Running, running, running

[fromheeltoheal]

I've always known that if I run really fast, I can outrun my emotions.  And of course running really fast is encouraged in our culture, so it came with the illusion of 'success'.  Chemicals have always helped, the illegal ones in my youth, later lots of caffeine to run all day, and booze to slow down at night, but never really stop and feel.  Stop and just BE.

But I've come to the realization that had I been centered and grounded, focusing on feeling instead of doing, I would probably never have gotten involved with my BPD ex to begin with.  There were just too many signs, to many obvious red flags, and me running, as usual, coupled with the loaded bond between us, and off I went into chaos.

So the answer is obvious.  Slow down, get centered and grounded, lose the chemicals.  It's easy to dive into work to gain significance, focus outward and avoid.  But how 'bout I don't do that?  I've cleared the calendar, I'm keeping work at bay, I'm not doing caffeine, I've made the one and only priority to just be, just feel, no distraction with external stimulus.  And of course now the feelings are coming up.  I've been really angry, which I realize is part of the healing, but is also a place to get stuck and long-term isn't healthy.  The anger is abating some, and now comes what's under it, which is hurt, which makes me sad and depressed.  I could be full of regret, but I choose to believe everything happens for a reason, I needed to go through what I went through to get to my next step of maturity, and the only way out is through.  So I'm cleaning the house this weekend, staying in whatever feelings come up, enjoying the therapy that scrubbing a shower provides.  And typing this helped.

Can anyone relate?

[Kwamina]

Hi fromheeltoheal 

I certainly can relate! It felt like I had been running for nearly thirty years until I hit a wall and realized I had to make some drastic changes. I tried to bury my emotions by keeping busy, focusing on work etc. I was actually afraid of slowing down because then I would be alone with my own thoughts. I struggle with the hurt and anger too, I'm still finding it very hard to accept certain things that happened to me. I have slowed down though, am even doing meditation nowadays

[maria1]

How long have you been feeling? When exactly did you stop running? My gut reaction to your post is you will go 'Oh yeah here come the feelings, here comes the anger, here I am feeling the feelings... .  and then you'll jump up and clean the shower. I don't mean to say you aren't doing the good and hard self work  , I'm just saying you are in danger of getting straight back into the doing again, just as you feel.

The hurt is the bit that stops us. Make sure you stop. Nobody wants to feel the hurt. None of us want to feel unbearable pain so we do whatever we need in order not to.

Have you thought about going back further in your thoughts about where this avoidance of feeling comes from? You might need to bathe in the pain for a while and go digging about in it, if you can.

Stop and just BE.

Make sure that you do  

[fromheeltoheal]

Thanks maria.  I've had lots of feeling states during and since my BPD r/s, and my natural state has been to run out of them, as you mentioned, but lately I've accepted that running just makes it worse, and feeling through something is the answer.  There are plenty of ways to avoid, and I'm spending time now not avoiding: no music, no TV, no socialization for the sake of it, just being alone with my thoughts and feelings, and doing housework in that state isn't avoiding anything, and is actually therapeutic in a good way.  Are you good at just being?  Tips?

[maria1]

No! - I'm not good at just being but I'm getting better. My CFS means I have to stop for large chunks of time and that helps me. I am learning meditation and it is an absolute revelation. It is all about just being.

That sounds really strong that you've consciously set it up so that you're not distracting yourself. Music helps me connect with myself and so does socialising but I socialise in such a different way these days. Before I wanted to be out to be out. Wanted to be seeing people and being seen. I needed to be shiny and bright and noticed. That feels left behind now and quite alien, scary even.

I suppose housework has always been a bit of an avoidance of feeling for me. I mean it's very cleansing and it feels very good to get everything straight and clean and in order. But then what? I don't know, something in your post just seemed at odds with itself. I'm rambly tonight, may not be really making sense!

[fromheeltoheal]

No, I get it, and thank you.  I meditate, and although it's been short of revelatory for me yet, it is calming and centering.  Focusing on my breathing and being still, with an overactive brain that won't shut up, is challenging, but I'm getting better.  I can only meditate for maybe a half an hour though, and then what?  Lots of hours in a day when I've chosen to not bury myself in work, and I'm not in a r/s now after my BPD experience, so the focus is to stay slow, centered and feeling, feeling the state of being.  I'm not great at it yet, since I have many, many ways to distract myself, and this is new, but it feels right.  Do you see any flags?

[maria1]

The only flag was that you said you wanted to just be but were still doing!

