Grateful for a place to find support

[zannie]

Hi friends.  So grateful to find a forum of support and true understanding of the complexities involved and competing emotions when loving a family member who has borderline personality disorder.  I  am the daughter of a mother I am sure who fits the criteria for BPD.  It is truly a devastating and exhausting illness. It has been a lifelong and isolating journey toward recovery for me... .  a childhood splattered with the confusion of self loathing and self blame.  Fear mixed with sadness and pity for myself and more for her, yearning for acceptance and love, uncertainty about my identity, boundaries, power, and loss of self esteem... . living in a place of a make believe mother much of the time... . this is the landscape of my childhood.  My first memory is woven with toxic shame and life long attempts of rescuing my mother from her despair, cruelty to my brothers and myself, and pity for her and her childish interpretation of interpersonal dynamics with those closest to her.

Now she is elderly.  It is even more difficult for her to accept the care and assistance she needs but stubbornly resists.  She excels at being a martyr and this requires I witness her self destruction of her own creation, and without any insight or care to develop insight on her part.  And I love her.  I have always loved her. I have always missed and yearned for the mother she almost could be.   I would see flashes of the mother that I needed and then in a blink of an eye, the raging abusive terrorist mother would consume her and all of us and my life seemed and still seems to be one of continuous walking on egg shells.

I have stopped trying to change her and need support to change myself. It's a delicate balance and requires emotional preparation before interacting with her.  She feels like the wounded animal that strikes out in pain. She misinterprets genuine offerings to help. She is suspicious of others.  I understand her own bottomless emptiness and wish I could take it away from her.  I cannot rescue her from it.  She is unable to acknowledge that the problem lies within her when criticizing, belittling, dismissing and emotionally abusing others.  Some of the time she hates me, is jealous of me,  and cannot tolerate my ability to embrace others and to draw appropriate and respectful boundaries.  :)ifferent opinions are perceived as abandonment and rejection.  She has pushed all of my other siblings away from her and I am the last standing.  I cannot abandon her yet I cannot abandon myself. I am so very grateful for your help and support.      

[mamachelle]

Hi zannie,



You will find many others here like your self, trying to maintain a relationship with a troubled aging uBPD mother. There are some great tools here for you to learn how to make things better for you and help you improve your relationship.

Are you still in therapy?

DO you have a family of your own now?

How are your brothers doing now?

here are some links to shed some light and hopefully help you improve communication with her:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)



Looking forward to hearing more of your story and hope finding this site makes Mother's Day a little easier this year.

Yours,

mamachelle

[zannie]

Hello mamachelle   and thank you for your response and links, I will certainly check them out and appreciate your support already!  I entered therapy many years ago and even went on for my masters in clinical social work in my drive to understand the dynamics of my relationship with my mother.  I knew that underlying so much of my own emotional dysfunction was the unresolved core wound of feeling rejected by my mother and not really having a childhood of my own, being thrust into the parent role as a child and coping by developing life long co dependent behaviors and thinking. I have engaged in my healing on a solitary road and I am  hoping to be part of a network of others whom also share similar experiences, in hopes that feeling part of a larger group may strengthen my ability for self care.  My brothers are all wonderfully warm and respectful men.  They found their way out by disconnection with my mother after years and years of her verbal and emotional abuse.  They just are not able to tolerate her self centered "Queen" and "Witch" martyr behavior anymore and I honestly am not upset with them. I understand their need for break.  She is brutal to their psyche.

One brother lost his child 3 years ago in a tragic accident.  He was the love of my brother's life, empathic, gentle, sweet, soul. Since his death, my brother has remarried and has found the first ray of brightness since James died.  My mother has refused any communication with him. She verbally abuses him.  SHE feels abandoned.  Her pain somehow eclipses my brother's.  She continuously attempts to split us siblings and it infuriates her that she is unable. 

I am mostly dealing with such sadness. I am divorced (of course back then I was unfit for relationships) It is a time of empty nest in my life, I celebrate my children's accomplishments, their own very healthy relationships and they are true blessings in my life and they will not know of my inner pain because I refuse to burden them and desperately have done everything in my power to heal and break this cycle of abuse. I became a clinical social worker and worked with abused crime victims and now work with adults with complex attachment PTSD.   I am grateful that in many ways my experiences with my mother  have taught me What NOT to do as a mother and I pat myself on the back for the appropriate relationship boundaries, sense of self and security my own children have.  I am grateful for the closeness I have with my brothers. It is just so so hard to watch this final chapter as my mother's life slips lower... .  it is like the curtain slowly falling following a somber play. And the child inside of me weeps alone for my own mother's smiling reflection back at me that never was really there. The hardest part for me has been in the giving up of hope that she just might change.

Spirituality became a real living part of my life since I was 4 yrs old.  Somehow, I reached to God, in those desperate moments, and still do, for solace and peace.   

When I came upon your site, it occurred to me that reaching out to others may help strengthen me and help to give me the courage to continue the tightrope walk through this last part of my mother's life.  I don't want to abandon her and feel I never could.  Thank you for listening and caring so very much xox

[mamachelle]

Hi zannie,

Your words are very touching and beautiful. This is a great place for you to be.

When a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively impact everyone in the family system, including children, siblings, and in-laws. Senior members on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw board are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.

Looking forward to hearing more of your story on our Main Boards.

 mamachelle