Living with MS and BPD detachment

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Saturday May 11, 2013 – TECFIDERA DAY #3

I think the biggest thing for me today is the reality of the situation kinda crept up on me this morning.  I woke up really sore, laid in bed, and my body was completely relaxed.  I can’t remember the last time I felt so relaxed, calm, and at peace with things!

Then I got out of bed, my legs were sore.  I push things as far as I can physically.  I workout daily and believe in physical fitness.  Then after I took my handful of pills this morning, I was nauseas.  Like everything else with this disease, I push through it.  I am slightly constipated as a side effect of this medicine, which is uncomfortable but I will get through it.

Depression is common with this illness.  I have yet to find a person who actually understands what I go through both physically and mentally.  I know ultimately that these times define who I am as a person, but nobody really “gets it.”  I guess it’s human nature to see someone and if they aren’t in a wheelchair or “visibly disabled,” then they are fine right?

So feeling the depression setting in tends to make me ruminate about my ex-wife.  Why couldn’t she understand?  I loved her with my soul but that wasn’t good enough.  I saw her last week and we spent a few hours talking, but it’s almost as if she only wants to see me to rub my nose in certain aspects of her life.  It hurts that we can seem to connect really well, but after we do, she runs away again.  What that does to me mentally/emotionally, words cannot describe the feeling.  I guess it’s the abandonment of her BPD.

My parents tend to stay in denial about my situation, which does bother me.  Every time I try and talk to them about it, it’s quickly dismissed.

 

I know that I have to accept reality.  Acceptance of other people for who they are and what they are.

On that note, I’ve gotta snap myself out of this…off to the gym.

[mcc503764]

Saturday May 11, 2013 – TECFIDERA DAY #3

I think the biggest thing for me today is the reality of the situation kinda crept up on me this morning.  I woke up really sore, laid in bed, and my body was completely relaxed.  I can’t remember the last time I felt so relaxed, calm, and at peace with things!

Then I got out of bed, my legs were sore.  I push things as far as I can physically.  I workout daily and believe in physical fitness.  Then after I took my handful of pills this morning, I was nauseas.  Like everything else with this disease, I push through it.  I am slightly constipated as a side effect of this medicine, which is uncomfortable but I will get through it.

Depression is common with this illness.  I have yet to find a person who actually understands what I go through both physically and mentally.  I know ultimately that these times define who I am as a person, but nobody really “gets it.”  I guess it’s human nature to see someone and if they aren’t in a wheelchair or “visibly disabled,” then they are fine right?

So feeling the depression setting in tends to make me ruminate about my ex-wife.  Why couldn’t she understand?  I loved her with my soul but that wasn’t good enough.  I saw her last week and we spent a few hours talking, but it’s almost as if she only wants to see me to rub my nose in certain aspects of her life.  It hurts that we can seem to connect really well, but after we do, she runs away again.  What that does to me mentally/emotionally, words cannot describe the feeling.  I guess it’s the abandonment of her BPD.

My parents tend to stay in denial about my situation, which does bother me.  Every time I try and talk to them about it, it’s quickly dismissed.

 

I know that I have to accept reality.  Acceptance of other people for who they are and what they are.

On that note, I’ve gotta snap myself out of this…off to the gym.

[jrx]

I completely understand the depression. People without it tend to dismiss it as being "sad". For them it's a passing feeling, it'll go away on its own. For a person with depression, it doesn't. You end up living inside your head ruminating and it spirals down.

For me, the worst part of depression is going outside. Others hate being around depressed people. I get ostracized a lot shopping for groceries or in the checkout line. It's as if my depression is about them and I'm trying to bring them down.

In fact, when I'm in public depressed, only one person has shown me the least bit of compassion in even the smallest form. Most of the time folks don't give a sh!t --- I'm fine with that. It's the nastiness that bothers me. I do try pretty hard to hide it. One time a drive-thru attendant saw this and thanked me. The ratio is several hundred to two for nasty.

Do you feel isolated because your parents are in denial? Mine think emotionally violent arguments are normal. They used to have them all the time. So I don't talk with them about it. I often feel like trying to figure out how BPD and other people's reactions to people who deal with BPD is like trying to untie the Gordian Knot.

I took a lesson from the story with the help of my therapist and decided to just cut the knot. I don't mean cutting the relationships, I'm saying something similar to what you wrote about acceptance of other people for who and what they are. My angle is that I'm less concerned about reading people's minds as to why they feel some way and need to focus on how I feel and what tools I can develop to improve my situation. It sounds like the gym is a good tool for you. How do you feel it works? Best of luck.

[oletimefeelin]

You know I may not know what it's like to have MS, but yours was one of the first posts that I have read here that really resonated with my own personal situation.  I finally had to walk away from my ex.  All the late nights calming her down, the roller coaster emotions, etc made it so may health was being negatively impacted.  I had recognized that something was up a few years earlier when I had a bad bacterial infection.  Ever since I hadn't felt quite like me.  I'd become uncharacteristically volatile with her the first time through, so when we broke up after round 1 I made a point to address the situation with specialists. 

And well I addressed it but doing so seems to have made things so much worse.  My quality life is poor right now.  I have enough energy for work and that's it.  The hard part in detaching has been longing for that time when I was able to physically do things I love like say working out.  The last time I remember feeling physically good was with her. 

Long before my own struggles I realized that people never want to listen to medical issues.  So I rarely tell anyone.  It's a truly isolating feeling to be sick.  I feel for you.  I have turned over my stones in my search for answers.  More recently I have had success with something that a lot of MS sufferers report excellent success with.  PM me and I'll pass it along.



   

[heyhey]

I have Body dysmorphic disorder which is making it hard to detach as well.  I too suffer great depression because of my disorder.  I look completely normal and healthy but its my mind that isn't well, so most people don't get it when I'm down on myself all the time.  Its makes it twice as hard to detach when we have our own issues that we struggle with.