In my meditation class this week, my teacher, who is amazing, talked about trying to take the state of connection/ just being whatever you want to call it with you so that you can call on it when you're not meditating. This woman has given me a whole new take on meditation.

Do you just do the breathing or do you do other stuff as well? Can you get to a state where you can see the thoughts passing? Do you feel a connection with yourself? I'm not trhere at all yet but I get moments which are actually quite overwhelming and feel really transformative.

[fromheeltoheal]

I can get to a place where my mind goes calm, and the constant barrage of thoughts quiets down, and I feel like I'm floating.  It takes some work, or unwork, to get there, mostly getting out of my own way, and I can't always get there, but when I do i feel a sense of relaxation after that lasts for hours.  Beneficial.

I've also tried some guided meditation, which is effective and different, in that I'm listening to someone take me places, and it's more outwardly focused.  I say it's all good, and it does feel that I'm connecting with myself and something bigger.  All new.

[maria1]

It's good stuff isn't it?

You seem like you're not sure that you are doing things quite right- you are asking about flags as if you wonder if there is something you are missing or doing wrong. Are you worried there's more to where you want to go?

[fromheeltoheal]

Not worried, just unsure.  My base state has been to focus outwardly on others, and really making my feelings a priority is new.  I hardly think about my BPD ex anymore, feels like history, and I was just sitting here thinking that coming from this centered, grounded space feels right, and I look forward to spending much more time here, as the world shows up and I get to see how well I do.  There are folks who are further down this path than I am, so I'm looking for feedback and guidance, so thanks maria.

[Blazing Star]

Sounds like you are doing great frommheeltoheal! It's wonderful that you are gifting yourself this time and space to BE and to feel.

Feelings can be intense and scary, especially when we have been running from them or numbing them. I too am curious what would happen if you just sat with the feelings when they came up, to take a pause in the housework, put things down and sit and give the feelings total space.

Let us know how you get on.

Love Blazing Star

[fromheeltoheal]

OK, you guys got me thinking, and I appreciate the feedback.  A couple of things have come up for me in the last day, and yeah, I cleaned a few things, but the focus has been being and feeling.  I kinda got hung up on what isn't doing, and is it possible to just be, and isn't just being doing something?  Mindfck.  It's really about slowing down and being present in my body.  So I went for a few walks, which I'm pretty sure is minimal doing.

Anyway, the primary emotion that comes up is anger, and I've been feeling into that for what's underneath it, and it's usually hurt.  I was disrespected or invalidated by someone, stuffed it, and it bubbled up later, uglier.  Same story, many different situations.  So the answer, moving forward, is to speak up for myself, assert myself, stand my ground.  It doesn't always have to be a fight, in business it usually is, but in personal relationships with people who care about me, it's about expressing my truth as openly as possible, being vulnerable, and letting fly with who I am at my core, and turns out the folks who really like me and care about me end up liking me more, and I don't have to carry around unexpressed crap.  And the folks who don't like me?  Screw them.  And honestly I've noticed that sometimes my level of honestly and openness scares people or makes them uncomfortable, so they need to make me the bad guy, but it's not me, I realize.

So there's two things.  One is moving forward per the above, which works, the other is dealing with the wreckage of the past, the anger of which still lingers.  I have a few ideas there, but more input is appreciated.

[maria1]

Walking works for me. It has been THE most helpful thing in the past year since BPD r/s (excluding meditation which im only just starting) You know it's interesting how the anger works. I need to be angry to keep myself away from people. I need a level of anger at peoples selfishness, arrogance and attempts at manipulation, which seem to be pretty constant suddenly. Problem is I hate anger! I particularly dislike displaced anger. I see it all around me and I find it incredibly unhealthy. But anger is an emotion we all need to feel at times I guess. I'm trying to work my way through that; I don't have an answer yet!

I think your anger sounds good and healthy. I'm sorry for the hurt that's below it. I think it's good work you are doing. Keep walking- keep digging!

[fromheeltoheal]

Thanks maria.  I have some guided meditation on CD, and you motivated me to go there later today.

I've noticed that people I admire most don't get angry much, they just assert themselves while staying centered and strong, and it is extremely effective.  It's the centeredness and personal integrity that speaks the loudest, making anger unnecessary.  A worthy goal.

And then there's the anger over things in the past.  The insanity that was my r/s with my BPD ex brought all of that to the forefront, since it was so extreme, and really shined a spotlight on the issues I need to deal with.  I've forgiven her at this point, she got triggered and it wasn't her fault, and fixing it is her deal, so I'm just taking the lessons.  Still struggling with how to deal with other old anger and hurt though.  I've noticed that when life is working those things are irrelevant, but when I hit a wall, they're still there.  Digging... .  

