Call for support

[learningtowalkagain1]

Hi, I am a newbee and have posted the following in the introductions, but have put it in this section too with some additions. I have been in a relationship with a BPD male one and off for a traumatic 2.5 years. Each time the relationship stops (usually by me) the events surrounding it are extremely traumatic. Usually he starts acting extremely controlling, paranoid, accusational, lies, delusional etc. When I ask him to leave to I try to leave the scene he panics and does something extreme like take my car keys, phone, bag or physically restrain me and such. Sometimes he just yells/I yell and he leaves - but this is rare. The pattern is then he  harrasses me with texts saying how bad a person I am. Then some days/weeks later he starts texting how much he misses/loves me and can we talk and he will never do/say those things again and then the honeymoon period starts and we are back in so much love, then the cracks show and around the cycle goes. This time we have been apart 6 weeks. The texts and requests started and we spent wednesday night together and he said the usual that he loves me, has always loved me, thinks of me all the time, misses me and that there could be no one else, there had been no one else etc etc - then he went a bit distant instead of the usual pursuit and wouldn't even have a phone conversation with me yesterday saying that our love for each other is enough for now - have a good weekend although we were to originally spend saturday night together. I went to his place and found another women there. Basically when I asked to speak to him he ushered her inside and told me he was calling the police. Today he texted me to say not to turn up unannounced at his place and he will report me. I am devastated. I need to keep away. :-( I feel sick to the stomach.I am currently in trauma and very teary today.  :'( :'(

[feelingcrazy7832]

My god, this does sound traumatic and I feel your pain. I told my friend yesterday I feel like I have PTSD symptoms after being with my ex for as long as you have.

My advice. Block him. Heal yourself. He sounds like a controlling abusive jerk just like my ex. You are better than this.

[learningtowalkagain1]

Thanks to feelingcrazy7832 for your reply. I must admit I do feel crazy in this cycle and when starts having an episode, I think after dealing with the issues so long it does bring out my "crazy". I am sure now I have suffered undiagnosed PSTD after several of his "events" and I suffer anxiety when in his company more than a couple of days because I never know when the switch is going to flick and he will get upset with something I have said or done in complete innocence. He has turned up at my place unnounced so many times at all hours of the day or night (sometimes at 2am - knocking on my bedroom window after being out at a nightclub and he would be crying saying how much he missed me and would I please let him in?) I wonder with every noise I hear whether it is him (although that has not happened these last 6 weeks - he has only pulled into my driveway a few times and left a paper "message" at my door.) He took me to stay away in a hotel to "treat" me twice and both times were a nightmare where one he locked me out of the room with all my belongings inside because I said the wrong thing at dinner and got anxious at something he said - he called the police cos I had an anxiety attack pleading with him to let me in the door to retrieve my stuff - he said I was violent. And the other time I had been "behaving badly" not considering his feelings so he verbally tortured me over the lobster he had ordered for dinner for himself and again locked me out of the room and left the hotel without paying the bill (they had my credit card as security so I got slung the bill). I don't know why I have let him in so many times. And now this. I am hoping he has moved on finally but I feel in my heart he will be back again and I need to be strong and no longer engage him. He is dangerous and preys on my good nature. I feel like an idiot going into these details.

[Newton]

learningtowalkagain1 ... .  

I'm truly sorry you have experienced such awful behaviour from this person... .  I am genuinely worried about your welfare... .  he sounds very dangerous and extremly abusive and controlling. Often these individuals will escalate their abuse, even though their words are pleading and "promise" it won't ever happen again (then go on to blame you!)

There is no need to feel embarrased about this... .  it's fantastic you have decided to come here for support and many of us have horror stories we have shared here.  It's a safe place with people who understand.

There is only one person who can break this cycle of abuse... .  you.

Do you currently have a therapist you are discussing this with?... .  what support do you have from friends and family?... .  Do they know how bad things have been for you?... .  

[learningtowalkagain1]

Thanks for your words Newton. Yes, it has been dangerous at times and I have been worried about my welfare. He found me (with his intense eyes - I read somewhere on this site that is "a sign" when my parents had just died, I was distant from my family and my divorce had come through. I was extremely vulnerable and on the second day he proclaimed "my heart loves your heart". It scared me off a little but with his vulnerability and persistence, he won me over and intensity is a light word for the whole experience of being in relationship with him. I am seeking counselling yes, but much of my support from friends has dwindled as he either chased them off or they do not understand why I keep letting him back in. I don't understand why I let him back in either. I am positive he is a compulsive liar yet I have fallen for so many of his lies, just like the ones he has told me in the last few days. Even the text that he sent to tell me this morning not to turn up at his place ended with the xo x 100000 (which is something we started in the early days) so this sort of thing continually confuses me. My friends do not want to hear about him anymore, they just want me recovered. I am happy I have found this site as an outlet. The pain of finding him with another woman has crushed me. I have continually shut him out and so it looks like his abandonment issues pushed him to go start something with another vulnerable. He looked pretty "victim like" and she looked like a rescuer. Me turning up at his place probably just played into his whole ploy to catch her.  :'( Either way I feel betrayed. He did not have to send me all those messages for the last few weeks proclaiming love and missing me etc, then spend the night with me if he had actually moved on to someone else.