Why can't I just walk away from the abuse? I know that the number of bad times I had with her outweigh the good ones, but the emotional value of the good times outweigh the value of the bad times. So when she's gone, all I feel i the longing for the good times.

Its straight up addiction. I know its bad for me, but I want it so bad... .

[cska]

I used to think I was a rational person. But I just look at my actions and I think "what the hell are you doing man, whats the matter with you".

The relationship with my BPD gf really made me see myself in a different light. I feel like an addict who's trying to recover. But the withdrawal is just killing me.

[TonyK]

Cska,

First of all I believe you have to calm down, accept what you feel and make peace with yourself about it. It's totally normal to have an incredible hardship to detach. After all, what do you think all these good people are doing in these boards? They're trying to detach, too. If it had been easy, there would be no bpdfamily at all   

You're absolutely corrrect: it's an addiction. Relationships with pwBPD are toxic. We become addicted to them, because at the early stages of the r/s they boosted our egos to such a level that nobody has ever done before. She made you feel like a little god, didn't she? The best in everything. She placed you so high up on the pedestal, so high that you gradually lost sight of reality. But, then she suddenly removed the pedestal under your feet and you're still falling from that great height.

The true question though is this: why do we need our egos to be placed on that pedestal? Why did we become addicted to that and why now that it's gone we feel all this pain and emptiness?

These questions regard us, my friend. You, me and the rest of us in here. It has nothing to do with your ex, my ex, or all the other BPDexes here. We were attracted and attached to them because we have our own emotional issues to address. We provided them the most fertile soil, in which they planted their disordered seeds.

Start looking into yourself. The key to detachment resides there. Get professional help, start therapy if you can. This experience can be the starting point for a better life for you. In contrast, your ex will never find peace and calmness.

Be well. 

[flynavy]

Tonyk makes so many good points here cska... .  your ex created a "loaded relationship bond" with you... .  true relationships take time... .  intimacy.

After my wife of 32 years passed away after 7 year battle with Ovarian Cancer, I was devastated.  But guess what... .  time healed that wound... .  but keep this in mind.  I was vulnerable... .  huge hole to fill and I wanted it filled fast.  My exBPD/NPD was my wife's oncology nurse.  Think about the kind of person who knew me and my wife and what I went through and yet could do the things she did to me.  I was ripe for a loaded relationship bond... .  its what they do to get their prey into the lair as soon as possible... .  and keep them there!

Write the bad stuff down... .  I wrote a short story that I guess this site won't let me post because it is so large... .  12 page MS Word Doc... .  but her is an excerpt... .  do not re-ngage... .  you deserve better!

From my story... .  The day I called off the wedding (Time is 5:30 PM) was the craziest day and half of my life.  You would think when a woman was exposed that she was engaged to another guy while seeing me…maybe engaged at the same time…essentially caught red handed cheating she would be very remorseful.  No she got very violent with me the whole night.  She attacked with her fists and feet.  Hit me in the face…spit in my face…said nasty things about my wife…called her daughter to my house at 2:00AM.  She finally got to sleep at 5:00AM.  She finally left the next day at 11:00AM.  That is the short story.  It was the most abuse I have taken both verbally, emotionally, and physically from any one in my entire life!  I write a letter to her main boyfriend and mail it.  Mistake…I told her I was gonna do it.  Guess what…she intercepts the letter…puts it another envelope with return address saying leave us alone.  I know she did this.  What man does this who finds out his woman has been seeing somebody behind his back.  Not done yet…three days later I receive another envelope with a small notepad paper I recognize that was always on her kitchen counter saying…Polly told me you were gonna send a letter…very childish….stop harassing Polly and me and leave us alone.  OK…what man who finds out his girlfriend of 7 years has been in a highly sexual relationship/engaged to another man says childish.  When he did finally find out he was at my house at 12:30 AM ringing the doorbell (read below incident) because she was with me.  Obviously, she sent this last note and intercepted the letter that I believe is illegal…how devious, can you get.   

