Are pwBPD easily influenced?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi, I have been pondering this question. I feel like my ex was grabbed from me right under my nose. She seemed to have met someone else who was just so much better than me. Something I have noticed over her life is that she seems to be sort of easily manipulated and persuaded by others in her social life. When someone plants a seed in her head, it seems to grow into a tree. Is this common amongst pwBPD? I feel like if she was hanging out with a different crowd than the one she works with, what happened to her and I would not have happened. I think some scum trash at her job gave her an idea and persuaded her to do something that she was not necessarily planning on doing. It all happened so fast. Anyone have any input? Is this a common trait?

[BrewCrew17]

Hi, I have been pondering this question. I feel like my ex was grabbed from me right under my nose. She seemed to have met someone else who was just so much better than me. Something I have noticed over her life is that she seems to be sort of easily manipulated and persuaded by others in her social life. When someone plants a seed in her head, it seems to grow into a tree. Is this common amongst pwBPD? I feel like if she was hanging out with a different crowd than the one she works with, what happened to her and I would not have happened. I think some scum trash at her job gave her an idea and persuaded her to do something that she was not necessarily planning on doing. It all happened so fast. Anyone have any input? Is this a common trait?

[BorderlineMagnet]

I believe they are entirely. I literally took one night for mine to replace me. And only a day or 2 before she was telling me how amazing I was and how happy she was. Funny thing is though my replacement is the not so much better. A dumb, sleazy, white trash loser. Worse looking, shorter, and definitely lacking in anything that resembles class or intelligence. But this is her cycle- guys like him. I'm an exception. That was probably why it was so easy to replace me. The fear that I might see that I can do better than her, or that I won't want to be a family with her and her kids. This loser actually thinks their relationship began the night they met. I bet he's got as many issues as she does. Here's to hoping he treats her like crap and ruins her pathetic existence even further

[cska]

BrewCrew,

I don't know if pwBPD can be easily influenced or not, but one of the key points of BPD behaviour are constant oscillations. They can love you one moment and hate you 15 min later. So how can you influence someone who continuously oscillates between opposite emotional states?

I know I didn't have any influence whatsoever on my BPD gf. She would alternate b/w painting me black or white, and I could not convince her that I love her and that I wouldn't leave her side. So I definitely could not influence her despite my best attempts.

I feel like my ex was grabbed from me right under my nose. She seemed to have met someone else who was just so much better than me.

Yes, she met someone, and she idealizes him. Its only a matter of time before she paints him black, and either attempts to recycle you, or leaves him for someone else.

Its not really influence, its just that pwBPD are so emotionally unstable that they can't hold onto a feeling. They don't have consistency.

[leftbehind]

I think they are easily influenced by others, as they have no center.

Mine was in the habit of going to psychics.  He would tell me of the readings:

"So and so says we are soulmates, and that this is a really long term relationship."

"So and so#2 says that this is it, and I should stop waiting for the other shoe to drop and just enjoy it."

"So and so#3 says that there will be wedding bells!"

Is it a coincidence that he went to a new psychic 3 days before breaking it off with me?  Wonder what she had to say?

One of the ways I saw the break up coming was that he messaged me on facebook, where he was trying to write, "I sent you an email."  What he wrote instead was, "Isn't you an email."  I knew at that exact moment that it was a subconscious slip, and that he didn't think we were soulmates anymore.  In fact, I later found out he wrote that email because he was trying to come over that night to break up with me.

Go effing figure... .  

[leftbehind]

and no, you can't make this stuff up

[TippyTwo]

I don't know if they are easily influenced per se. I think they each have an MO so to speak of things, words, scenarios, ideas that attracts them because it fits their needs. Hit the right buttons and its game on.

Combine that with the customary mirroring and it looks like they are easily influenced. Might be they are just easily distracted?

[BrewCrew17]

Oh I am not saying I had any influence on her, at the end, I had none. There was nothing I could say or do to save her. Not the house I just bought her that she did not move into yet, not her 5 year old who called me daddy and begged not to go, NOTHING. Maybe at first when she was idealizing me she this was obviously different. I guess when you are black you have ZERO influence on them, and if you are white, you have complete and total influence over them. I am not saying this from the staNPDoint of being controlling, but, when you are white to them, it is almost as if you can do no wrong. So this new person she is idealizing, could say anything to her, and she would fall for it because I am not a piece of crap. She also made a complete downgrade. Left a 3 bedroom house I just bought her in a beautiful section of town, close to the beaches of Florida, to live in the slums of the neighboring town, with some dirt bag who will probably kick her ass to the curb at any time, who has a garbage job. I am a nurse, with a house and promised her stability. Not good enough. Apparently what she found is better.

