I've broken NC, I know it's not healthy, but I had to express my emotions

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This morning, after having had this thought for some days, I've decided to text him, just to say that it's two months from our break-up and that I'm sure we have spent this time in "different pages". I 've written that I always loved him so much and I still love him and that desappearing from a monitor (as he said he was doing to let me forgot him) or blocking people on Facebook or Whatsapp (as he has done with me) doesn't mean to desappear from heart and mind. I know that probably I was just trying to reach out to him, in some way, but I also had the strong need to state that I still exist and I have emotions, as he made me feel nothing. As I expected, he didn't answer back, but -even if I know that later on it will hurt, I feel I should do it.

[Billa]

This morning, after having had this thought for some days, I've decided to text him, just to say that it's two months from our break-up and that I'm sure we have spent this time in "different pages". I 've written that I always loved him so much and I still love him and that desappearing from a monitor (as he said he was doing to let me forgot him) or blocking people on Facebook or Whatsapp (as he has done with me) doesn't mean to desappear from heart and mind. I know that probably I was just trying to reach out to him, in some way, but I also had the strong need to state that I still exist and I have emotions, as he made me feel nothing. As I expected, he didn't answer back, but -even if I know that later on it will hurt, I feel I should do it.

[Scott72]

I feel the same way billa. Just want her to know- she told me that the more I did that, the more it pushed her away. It's so painful isn't it?

[Billa]

yes, very painful, Scott.

[Billa]

well, in some way, I think hat everything is useful, even pain. I've reached out to him, for a huge amounts of reasons, among them the need to validate my emotions. Again, he has shown to me that he is very insensitive about my feelings and the person I am. I should have known it, or, better, I knew it. As it has always been, it's all about him, not about me. Ok, time to remember it. And, in the end, I've said what I wanted to say: I'm a person who is capable of love and can't change love for hate, just because it'd be easier to put up with the situation, the loss, the sorrow. today I've been taught another lesson.

[leftbehind]

Billa, I think it must be something about the 2 month mark, because last night I almost drove to where my exBPDbf was working to confront him after his shift ended about cutting me out of his life and treating me like I never existed.  What helped me was calling a friend who had the good sense to remind me that he's crazy, and then later coming on this board to post.  I knew it would only make me feel worse, and that he would portray it to anyone that knows us (we have mutual friends and even colleages and clients) that I was stalking him.

Remember they are disordered in their thinking.  It's good that you got to say how you feel, just try to let go of any kind of a response from him. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Does your ex exhibit BPD traits Billa?  If so, you will never get the validation you're looking for from him, since the disorder causes folks to see everything in black and white, and if you broke up, you're all black.  It's better to look for ways to self validate, since the typical push/pull dynamic that shows up in interpersonal r/s with a pwBPD will seem like chaos and never give you what you need.  You might know this?

[LoveNotWar]

So Billa, do you feel better or worse for having contacted your ex?

[Rose Tiger]

My ex couldn't do level 3 talks.  He's really good at level 1 (the weather).  Sometimes could handle level 2 (the weather is giving me sinus issues).  But level 3 (when you did this, it hurt me) unh uh.

Your pain is real, it's very common to feel very strong emotions after a break up with a person with BPD. The trouble is, your email was in french to him and he doesn't speak french.  It's hard not to take it personally, I know.  But expecting him to act like a normal person is beyond the realm of reality.

I remember being at the point you are at.  I would google grieving the loss of a loved one advice because that is exactly what it felt like, like he had died.  Having a counselor helped a lot, too.  This IS rough stuff!  

[Billa]

Billa, I think it must be something about the 2 month mark,

Remember they are disordered in their thinking.  It's good that you got to say how you feel, just try to let go of any kind of a response from him.  

yes, time is passing and I can't ignore it as he does... .  I didn't really expect anything out of my decision to text him.  I had some hope, that's just human, but my rational mind knew it was impossible to get any response. I know I've been painted black, as I left him as I could stand no more his ouvert cheating, and that I trigger all the worst... .  But, notwithstanding this, I had to do it... .  

