Lonely

[lost007]

I have waited for divorce from my BPDexwife for six months. She made my life hell. Terrorized me. Dated three years. She essentially coerced me into marrying her. I did. Shouldn't have. She nearly ruined me. I'm not the same man. Divorce was done last week. I've gone no contact for a month. She controlled every fabric of my life. I had to get out.  Someone was going to get hurt. Read all the crazy stories on here about situations that those of us in these relationships have endured. I'm a reflection of those stories. I resemble most of you. Torment. Terror. Vindictiveness. Pure evil. She begged me to stay. She begged me not to divorce her. I was at a breaking point. My kids(from a previous marriage) were at stake. My health was at stake. So now I sit. Divorced. Alone. My kids live in another state with my first ex wife. I didn't fight them moving because my life was in such turmoil dealing with my now BPDexwife. So they are gone. Visitation. But not the same. So many broken relationships. All this said. I still miss her. Been separated for six months. Not getting easier. Not at all. I cry a lot. I wanted her. I wanted her to be what she promised me she would. I loved her. I had to let her go. I'm devastated.

[cska]

Lost,

I'm so sorry  :'( I'm lonely too. I too wanted by girl to be everything she promised. I wanted to share everything with her, I wanted to spend my life with her. We were planning to get married. It hurts so much I know, sometimes tears start running down my cheeks and I can't stop them.

I was at a breaking point. My kids(from a previous marriage) were at stake. My health was at stake.

It looks like you had no choice. My girl also controlled every fabric of my life. I also had no choice. I think all of us reach a point where we just have no choice but to leave. I wish I had the strength to not look back... .

Hang in there, you got bpdfamily, I think without it I would have lost it... .

[lost007]

I agree. This forum, odd as it is because none of us know each other, has been a lifesaver. We do not personally know one another but share an experience that is like no other. I really let my life go for this woman. I would have been happy to just be with her and my kids. I did everything for her. She manipulated me so ingeniously. Yet at the end she knew something was wrong with her. Yet she couldn't stop her behaviors. I tried. I waited. She abused and just couldn't/wouldn't stop. When she was good she made me feel like I have never felt. It was intoxicating. When she was bad she made me feel like I have never felt. It was horrifying. I want her but can't have her. She will do this again. Intellectually I know she will destroy another. I get that. But I loved her. I wanted to help her. To stop her pain but I couldn't. So I had to leave her. I had to. But now I am truly lost mad have no clue how I will ever rebuild. I have health. Finances are good. But I'm without her and can't contemplate being with someone else. I know what the books say. I know the tricks and tools I'm supposed to use. Emotionally though, being real, I'm just afraid I'm  just gonna have to suffer this thing out.

[bewildered2]

hey lost,

hang in there. we know how you feel. i have been there too. you think that you've lost a real prize... .  the reality is that you've just cut the chains to an anchor that was gonna drag you down to the bottom of the pool and drown you.

so you had a very very lucky escape.

as hard as it is to believe, and as bad as you feel right now, and as hopeless as you think the future without her looks, i can assure you that from this moment on things only get better... .  for you.

this is your rock bottom. so remember it. remember how you got here. remember who put you here. and remember what part you played in enabling her to put you here. never ever forget this pain, and use the memory to drive you upwards and onwards.

you are a typical non. i'll bet you are responsible, and generous, loyal, hard working, conscientious, and kind. and i'll bet she has none of those qualities.

and that is why you will recover, you will rebuild, while she won't.

go listen to two songs by christina aguilera (from stripped album). "walk away" and "fighter".

these songs were written for people like us. and like she says, one day you will thank your ex for making you wiser and stronger.

she ain't no prize. you are. and you deserve and will get better.

b2 

[lost007]

Thanks bewildered. I am appreciative of encouragement. Your description is spot on. Yes. I would have drowned. Nearly lost it all. Yet she was my companion and my Waterloo. I have some acquaintances. A few friends. I really let them down with all this. I am working to repair but its as if I have lost my frame of reference. My social skills seem lacking now. I have shame I'm trying to get over. I have to be strong because she will return sooner or later. I guess this is rock bottom. It's lonely here. Who woulda known.

[bewildered2]

hey lost,

you will recover. i guarantee it. just as long as you get away and stay away.

and the tom berenger character in the movie "platoon" said to the rookie who had just been shot, "take the pain".

the pain is your reminder of how she makes you feel. it is a little instruction to you to take your hand away from the fire.

you will recover. i repeat. you will recover.

sadly, she will not. but there is absolutely nothing you can do about that. and if you try, she'll take you down with her.

time to be strong.

as willie nelson says, "the mark of a man is how well be bounces back".

i want to see you bounce big time.

b2

[morningagain]

My life will not get better until I do something about myself.

While it can be said that my separated dBPDw ':)id' to me harsh and hurtful things, it was my inability and/or refusal to stand on my values that resulted in me "losing everything"

Objectively:

I COULD have continued working hard, for example. (as in my job)

I COULD have maintained relationships with my children.