[cska]

Left a 3 bedroom house I just bought her in a beautiful section of town, close to the beaches of Florida, to live in the slums of the neighboring town, with some dirt bag who will probably kick her ass to the curb at any time, who has a garbage job. I am a nurse, with a house and promised her stability. Not good enough. Apparently what she found is better.

Oh BrewCrew,

You have a big heart. And pwBPD have none. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Oh god, you deserve so much better. You really gave this girl everything. The way she treated you makes me sick... . God, I'm so sorry

[BrewCrew17]

You are right. I do. And I feel like no one sees it or will see it in my lifetime. She crapped on my dreams and I am afraid I will never get them back with anyone.

[BorderlineMagnet]

Brew your situation sounds kind of like mine. My current ex pwBPD left me for some sleazy, douchebag construction worker that looks like besides tits and tattoos he has zero interests in life. I on the other hand am in school, hold a human resources position within a large company, have not been arrested for weed recently (Like he has. Just a simple Google search and bam, there he was), I have ambitions, workout regularly, have a strict healthy diet, I'm a musician, I'm raising a puppy... .  She just mirrored me and stole all my good traits and moved on. I've kind of just realized how complete the mirror was in the last few days, and it makes me sick to my stomach. I had forgiven her, but now I hate her. Yet I still miss her. In a bad place now... .  

[BrewCrew17]

Yep. They crap on our dreams, for crap honestly. Mine left for a sleezy Best Buy employee, years younger than her, who can only afford to live in the projects. Classy. She signed a mortgage with me, only to leave the house behind before even moving in. She got me when I did not see it coming. I am an exception to the kind of men she associates with. Her previous ex is a piece of garbage and the new guy is too. As she drives around in the vehicle I got her. Not to sound like a jerk, but what is true is true, I made her what she is today. She used me, sucked me dry, then took off like a thief in the night. I also am pretty accomplished. I have 2 degrees, am a Nurse like I said, have a beautiful home in sunny Florida, was a great baseball player, raised her baby, now you would think I am scum of the earth. Funny how this all works. It nauseates me, regularly.

[BrewCrew17]

And yet, I still miss her as well... .  

Tell me about the mirroring you experienced? I am curious... .  

[BorderlineMagnet]

That's pretty awful of her to do that. She basically took all my nice, sweet, and caring ways and used them as her own identity. I had wondered why we had such an amazing relationship. We never fought or disagreed, always talked about how special we were to one another, always complimented each other. But that's who I am. And it made me very happy when I realized that is how I treat someone I care for and love. But then it made me so sick to think I just fell in love with myself, that she was just an echo of me. There was no one inside of her but this scared girl with no sense of identity or self-esteem. Towards the end she was even using patterns of speech I use, words I use, describing things and describing her life the way I do. Even when I exposed her to the guy she was seeing, we didn't have a horrible name calling blowout on the phone (which she only took my phone call because the new guy was there and made her do it). I was only hurt, asked why, and left her with kind words. Even after some LC emails after that night she creeped me at the bar, she used my email writing style when she would respond. Makes me sick that she took what she needed and moved on because she was so afraid that I would abandon her and her kids someday. I would've never done that. If she would've come to me with her fears I would have done all I could to find her the right help and therapy. I can tell she even lies to herself in emails talking about how great this new guy is, yet mentioning they fight about me and talk about me a lot. She also made a point of saying she chose him because she HAD to make a choice. Of course she chose him, he's the easier one to control, and is probably so caught up in her idealization that his dumb ass has no clue what she is.

[hellokitty4]

They are easily influenced because they do not know what they want and they are afraid to say no for fear that they will not be liked. My BPD friend will most often say yes to anybody including strangers.  The only person she says no to is me.  Why? Probably because even with her fear of abandonment or rejection, I am the constant in her life aside from her husband.

[KellyO]

When thinking about my ex-bf, I would say he stole opinions, personality traits and values from other people. How he chose people who he mimiced, I don't know. Maybe social status was a big part of that. When I met him, I never thought he would be person like that, but he is. He mimics, and whatever he mimics he thinks is actually HIM and has always been. He does not even notice how much he takes from other people, because he has no "self". If you talk with him, he can spend hours to explain to you what kind of person he is and what he thinks, and he even believes it, and then he does and says something that condradictes that all.  I could not trust him at all because of that. It did not matter what he said, I could not trust him because it was like he was two people and those two people in him had no idea what the other does.

What I think was dangerous in it that he believes he is independent and strong, when actually he is very dependent and weak person, and a coward. So when he does something that is cowardy, weak and is dependent of other peoples opinions, he does not even see it because it does not fit in his self image.

[LetItBe]

He does not even notice how much he takes from other people, because he has no "self". If you talk with him, he can spend hours to explain to you what kind of person he is and what he thinks, and he even believes it, and then he does and says something that condradictes that all.  I could not trust him at all because of that. It did not matter what he said, I could not trust him because it was like he was two people and those two people in him had no idea what the other does.

