Being a mother on mother's day

[Cordelia]

I just got my first mother's day present (!) - my twins are not due until June but my sweet BIL and his gf got me a present anyway, with a note saying they thought I will be a great mom.  I'm so touched and blown away and find that this has really transformed my experience of mother's day, which I always experienced as a day of dreary obligation and dishonesty, in which I had to convince my mother that she was a great mom, despite the truth which we both knew perfectly well.  When I was young and really believed that my mom was a great mom I would try to make elaborate breakfasts in bed, etc., only to have the effort criticized and brushed off. 

Those of you who have been mothers for a while - did you find that having your own children, and doing mother's day things with them, changed the way you felt about the day?  When I think about getting cute handmade cards or other sweet presents from my own kids someday, I get really emotional (could be pregnancy hormones, ) thinking that what had always been a day of lies and disappointment and buried pain could become a loving moment to share with my own family. 

I had thought I was pretty much over mother's day angst since I went NC with my mom - I had reinterpreted it as a day to mother myself, be kind to myself by protecting myself from toxic people and doing something healthy and rewarding - but now with my own children on the way I'm really reconnecting with the original meaning and feeling some hope that some of the sad memories of this day could be tempered with new positive experiences. 

[TenaciousMe]

Congratulations! For me, pregnancy and motherhood has healed me of so many of the wounds that came from being the daughter of a BPD/NPDm -- and in ways I never could have imagined.

The birth of my daughter (now 7) was actually the catalyst for my breakthrough. And in her early years, I realized in the exchange of unconditional love with her just how hungry I'd been for authentic mother love myself. When you've never experienced it, it comes as a wonderful, life-altering surprise when it enters your heart.

That said, Mother's Day has become a much different experience for me. Particularly since I went NC. There is more joy, but it is still a bit complicated for me. I revel in my own daughter's love and appreciation and in the unconditional love, stability and consistency I've been able to give to her. But a part of me is still wounded when I see Mother's Day cards - because I know I will never have what I have given my own daughter.

[ScarletOlive]

Aww, Cordelia I'm glad that your BIL got you a present. That's so sweet! Congratulations on twins! May you experience great joy as a mother to your kids. 

[Islandgrl]

Hi Cordelia

That's lovely re your pressie and congrats on your twins.  I stopped getting gifts for my BPD mother a couple of years ago as I was finally able to be honest with myself about what a terrible mother she is and that she won't change (very unlikely in any event). Also  felt able to deal with the fall out.  My enmeshed brother and sister still get her gifts and she will bring this up if I see her ( which is not much, I'm lc) but I've learned to ignore. 

Sounds fantastic if you can replace the bad memories of the past with new good experiences.  I'm also pregnant which brought me to the board.  I hope it can lead to a breakthrough like for tenaciousme but it has made me realise that I have a lot to deal with that I haven't properly dealt with before.  I love the idea of getting handmade  gifts myself and if I can be a good enough mother that my daughter genuinely wants to show appreciation on Mother's Day, it would really mean the world to me.  I'm determined to be the best mother I can be but I know that my own experiences have not prepared me well for this so I'm going to need to be aware of my conduct and behaviour.

[Cordelia]

Thank you so much for your good wishes!  And congratulations on your pregnancy Islandgrl!

I'm determined to be the best mother I can be but I know that my own experiences have not prepared me well for this so I'm going to need to be aware of my conduct and behaviour.

I am very aware of this also.  I'm realizing that I had the impression that only my mother could ever be a mother, and that was the only way to be a mother.  My mom certainly never mentioned the possibility that I would have kids myself someday (except to jeer at me when I suggested I would parent differently than her that I thought I wouldn't make any mistakes and thought I would be perfect), and between the unhappiness of my own childhood and my passion for my rather family-unfriendly job parenthood was just totally off my radar screen for many years that I am surprised to find myself in this role.  I do feel unprepared both because of my mom's example and that I just have literally given motherhood zero thought.  Whereas most things in my life I plan down to the last detail.  At this point I'm primarily worried about losing myself, my previous interests and my sense of who I am, more than I am worried about being a bad mother.  (I know that sound selfish!)  To me actually they are part of the same thing.  My mom was such a mess - she couldn't take care of herself much less me and my sister - and I am determined to be more successful, able to handle the demands of motherhood while retaining my ability to sustain my own interests, to have a sense of humor, to be emotionally healthy, not to be a vampire draining the blood of her children because she has supposedly sacrificed everything for them, leaving her the shell of a human being.  I want to be there to enjoy my kids and share my life with them - me, my real self, not some fake pretense of perfect motherhood that is trotted out for strangers and deteriorates into chaotic disintegration when others aren't around.  My therapist says my mom's FEELINGS of being overwhelmed and crushed under the burden of being needed too much aren't particularly extraordinary or wrong, it's just that her reaction to those feelings (throwing temper tantrums, blaming her kids) was completely instinctive and childish.  She suggests since I don't behave like that myself in other areas of my life (throwing fits and blaming others for my difficulties) I'm unlikely to do so as a mother either.  Which does make me feel better.  But still, it's very nerve-wracking to be entering into this role which was always so destructive in my life.  That's why it meant so much to me that someone who knows me thinks I'll handle it well... .  !

[Islandgrl]

Hi Cordelia

Thanks for your congrats.  i dont think its selfish at all to worry about losing your interests and sense of identity - as a society we often expect mothers to be completely selfless but while we ont want to end up like our mothers, if you take care of yourself and take some time for you, you will be better able to take care of your twins.  I think you are absolutely right that you need to share your real self and interests with your kids rather than act like some sort of martyr.  Sounds like you will be a great mother and those who know you recognise that.  Your pregnancy may have been a surprise and a challenging time, particularly with twins but it sounds like you're in great shape to meet those challenges.

My pregnancy was unplanned and family or having kids has never been a priority (I found out I was pregnant when I went to the dr with what I thought was early menopause) but I was delighted when I found out and I'm really looking forward to being a mom.  I am apprehensive but I aim to do the best I can to be a mom and still continue to grow as a person and to be me.