I COULD have kept up my prayer life, and kept attending mass every Sunday

I could have done a lot of things.  Although my employees and my children may harbor resentment for and place blame on my wife, I do not hold the false belief that they hold me unaccountable, nor that they should.

I have barely started to consider my values, and how to maintain boundaries so that I will continue to live by them.  I have a terrible time concentrating or being productive.  And yes, she did contact me, and that presents a new (and old) challenge.  My feelings for her did not simply evaporate and they are intensified with contact.  Whether she is in my life or out of it, unless and until I learn to be a productive and whole person on my own, I will either be a wreck, or one step away from a wreck.

And it is HARD.  I have no idea how to be alone, and I do not like it one bit.  I just know I have to take one positive step at a time, of which there are many choices.  like stop drinking.  like praying.  like attending mass.  like doing my job today.  like cleaning up my mess of an office.  like calling my children.  i cannot do them all at once, and i am plagued by guilt and contradictory feelings and thoughts.  but what i had to do to even get this far is to detach from the wounds, which i could not do until i was able to stop focusing blame on her and to look at my own dumb and smart, good and bad self.  lots of articles and lessons here to help in the detachment.

As far as whether or not my 'ex' BPD wife will recover?  Of course it is possible.  But that is not up to me.

[flynavy]

The loneliness is the worst part for me.  As many of you now know I was married to the love of my life for 32 years... .  she passed away after a 7 year battle with Ovarian Cancer.  Most of my friends are "couple" friends.  Friends my wife and I made over the years.  My therapist warned me that it will not be the same with these friends... .  although not intentional, there  was a gradual distancing... .  I guess its a psychological phenomena since I no longer am a "couple".  We still talk, have a drink every now and again, but not really apart of the social gatherings.  So ya think I was getting a little lonely and depressed! 

As many of you know about my exBPD/NPD fiance already let me just say she played the right role for me and filled that empty spot.

Even though I know who/what she is... .  I still find myself going there... .  remembering the comfort she gave me when I needed it most.  My take after 60 years on this planet... .  the greater the love... .  the greater the hurt and eventual loneliness.  I am by no means an expert on this stuff but I was extremely low last night... .  wanted/needed so desperately to feel close to someone... .  have the hurt and pain go away... .  even if for one night.  I did fight the urge off to contact my exBPD/NPD... .  I feel so much better this morning!  Being used, abused, by exBPD/NPD fiance for 2 1/2 years really makes me hyper aware how fortunate I was to be married to the most loving, caring, selfless woman... .  I only wish I could post her picture so everyone could see it in her eyes... .  At 60 years old I got my first tattoo... .  a memorial to my wife... .  Celtic cross (she was Irish as it gets... .  beautiful red hair, freckles) a white rose which I would give her out of the blue... .  she loved that, and two Latin saying... .  Semper Mecum (Always with Me) and Numquam Periit Amor (Love Never Dies)... .  Miss you baby... .  I know your watchin over me... .  it was you that pointed me in the directions before I made a huge mistake.  Semper Mecum!

[eniale]

I, too, miss by ex pwBPD, but it helps to monitor your thoughts!  When you start to feel lonely and miss them, think of all the terrible things.  My ex never made me feel good about myself.  I was always walking on eggshells.  He was a very accomplished man, and swept me off my feet.  It took me til the very end of our relationship to realize just how unstable he is.  Just came across Valentine's Day card from last year... .  he wrote "I Love You!"  This Valentine's Day, he told me had had "met someone" and she "bowled him over."  This after him making me promise I would never, ever, have anything to do with another man as "I want you all to myself!"  This was AFTER he had met "her" but before he told me about her.  People like this will break your heart, as you already know.  They are confused, conflicted and dangerous because of the mental suffering they cause.  Try joining new activities.  My breakup was 3 months ago and I am seeing therapist and gradually pulling life back together, but still very lonely at times.  Hopefully, it will continue to get better.  Just take it one day at a time and know you are not alone, it is not your fault, and it has happened to many others.  I find some comfort in that thought.  Saw a very good thing on here entitled "Clinging to the words you loved to hear" or something like that.  It helped me greatly as I kept thinking of him saying "I want us to belong to each other and spend the rest of our lives together."  He meant it when he said it, but he is unstable and like a flag that blows in the wind.  Truth is a variable with him, what is true today is not true tomorrow.  Such people are incapable of being trustworthy or honorable.  Good luck!

[WalrusGumboot]

I guess this is rock bottom. It's lonely here. Who woulda known.

Your posts here could have been written by me a year or so ago. This rock bottom is way too familiar to me.

What I can offer you is the promise it will get better. You are mourning, and once your mourning is complete, the sun will shine again.