I could say the exact same thing -- except mine did start to notice how he completely revamped his lifestyle (again) when I was in the picture (again).  He asked his T how he could instantly drop a bunch of bad habits and start a bunch of new, healthy habits (stuff I do), and he said she just answered with something very positive and validating. 

I felt so much like I was dealing with 2 different people, also.  One was an amazing listener, empathetic, and learned how to make compromises and agreements (which was a new ability in our 2nd go-around).  The other would break those agreements, would forget what we each said, and would celebrate how detached he was from my hurt feelings.  Seriously -- celebrate.  To him, that was a sign of his growth. 

[leftbehind]

Kelly0, my ex mirrored tons of my traits, skills, practices and beliefs.  And now he thinks they are his, and I'm sure he feels that he's on a higher spiritual level than me now.  Even though he got the beliefs, info and practices from me... .  What the heck!

NonGF - I can so relate.  I hope you read this post, because I'd like to share with you that my ex actually made a painting to bring the spiritual energy of detachment into his life.  This was while we were still together and deeply in love (or so I thought).  But it was a red flag to me even then how much he valued detachment.  Now I know why.  Because it makes it easy for him to move on with no emotion whatsoever.  Like when I was crying hysterically the day he broke up with me (by email, but I went up to his house to confront him), and he had zero, I mean zilch, emotion.  Wouldn't even put his arm around me to console me.

This was a few days after he told me he was incredibly in love with me.  Only another person that has experience with a BPD ex would believe any of this.  It just sounds too ridiculous.

[Mr Bean]

My ex BPD left me for someone who can't take her to overseas holiday and buy her a lot of stuffs. It's totally downgrade. Plus the guy is also older than me. Much older. What doesn't make any sense, my ex and I are about to go again to overseas holiday this month (have taken her to singapore and hong kong in the last 2 years) before out of no where she found her ex that she hasnt met for 30 years and recycles him.

It doesnt make any sense at all but if it does, she wouldnt be suffering from BPD

[SarahinMA]

Yes, it's all about mirroring, because they have no sense of self.  My ex was super quiet when I first met him.  Then, we became friends.  When he realized I liked him, he COMPLETELY changed- mirroring everything about me.  It was so drastic that I didn't believe that it was him when he texted me, but he was saying all the right things.  I legitimately believed I had found my soul mate.  He was the perfect boyfriend, and admitted later to always telling me what I wanted to hear.

Towards the end of the relationship when I had been devalued and discarded, he completely changed again, this time adopting traits of his narcissistic and immature best friend (who became his source).  I even called him out that he was sounding just like his best friend.  It was almost scary. 

Now, my ex only does what his best friend tells him- what girls he should go for, activities to participate in, friends to have.  He can't do anything on his own.  He just lacks that core sense of self to make any decisions on his own.  When I start feeling down and missing what we had, I remind myself that all of it was a lie.  He's like an empty shell. 

[leftbehind]

SarahhinMA, this sounds like my exBPDbf too.  It took me a few weeks post break up to realize that he started mirroring a friend 10 years younger than him that he had worked with before, but has now started to work and hang out with much, much more.

I know his friend is very detached when it comes to women and doesn't want to be in a relationship.

Since my ex has started mirroring him, he went from never making any posts on facebook to making posts that echo his friend's political views to the letter. 

I've been not looking at his facebook the last couple of weeks since realizing that's also considered having contact, so I don't know if it's continuing, but my gut (and my dreams) tell me it has.

[lhd981]

For what it's worth,

My BPD exgf was very smart by anyone's standards, but due to her apparent lack of identity, often went with whatever the crowd she was with (or the person she was dating) was doing. She often talked about her different "phases", but I chalked this up to it being a part of growing - as she was 6 years younger than me, in her mid 20s.

I remember how she once laughed and told me that she licked a mall escalator handrail (and subsequently got sick for a week afterwards) because her friends "dared" her to, along with some other similar things. I chalked it up to her "quirky, free spirit" nature (which I was SO enamored by), but in the context of the whole relationship, it had a different meaning altogether.

[LetItBe]

Kelly0, my ex mirrored tons of my traits, skills, practices and beliefs.  And now he thinks they are his, and I'm sure he feels that he's on a higher spiritual level than me now.  Even though he got the beliefs, info and practices from me... .  What the heck!

NonGF - I can so relate.  I hope you read this post, because I'd like to share with you that my ex actually made a painting to bring the spiritual energy of detachment into his life.  This was while we were still together and deeply in love (or so I thought).  But it was a red flag to me even then how much he valued detachment.  Now I know why.  Because it makes it easy for him to move on with no emotion whatsoever.  Like when I was crying hysterically the day he broke up with me (by email, but I went up to his house to confront him), and he had zero, I mean zilch, emotion.  Wouldn't even put his arm around me to console me.