OK…so why would I ever see this woman ever again?  I still ask myself this question.  The more I learn, I am finding out they literally get into the psyche of their prey…yes prey because this type of person is an animal.  So I continue to have sex call once a month…sometimes at her place…that was very dangerous and at my place, which was very dangerous…(read on) and at hotels.

Worst case was when her boyfriend (the guy who she had on the hook since 2005) found out that she ever had a relationship with me and showed up at my house at 12:30 AM.  She answers the door bell in a T shirt before I could get dressed because she knows who it is.  How/Why?... .  because her phone was ringing off the hook (on buzz).  She lied and said she was texting her son who has a problem before the doorbell rang.  Even out of the blue accused me of talking to some woman who is the Aunt of her main boyfriend…who is now on his way to my house. Ya think she would have warned me?  No! She actually loved the conflict/drama and confrontation.

But I still didn’t stop yet…go figure…I don’t understand it either…continued to have sex with her on a routine basis (monthly), even left her in a hotel room when she passed out on me.  She did her high intensity thing but couldn’t wait for me so I left her there cause she was totally out….snoring. I did have one more rendezvous at her new apartment…remember she had to sell her house…lost a lot of meal tickets I guess.  That was crazy.  She was late of course.  Great excuse…she had to take her not well son back to the half way house.  Or perhaps say nite nite to her boyfriend…yes…the now 8 year guy who never learns.  She shows me around the complex.  Even go into a party to show me the room anyone can use.  Let me just say she was working this one guy while we were in there because he was paying a lot of attention to her(he was a volunteer fireman in her old stomping grounds/neighborhood(she actually started the conversation because she saw the jacket he was wearing)…I know the game now!  OK…good sex…really good.  I called her a narcissist in the morning….I never saw such a mean face…got the finger and a hard ~ You…and then…you know I’m just kidding!  Yeah…OK.  Guess what.  We take a shower together…get dressed and she asks me to hold down my voice cause she did not want her 19 year old son to know his Mommy had me over.  Ya think he didn’t know!  I was engaged to his Mommy at one point.  Oh…it was OK that he was with his High school girlfriend in the bedroom last night. 

[flynavy]

To the moderator... .  Sorry about the expletive in the story... .  forgot I used some not so appropriate language in my short story... .  sorry bout that... . flynavy

[babyducks]

Cska,

I am so sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time.   Completely understand that turmoil that seems to push us in certain directions when it comes to our relationships.

I too have had the experience of doing something very out of character for me and very out of control.  Felt terrible at the time.   

What has worked for me, is turning the attention away from my Ex and the past and force myself to think about myself and the future.   Sometimes I have to do that a dozen times.  I also have to pay a lot of attention to how I talk to myself in my own head,  to try and be gentle and encouraging rather than hollering at myself. 

And when all else fails, put the cell phone away and go take a walk until I am physically tired and emotionally calmer.

Some one else here said when emotions lead they lead us astray.   True.  Very true.  It is much better to try and reach a place of equilibrium before I act.  I personally need to be very cognizant that one of the crucial elements in this mix is my partners mental health.  I would carefully consider her health and well being if she had cancer.  I should carefully consider what I am doing to her mental health if I continue to engage in this cycle of push/pull. 

Take a couple of deep breaths.  Look inside for cleansing energy and calm.   What ever you decide to do, contact or not contact, I hope you reach that decision coming from a good place.

[LoveNotWar]

cska, I know it's not funny but when you said your mind wiped out the painful memories leaving only good I chuckled. That's exactly what happens in childbirth, you forget the pain when you hold that beautiful baby in your arms.  

Our brains really work hard  to protect us, pretty elemental I guess.

Seriously though... .  Life w/a pwBPD IS an addiction, make no mistake, that's what makes this so hard. As flynavy demonstrated we just keep seeing them even when we know it's bad for us. That IS what folks using drugs do right... .  they keep using drugs even when their life is falling apart. And just like drugs cloud your judgement so does the r/s w/a BPD.  

