I just want a vacation

[Chosen]

First of all I'm sorry for ranting here since it's kind of a small issue compared to a lot of other things we suffer, but I have to let the steam out.

We got married last year.  My work is very busy (not very long hours, but in addition to Mon-Fri I have to work on at least 1 day of the weekend for 2-3 weeks a month due to work nature), and I have been studying for the larger part of a year (work sends me to study, I don't have a choice).  uBPDh and I have been married for a year.  I really want to go on a longish holiday (a week or so) since we haven't. 

Over the summer I will be done with my studies, and lately I have been asking him about going on holiday a months later (easier for me to ask for leave a few months in advance).  We talked and talked and finally agreed on a date, which I then applied for leave and got approved.  Trouble is, right after I got my leave approved for 5 days, he told me it's not the best time because his sister’s family are going on vacation near to that date and he has refused her proposal to join them (we both don’t want to join them and go to that particular location).  His reason for refusing her, he told me, is that he said it isn’t convenient for him to leave work during that period.  This is something he never mentioned to me before, and I don’t think it’s the real reason, but he that’s what he told his sister anyway.

Now that I have booked my leave (but not yet the holiday, even though I will need to soon), he is saying that the time isn’t the best and kept on asking me why I wanted to go on that date (it was because we agreed on it?).  I have asked him several times saying, I understand perhaps it’s not an inconvenient time for him, and if that’s the case he should let me know, it’s ok, I will cancel my leave, but that must be done soon before the admin people process it (or else it cannot be done).  And he’s still in this middle, I-don’t-know-talk-later, wavering state.  What next?  Just to wait for him to eventually make a decision one way of another?  Give him a deadline and say “if we aren’t able to make the booking by hit I will be cancelling my leave”, or just not do anything and hope he will make a decision? 

I know I can’t push him to make any decision because he will (1) go mad, or at least irritated, and (2) he will put the blame on me forcing him to make a decision and doing something against his wishes. 

I know it’s a mundane issue (a holiday) but I’m kind of at a lost as to how to proceed here.  I really want to go on the holiday (also feel I need a break) and don’t want to cancel the leave (my boss is hard to deal with and hard to get leaves from her), but this is not something I can force on him.  Any suggestions how I can help him come to a decision?  Even if it’s not a decision I want, it’s still ok.  I just want an answer!

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[iluminati]

Since this is something you both freely agreed to, I would ask for a concrete reason why the circumstances have changed.  This isn't to say that stuff can't happen.  However, the fact that there is this "busy period" right around the time you BOTH agreed to take your vacation sounds odd at best, suspicious at worse.  Do you know of anything else going on in his life that could be close to your vacation other than his sister's vacation?

[raindancer]

Chosen

Your SO has said he explained to his sister that he is busy at work during the period she intends to go on vacation. He doesn't want to go on vacation with them. Your vacation is close to that time... .  

I'm going to go out on a limb here - something from my own experience... .  

My pwBPD will sometimes refuse social engagements with me as the excuse, and then tell me something different to avoid telling me that he used me as the excuse (because it's usually something that does not cast me in a positive light to the other person). He has gotten us into a few complicated circumstances this way... .  and he'll do/say a lot to cover up the fact that he lied about me to avoid something he didn't want to do.

Is it possible that your SO may have done something similar and now, not wanting to have to explain why he is going on vacation with you, is willing to cancel your vacation altogether? 1) It's not completely outside the realm of BPD thinking to portray a loved-one negatively to avoid a situation rather than be the "bad guy" themselves and 2) It's also not outside the realm of BPD behavior to avoid explaining one lie by making up another... .  

Purely speculation on my part.

BTW - I do hope he comes around and decides to make it a nice memory for both of you. But if nothing else book your vacation. Go on your vacation. Enjoy your vacation. You've earned it and you deserve it - with or without him.

[byasliver]

Ditto everything raindancer said! Very well put, rd! 

[Chosen]

raindancer,

I think what you say may well be true, he does use as an excuse to prevent himself from being the bad guy, tho in this case I think he really said he can't leave work cos neither of us want to go on vacation with his sis's family, but he doesn't want to tell the truth because claiming he can't leave work sounds better.  Except of course, he overthinks and I don't think his sister mindz either way.  Anyhow, my leave has been processed at work, so whether we are makong the booking or not I have a few days off.  i have let him know and if he doesn't do anything about it I will just not book anything (don't want him to have excuse that I don't care about his feelings or whatever)... .  and when the time comes will probably see if my friends want to go on holiday or something.

I think that by saying these (not always) harmless lies they get people arouns them into so much trouble they don't even know... .  

[daylily]

Hi Chosen,

The delay in making decisions and all the wavering is so frustrating, isn't it?     I am finally getting to the point where I am not going to be at his mercy for everything while waiting for him to make a decision.  I'm just going to give him the information, allow him a certain amount of time to contribute his "two cents," then if he can't make a decision or he falters, I'm going to make the decision and he can "come along" if he wants, or not.  (Usually, he ends up deciding what I had wanted him to decide in the first place, though it's usually too late to implement the original plan because he took so long.) 

We're discussing our next vacation, too, and I'm running into the same sorts of issues.  It needs to be booked in the next few weeks and he's being noncommittal, so it's gonna go south pretty soon.

From your last post, it sounds like you've got the right attitude about this!  You can make the best of it and enjoy some time off regardless of what he does or says.   

  Daylily

[Chosen]

It is frustrating because we have expectations... .  when I mentioned cancelling my leave (so we could plan for another time which is more convenient), he said I shouldn't cancel it.  yet he isn't telling me I can book the vacation for this period.  I juat cannot understand what is going on in his mind at all!

In any case, I will not so anything about it now... .  there is no point in me getting all wind up and pushing him to make a decision.  I know him well enough to know this will not amount to anything.  Worst comes to worst, I waste 5 days of my annual leave, and I plan to leave it at that!