This was a few days after he told me he was incredibly in love with me.  Only another person that has experience with a BPD ex would believe any of this.  It just sounds too ridiculous.

leftbehind, this sounds like something my ex would do!  He told me not long before we broke up that he doesn't feel attached to anyone -- connected, sure, but NOT attached.  He seems to have a very strong aversion to the idea of that.  He also loves quoting Tolle, that r/s's are here for your growth, not your happiness.  Sounds like a happy, detached future I could have enjoyed with him... .  

What you said about your ex mirroring your beliefs, traits, and practices happened w/my ex, too.  He began studying Buddhist texts and doing my style of meditation.  In his email that was celebrating his ability to stay detached from my responses to his hurtful actions and words, he mentioned feeling more at peace and empowered than he has in a long time and that he hopes I can find those feelings too, "if you want to." 

[patientandclear]

My ex is working on avoiding attachment, too, following some Buddhist precepts.  He explained this to me when we reconnected as friends.  When I asked if he included attachment to people, he plunged into an explanation of how he used always to get lost in relationships, because he thought that's what a relationship required.  Now he is trying to define his self and that seems to preclude relationships.

OK.

For pwBPD, honestly, that could be a healthy step, right?

The problem comes when they do nonetheless form relationships, but then feel that the obligations that come from attachment are some sort of invasion of their freedom or self-definition.  It doesn't make for a good basis for relationship, as I discovered to my sadness even in our friendship.

I think we can affirm their move away from an immersion-style attachment, while still registering that they have to have some capacity for attachment or there is no point in being in relationship.  Of any sort.  (I am writing that for myself as much as for anyone else.)

[leftbehind]

patientandclear, yes it's like all they know how to do is swing from one extreme (Immersion) to the total opposite extreme (Detachment/Avoidance).

And they keep doing this with every relationship they're in, apparently. 

[ScotisGone74]

mine was very smart, probably off the charts IQ wise, but it was a definite loss of self that I witnessed-when she changed jobs she had to assume the identity of friends there, and of course find a new enemy at that job as well.  Wherever they work or spend a lot of time they are looking for someone to either feel sorry for them or to give them mounds of attention.   As far as the object consistency-when you are not directly in front of them-they know you must be planning to leave them, or don't love them, they have No sense of understanding why you are not there ANY time they NEED you.  What they see on a daily basis is the only thing in their minds they can relate to. 

[mcc503764]

In my experience, YES they are easily influenced.  Mine is a professional woman and does well in her prof life!  In an interpersonal relationship, she is complete opposite.

Since she doesnt have the skills to maintain any sort of personal r/s, she is constantly seeking "answers" from everyone.  The people that she seeks answers from are the ones that know HER version of the story and nothing else.  Not to mention, they are HER friends, etc, so obviously they are going to have some bias when giving advise!

The sad part is, my x and I could have worked through our troubles had it remained between US and not the entire community.  Unfortunately, NOBODY could keep their mouths shut and mind their own business!  It just sucks and I think that's the hardest part.  There are still so many feelings for my x, but NOTHING was/is ever between US.

That fact is what hurts.  When you know that there are still feelings, but Life just wont ever let things materialize into anything!  TOO MANY MOUTHS AND OPINIONS!

MCC

[BrewCrew17]

MCC. That is exactlyyyyy how I feel. Instead of discussing the issues of our relationship with me, she dragged some low life from work into it who probably only said what she wanted to hear. That's all it took. This is what I mean by easily influenced. They look for someone who gives them what they might wanna hear and accept it as good and steer clear of someone who will shoot it straight with them. Who the hell are these people to come in and judge something that they don't even know. They don't know me, our relationship, or anything to do with me and her. She claimed to barely be friends with people at work, yet they were the ones who seemed to convince her to get out. And she listened. Sad story. Can't even think for herself. I guess this is common amongst them?

[Billa]

i don't know if they can be influenced, that is to say, I'm convinced that what we define "being influenced" in their case is just mirroring and I'm not sure if it is the same thing.

[Billa]

well, when I was speaking to my ex-Bf, at the end of ours r/s, I had the impression I was talking with his ex-Gf, instead, which he was recycling. A lot of the things he said, about me, about our r/s, about our friends, were not his style, they were hers... .  As you, I was also convinced that she was stucking her nose everywhere in our things, but now, I'm beginning to reconsider it all and I believe that it was him the one who was using her to get consolation... .  

[haliewa1]

I'm convinced that my exBPDgf has painted me black in front of her friends.  I should have noted the way she spoke of those that had supposedly wronged her when we were together.  I would probably be considered close to a serial killer by her friends.  That alone would keep her from returning to our r/s since she is hypervigilant with her different friend groups.  She wouldn't be able to go back on what she has told them about the ending of our relationship though her inability to control her emotions was truly what set me on a different path.  You can only put up with so much!