I did something during this phase that might help you. When I looked in the mirror, I was really a mess physically, and I started working on that. You know how we tend to neglect ourselves. Joined a gym and started working out, got a haircut, got dental work done, bought some much needed new clothes, etc. I know when one is depressed, you don't necessarily want to be forced into social situations where it makes you uncomfortable, so these things helped to improve my self-esteem and confidence without forcing me into uncomfortable situations.

Good luck.

[Vindi]

hi lost, you did the right thing... .  you are much better off now. You even posted alot of truths of the marriage and how it ruined you. You can now get yourself back, to the old you, yeah it may take time, but thats ok, and the grieving of the marriage ending will take time. Deep down you know you did the right thing, and yes, there may be phases that you miss her or want her back... .  hold strong, keep the NC thing going

Keep posting, it helps, and know you are not alone... .  this is your new path to recovery!

[Maryiscontrary]

You will ultimately be fine... .  you have got to really establish boundaries of what you will and will not accept. If there is any common fault with all of us, it is that we let others get away with asshat behavior. Once you make that decision, many piece of the puzzle will fall into place.

[lost007]

Guys,

You are all correct. As I said originally, intellectually I know this. It's emotions and patterns I'm dealing with now. Loss. I wanted this woman. This loss rivals any I have ever felt. Yes, including death. I did give up everything. As was mentioned by all of you in different ways she was a virus that inhabited me and and was slowly destroying me from inside. Jason is right. I allowed these things. I have just grown so accustomed to that way of life that finding my way out is going to take a lot. I hurt for her as well. She has real issues. She has acknowledged this. She begged me for help. But as described by so many there is no real help. She morphed like the wind. Did and said things so vile and hateful that many wouldn't even believe it. Yet I still want her to feel better. I just know I can't do it. The cost is too high. I would have to give up everything. That isn't reasonable. She would have sacrificed her children to maintain this sick relationship with me. Her children have suffered as well. At the end it was pure torture. I had to plan an escape. Sneak out in a window of time where she left the house. Left her in my for six months while she ranted and raved. Fought me every step of the way. When finally forced to leave the home, she took so many things that belonged to me and my children that were not in the divorce decree. She sold off things that belonged to my kids for cash. So I know what I have to continue to do. It's hard to understand how I could have any positive feelings for her. Thanks for all the advice. I have times where I can almost feel normal. Just few and far between right now. Great to hear from those In Various phases of recovery. Great to not be judged for an inherent weakness of character that had me allow such an insidiously evil situation rob me of 5 years of life.

[eniale]

Lost007 --

You say:  "I wanted her to be what she promised me she would. I loved her. I had to let her go. I'm devastated."

But she CAN'T be what she promised you she would.  She is incapable.  No doubt, unstable.  Yes, I wanted what he promised:  that we "would belong to each other and spend the rest of our lives together."  I, too, loved him.  I, too, had to let go.  I, too was devastated.

But the key here is that you cannot "cling to the words you loved to hear."  She promised you things that you wanted, but her promises were empty, meant nothing.  That is the key.  I know it's hard to accept, but trust me, accepting it is your first step to feeling better.

Those of us who say what we mean and mean what we say expect others think as we do.  They do NOT!  This is what you must accept before you can start to heal.  Don't cling to the things she promised.  I recently came across his card from last Valentine's Day.  He did not simply sign it "Love" -- he signed it "I love you!"  We broke up a week before Valentine's Day this year due to his cheating.  Now he is with another woman who "bowled him over."  He probably wrote the same thing on a card to her this year.   I realized the words he wrote are not worth the paper they are written on.

Don't cling to empty promises.  They are just that:  empty.  It's hard, it's very lonely, it's painful, it's devastation at first.  But maintain NC and it will slowly get better.

[lost007]

Thank you eniale. I have been separated for six months other than a couple of sexual encounters with her soon after separation. That wasn't working out so I've had complete physical separation for four months. My divorce has been final a month. I still look over my shoulder. I still hear her voice. I still have a nagging longing. Working toward a better place. I do feel I will get there. I don't understand how I have a remnant of feeling for her. I shouldn't. Just unable to shake it yet. Visiting here helps. Thank you.

[bewildered2]

lost,

remember that when a borderline is behaving well, they tell you everything you want to hear. and at the time, they believe it. the closeness is real. but the fact is that she was just mirroring you. she wanted the same things that you wanted, at that time, because she didnt have any thoughts or ideas of her own. in psych land they call it "having no self". she doesnt know who she really is, and never will do, so she just offers a refelction of yourself back to you.

because it isnt real (her), she cant keep the act up unless you're around. and the minute you arent around she becomes another person.

borderlines are not consistent in their behavior, wants, desires. and they are chronically unhappy. so she will hang around until the old feelings of unhappiness surface again, at which point she'll blame you for her unhappiness. and that's when you see the real side of her. evil and vicious. lashing out and blaming you for her unhappiness.

it wasnt your fault. you were only trying to be nice. sadly, she has big problems... .

stick with your program of getting better. it will take time. but after a while you will feel better. and after a longer while you wont miss her one bit. in fact, just the opposite.

b2