[maria1]

I'm only just connecting with some anger toward my father for putting his needs first when I was a child. In my therapy group last week I shared how my father had left me and my brother after my mother had died when I was 18. The rest of the group reacted really angrily that he did that; one woman had tears in her eyes. Somehow this allowed me to feel angry myself.

It might help to think back to your family and who treated you in a similar way to your BPDex. You may already be doing this.

[fromheeltoheal]

Whoa.  That must have been a very difficult time maria; good for you for finding the strength to make it through, and yeah, I'd be angry too.

Yup, my BPD ex was very critical and judgmental, just like my father, which triggered me, while I triggered her, creating the chaos of our loaded bond.  I've been doing schema therapy, an offshoot of cognitive behavioral therapy, that addresses core wounds and core trauma.  I only just started, but the experiential processes are profound, and I need to take it at my pace, since addressing those core issues and how I feel about them changes how I feel about EVERYTHING.  Thanks again BPD.

[maria1]

Tough, hard work. Good for you

[Blazing Star]

It doesn't always have to be a fight, in business it usually is, but in personal relationships with people who care about me, it's about expressing my truth as openly as possible, being vulnerable, and letting fly with who I am at my core, and turns out the folks who really like me and care about me end up liking me more, and I don't have to carry around unexpressed crap.  And the folks who don't like me?  Screw them.  And honestly I've noticed that sometimes my level of honestly and openness scares people or makes them uncomfortable, so they need to make me the bad guy, but it's not me, I realize.

I love this! And am going to remind myself of this often. It's the people pleaser in me that finds this challenging.

Heeltoheal you are doing some awesome work!

Maria, your group therapy sounds like it is working well, I have always been curious about group therapy myself.

Love Blazing Star

[tcevans78]

I went through this exact same thing.  I've always worked multiple jobs, going to school, busy, busy, busy. I came home long enough to shower and change clothes to run onto the next thing.  I'd carry this huge bag around with me everywhere I went full of my stuff for the long day so I didn't have to go home. 

It was to the point I couldn't do anything, in the moment, that I wanted to do because my calendar was booked up months in advance.  I decided to have a month completely clear where I only did things I decided to do at the moment.  It took me probably 6 months or more of trying over and over again to get that month.  I finally did it and it felt great.  I was free of my need for an over-active social calendar. 

Result: I got to know myself a lot, lot better.  I refuse to ever go back.  My life is full, but almost never hurried.  I love it and I'm much more fulfilled.  And yes, I have to see myself for who I really am without the distraction of what I do to define me. 

In my artistic wellness sessions we color our feelings to help them flow/channel.  So, when I'm feeling something I get my paper and cray-pas, instinctually choose the color that goes w/my feeling, and using my non-dominant hand move the color onto the paper in a way that expresses the feeling.  I let it go a while, then stop and breathe.  She may then guide me to think how I'd like to be feeling instead, and to scribble that (in that color).  Or she will let me stay with the original feeling, and ask me to elaborate on what body part I'm feeling it in, and to describe it using all my senses.  Choose a time in my youth I felt that same feeling and explore that memory.  etc.  As you get through any layers, keep drawing it all.  Or stream of consciousness journal over top your drawing.  Or get out some magazines and collage the feeling.  Or move spontaneously in a way that announces the feeling.  Or make sounds with your mouth.  (like stand up and grunt, punch your fists, and stomp).  Act like an animal that expresses the feeling.  I think the idea here is that this feeling has been neglected for a long time, and it needs you to make up for it by making a really big deal out of it, and giving it a voice.  A really loud voice, and externalizing it if possible.  Getting it out of you. 

[Phoenix.Rising]

I have not read this whole thread, but I can certainly relate to running from emotions, or more aptly, from myself.  I became quite skilled at it.  I still don't do it perfectly, nor will I ever, but I keep coming back around to the pain.  I have a lot of hurt inside.  And, yes, I've had loads of anger... . for a long time.  I have been able to dig down deep enough to get to some of the pain.  It does seem scary, but it's not as scary once you get to it.  Just tears... . cry.  Cry hard. 

I watched a great film last night, Life of Pi.  It really spoke to me, a story of survival, immense pain, recovery, spirituality.  I could relate to his struggle.  I weeped watching it because I allowed it to touch my pain.  It was chock full of metaphor relating to what are dealing with in our personal journeys on this site.  Someone told me to lean into the pain.  Lean into it.  It won't kill you.  You are stronger than your pain.