[Billa]

Does your ex exhibit BPD traits Billa?  If so, you will never get the validation you're looking for from him, since the disorder causes folks to see everything in black and white, and if you broke up, you're all black.  It's better to look for ways to self validate, since the typical push/pull dynamic that shows up in interpersonal r/s with a pwBPD will seem like chaos and never give you what you need.  You might know this?

oh yeah, quite all, apart sucidal attempst, as far as I know.  Well, I agree with you about validation, but I think that, in some way, texting him was also (together with a thousand of other reasons) a way to self-validate, as I had felt very passive and manipulated at the end of my r/s. I just stated what I felt, something that he didn't let me do. Or, at least, I hope so.

[Billa]

So Billa, do you feel better or worse for having contacted your ex?

dunno, really. Now I feel better than the rest of the day (some anxiety, sadness, pain also) but I still can't say.

[Billa]

My ex couldn't do level 3 talks.  He's really good at level 1 (the weather).  Sometimes could handle level 2 (the weather is giving me sinus issues).  But level 3 (when you did this, it hurt me) unh uh.

Your pain is real, it's very common to feel very strong emotions after a break up with a person with BPD. The trouble is, your email was in french to him and he doesn't speak french.  It's hard not to take it personally, I know.  But expecting him to act like a normal person is beyond the realm of reality.

I remember being at the point you are at.  I would google grieving the loss of a loved one advice because that is exactly what it felt like, like he had died.  Having a counselor helped a lot, too.  This IS rough stuff!  

thank you Rose, I know your right and I appreciate your words. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Texting him as a way to self-validate may work, but there's always the risk that he will respond, and then you're down the rabbit hole again.  I got an email from my BPD ex a few months after I'd last seen or talked to her, and it triggered the feelings all over again, almost like no time has passed.  One thing I did that helped was to write her a letter, by hand, pouring out all of the things I never said, (I got to the point where I just wouldn't bring things up because it would cause another rageful outburst) and never sent the letter, but writing it helped.

Another thing that helped was to find traits on healthy relationships on this site and elsewhere online, there are a lot of them.  I compared a healthy relationship to ours, and ours failed every single trait, every one.  That was enlightening, and helped me start focus on me, and realize that I would never get what I want and need from her, no matter how much I tried to fix and rescue, which was my part of the problem.

[TippyTwo]

I have found myself thinking the same way at times. Things I needed to get off my chest so to speak.

I knew it wasn't the answer because they couldn't respond in the way I needed them to.

So, I write the emails to myself. Sometimes I even answer myself to remind me of what a healthy interaction should be like, what I need to hear and why, and that I am worth this type of behavior and interaction.

[Healing4Ever]

My ex couldn't do level 3 talks.  He's really good at level 1 (the weather).  Sometimes could handle level 2 (the weather is giving me sinus issues).  But level 3 (when you did this, it hurt me) unh uh.

Can someone explain to me about the level of talks?  I'd like to read/understand more about that.  thanks!

H4E

[fromheeltoheal]

To me there are superficial conversations, stereotypically about the weather, void of any emotional content, what's being called level 1.  Level 2 is sharing what's going on with you, how something external like the weather is affecting you.  Level 3 is real connectedness, being open, honest and vulnerable, and telling someone what you are feeling about them or your r/s with them, real communication on a heart to heart level.  Maybe there's a level 4, which is true intimacy?

[leftbehind]

my ex was also very good at level 1 and 2, but I now realize that all level 3 conversations were initiated by me, and most likely stressful for him.

[recoil]

There is a book called "The Seven Layers of Intimacy".  It's a good read.

[Billa]

Texting him as a way to self-validate may work, but there's always the risk that he will respond, and then you're down the rabbit hole again.  I got an email from my BPD ex a few months after I'd last seen or talked to her, and it triggered the feelings all over again, almost like no time has passed.

you're right, but I don't think my exBF will respond, I've been painted of the blackiest black of all... .   

One thing I did that helped was to write her a letter, by hand, pouring out all of the things I never said, (I got to the point where I just wouldn't bring things up because it would cause another rageful outburst) and never sent the letter, but writing it helped.

Another thing that helped was to find traits on healthy relationships on this site and elsewhere online, there are a lot of them.  I compared a healthy relationship to ours, and ours failed every single trait, every one.  That was enlightening, and helped me start focus on me, and realize that I would never get what I want and need from her, no matter how much I tried to fix and rescue, which was my part of the problem.

I'm journaling a lot, and sometimes, in my writing, I write to him.But it's not the same... .