Detachment is hard, painful, and we're giving up something we only sort of want to lose which makes it harder. It's why we just have to dig in, make a strong resolution not to go back, and ask our friends to help us keep that resolution.  

Here's the cheerleader in me... .  We CAN do this!  

[cska]

Everyone, thank you so much for your replies! It made me feel a lot better to know I'm not alone  .

cska, I know it's not funny but when you said your mind wiped out the painful memories leaving only good I chuckled. That's exactly what happens in childbirth, you forget the pain when you hold that beautiful baby in your arms. 

Our brains really work hard  to protect us, pretty elemental I guess.

LoveNotWar, I've heard of this phenomenon, and I was actually thinking about it when I wrote my post. My brain seems to not be able to let go of the idea that this person is the only one for me. I wanted to marry this girl so bad, I've never had such a deep connection with anyone. We would spend 12 or more hours just sitting in the car, talking, and it was the best time of my life. The chemistry between us was astounding. I've never felt anything like it before.

So I think my brain is tricked into thinking that this girl is the only one for me, and it works overtime to suppress the hurtful memories. I think it's a defense mechanism. Possibly the same defense mechanism that suppresses the pain of childbirth. But of course in this case, its a false belief, so this defense mechanism ends up doing me a disservice.

[cska]

The tings that gets is me this: I absolutely cannot shake away the conviction that I will even find someone who will make me feel as good as my BPD gf. Sure, if I find someone "normal", I won't have to struggle with the bad times. But will the good times be as great as the good times I shared with my BPD gf? I think this thought prevents me from detaching... .

[cska]

Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with thoughts like these?

[babyducks]

cska,

What has been pointed out to me by my therapist is that those feelings, of love, affection, desire, a good half of them came from me in the relationship.  I have the potential to create them.   They were mine and I can own them.

The other thing my therapist pointed out, the feelings of trust, confidence, loyalty, and respect, a good 90% of them came from me, and I should try to imagine what it would be like to have those feeling for someone who can echo them back.

babyducks

[One2TheOther]

cska, you're not alone. I've managed to handle two years to no contact before giving in today.

She just split up with her boyfriend and I'm ready to grovel at her feet. I don't care about the abuse anymore. I just want her. I know her love ain't real but her pain is and I want to be there for her. I'm sick but I've gone two years without my fix.

I'm sorry I couldn't give you any advice about how to get over grief. Everyone on this website are amazingly supportive and helpful but despite all their kindness and advice, I'm still powerless to her.

[flynavy]

cska... .  trust me... .  You will find that when the Love is genuine... .  your relationship with your BPD gf will seem like a nightmare.  Two weeks before my wife passed away she made me promise that I would find another woman to love... .  when she found out the doctors could not do anything more for her cancer... .  she went to my mothers house to ask her how to break the news to me because she knew I would be devastated... .  when she got home to tell me she was holding me while I cried, consoling me telling me she was OK but was worried for me.  Ask yourself and be honest... .  would your BPD gf do this for you.  Its about putting someone else before yourself.  Sometimes just riding with my wife to the grocery store was GOOD times... .  I miss the small intimate stuff... .  her touching my shoulder as I walked by in the kitchen... .  me looking forward to coming home from work... .  going to bed and she's the last thing I see and waking up and she is

first thing I see.

Yes we had our share of fights and disagreements but in 32 years we NEVER went to bed angry with one another... .  I made love to my wife... .  I had sex with my exBPD/NPD fiance.

Trust me... .  you WILL experience a Loving caring relationship... .  you now know what you don't want and the red flags/landmines associated with that type of disingenuous person.

The good times WILL be better because they will be real!

[flynavy]

One2theother... .  you are not powerless... .  if you do re-engage then utilize your power to get her help... .  being there for her will only feed her ego and open up wounds you took the time to heal.  my step son is a heroin addict since 1998. The stress was over the top... .  knowing my wife will die soon and not being able to help my son.  I finally reached the point where if I didn't disengage from being a part of the heroin addicts life... .  it would eventually physically and emotionally hurt me.  Whatever you do... .  please find ways to decompress... .  do for yourself... .  Please take care of yourself whatever you decide... .  life is TOO short to knowingly accept pain as a way of life... .  So i wish you Fair winds... .  following seas... .  God's speed!

