Taking responsibility for past actions, or tell myself it wasn't my fault?

[browns4]

I recently met a Mom who was married to a BPD man for 13 years before getting divorced. Recently, I was telling her that when I was a child, I often lied to avoid angering my mother - and the lying became a bad habit that spilled over into the rest of my life for years. I also had such low self esteem that I would steal things that other kids had that my mom would refuse to buy me - just so I could fit in. And as a young teen, I would steal money.

After years of therapy, and the therapeutic healing of being married to a wonderful man and having wonderful children, I have found the inner-happiness that I craved as a child. However, I often think about all the people I hurt through my lying and stealing. When I first starting working, I used every penny of what I earned to pay back everyone I stole from. I wrote apology notes. Some people responded, some didn't. Many acknowledged that they appreciated that I paid them back, but that they cannot forget how I hurt them and do not want a relationship with me. Most have no understanding of who my Mom really was, or any inkling of what BPD is.

I have deep regret for the relationships that I lost because of my actions. I am fully aware that I was the victim of a deeply unhealthy childhood, that I was given very little/no tools to go out into the world with. But still, I hurt people. And I feel sorry for that.

My friend who's x-husband has BPD, tells me that I shouldn't feel bad. I should feel proud of how far I've come and how hard I tried to right my wrongs. She says that those people who don't want to give me another chance don't deserve to be friends with me. (I love her so much, she's so good for my ego!)

But I struggle with this very often, and I wonder if anyone out there can relate. When we were younger and our desperation of dealing with our BPD moms drove us to act in a way that was hurtful to others, where do we draw the line between taking responsibility for our actions... .  and forgiving ourselves and instead placing the blame on our mothers? It was MY actions that hurt people. Okay, I was confused, messed up, and had no control over my life. Okay, she drove me to act that way. But they were MY actions. Don't I have to take responsibility for them?

[ScarletOlive]

Hey browns4,

Making restitution to the people in your life was incredibly brave and took a great deal of moral character and courage!  It reminds me of Step 9 they have in the 12 step programs: I have made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

As far as your question goes, we are responsible for our actions. We may be less culpable, based on our upbringing, age, mental state, etc., but we still have to own what we have done. For me, I was a bully. Yes, I had learned it from the abuse and I was a kid, but at the same time I did know right from wrong. Eventually, I had to apologize, make amends, and accept the consequences.

You have done everything in your power to make amends to the folks you hurt and to own your past. It's up to those folks to forgive and determine their relationship with you.

Sending you much caring and support. Thanks for being an inspiring person for me today! 

[Cordelia]

I also really admire your making amends to others for your actions during this period!  It's painful to acknowledge we have done wrong, but also empowering to realize we had choices, and to take conscious control of what kind of choices we'd like to make in the future. 

I come from an ethical tradition that holds that children are not morally responsible for their actions - they literally don't have the ability to make moral choices - until they are basically teenagers (13 for boys, 12 for girls).  So if we are talking younger than that, I would for sure say forgive yourself completely and unconditionally.  And once you're talking older than that, I would just advise you to make sure that you're taking all the factors into account when you look at your actions.  Are you taking into account your whole situation, the choices you were able to make, the knowledge you had at the time, the level of support that you had?  From my own experience I know it's a heck of a lot easier to be kind and generous when you are safe and secure and surrounded by people who love you.  When you can't trust those around you yet you're too young to live on your own, you have an extremely insecure situation and your biological instinct is telling you protect yourself, and worry about others later.  Think about also whether being put in this situation was fair to you, and how you yourself have also been a victim of bad choices, both of your own and others.  I think one of the hardest things is to forgive ourselves for hurting ourselves.  For being so hard and unreasonable with ourselves, for expecting excessive levels of performance while facing insurmountable difficulties. 

Overall I think it's very positive to think about choices we made in the past with a fresh perspective and to consider what caused those situations to play out the way we did.  I've often found that taking this broader perspective leads to forgiveness, as I consider the whole context of the situation the person I had blamed (whether myself or another) was facing and what options they saw for themselves in that moment.  But if you do see a poor decision that was made, that's also helpful, as it can give you a clearer vision of what that person (again, yourself or another) is working with personality-wise.  Do they tend to jump into decisions impulsively?  Are they tempted to take the easy way out of hard decisions?  Do they rush to judgment and moralizing rather than trying to understand?  Are there certain personality traits that come out under some circumstances (tired, under financial pressure, etc) but not others?  It can be really helpful - just try to avoid making it about coming to some verdict (innocent or guilty) and try to just understand the situation more deeply in all its complexity.