[Deleted]

Hey, I know it's scary as hell and it's that much harder in a BPD relationship but you must do it. From my personal experience with exBPD, it only gets worse NEVER better. I could use the analogy of being in a room filled with radiation- the longer you stay the more damage YOU receive. You're harming yourself. In this situation it's ok to be selfish and get out. I wish you the best, it does get better.

[momtara]

It's easy to remember the good times and forget the bad, so keep a journal or read old emails.  However, if you are not ready to let go yet, then don't - you may need to make sure you did everything you could, said everything you wanted to say. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Sorry you're feeling the way you are cska; been there, felt that.

You're right, it is like an addiction.  If your gf does have BPD traits, or is full blown BPD, remember they have a part-time self, so they attach to people to feel whole, and they consider it life or death, so they get extremely good at it.  The mirroring you probably felt in the beginning was really a reflection of what she saw as good in you, so it's going to feel awesome coming back to you.  Also, their biggest fear is abandonment, so they will use every trick in the book to be in a one-up position to you, keep you walking on eggshells, wear your self esteem down, all to try and ensure you won't, or can't leave.  And in moments of what seems like love and intimacy, which is really intensity, when you guys were sharing openly, try to remember who did most of the open sharing, probably you, and as the r/s progressed, the focus shifted to her and her woes, and she seemed less interested in you.  And when she needed to, she'd use something she knows about you against you, or sex, all as a means to control, not maliciously mind you, but in her head it's a matter of survival.

Hard to get your head around, and you may not be able to yet, but learn as much as you can about BPD, and it will become clear it is insidious when you're enmeshed with it, and there is no winning, except for the disorder.  And try and have some sympathy for her too, because living wired like that is a hell.  And eventually you can start asking yourself why you got in so deep; that's one of the gifts of BPD, the searching and growing we get to go through once we get out.  And unllike Travis Alexander, we're the lucky ones; good luck to you, and stay here.

[One2TheOther]

Flynavy, I wish I was half as strong as you are.

[Validation78]

Hi CSKA and All!

Yep, you can do it! You have to want it more than anything else. You have to want a healthy relationship, a happy life, a full life with peace and real love and intimacy. You must accept the fact that this is not possible with your pwBPD. It's hard because she gave you intermittant rewards, however, I venture to guess that in reality, they did not make up for the pain. IMHO, there is not just one person for any of us. If we hang our hopes on that romantic notion, we will miss out on many opportunities to love and be loved.

I played many games with myself to get through the NC at the beginning 4 months ago. I pray, repeat affirmations, did jumping jacks in my office evey hour, deep breathing, stayed busy. It is a discipline, and completly achievable if you want it bad enough. You have to find what works for you, and you have to stick with a plan. My T gave me a suggestion that is used in cognitive behaviorial therapy, and it is simply to replace one thought with another. When I found myself thinking something good about my stbx, I thought of something bad. Again, it is a discipline that you must practice.

You must believe that you deserve better than this. You must love yourself above all else, and put your needs, hopes and dreams above any other's. If you don't believe these simple truths now, you are setting yourself up for a rough go of a healthy relationship with anyone in the future. Do something to take care of yourself now. What can you do to get started?

Best Wishes,

Val78

[flynavy]

One2theother... .  you are as strong... .  believe me... .  I was married to the strongest, most beautiful (inside and out), loving caring, selfless woman I ever met and she chose me to be her best friend, lover, husband and father to our children!  My strength comes from knowing its not about the hurt and pain!  Even as she was dying from Ovarian Cancer she thought about me... .  worried how I would get by... .  and wanted me to love and be loved again.  

You are stronger than you think!... . This early phase is the toughest.  If I can do at 60... .  I know you can!