anyone else's exBPD withdraw sex and affection?

[saw_tooth]

Reading this brings up soo many bad memories... . 

The control, the emotional abuse left me with many deep scars! 

The pieces that we are left with.  No reason, no logic... . 

So back to the topic, this definitely left me with the feelings of "what's wrong with me?"  As you all know, that plays HELL on your mind!

The jealousy, the games, the push/pull... . all I can do is shake my head and wonder WHY did I let another person treat me like this?

I allowed her to recycle me numerous times after the initial split, and even looking back on that, I can conclude she knew what she was doing.  People say that it's the BPD, but I beg to differ on this one... . She knew what she held from me in the r/s, so when allowing her to recycle me, she wouldn't withhold.  That would hook me, then once she had me hooked, she would slowly pull away... . 

This was a malicious game that she played with me, with my mind, and with my emotions... . this is why that r/s was like no other that I have ever had.  That is the damaging part, the part that stays with us for a very long time!

I experienced all this as well and looking back,realize that it was my co-dependence,the desire to 'mother' him and wishful thinking that 'If I loved him deeper/more,things would change' which made me stay.Also,when I look back now,I realize that I was stubborn and was insisting on 'living in a dream' because facing facts and accepting things the way they were was not easy.

The 'idealize-devalue' cycles affected my health,work and caused mild depression besides shattering my self esteem.Even though I know now that he is sick and din't act the way he did on purpose,the words 'I never felt anything for you' and ':)on't ever touch me' still prey upon my mind multiple times a day.

It hurts.Still.Even though we are NC and I don't exist for him anymore,it hurts.

I am on the path of growing emotionally indifferent to him now.Its a long journey but I  have embanked upon it because there is no other way out of this pain.

[mcc503764]

It hurts.Still.Even though we are NC and I don't exist for him anymore,it hurts.

I am on the path of growing emotionally indifferent to him now.Its a long journey but I  have embanked upon it because there is no other way out of this pain.

I am right there with you on this one.  The best advise that I can offer, as it has seemed to work with me, is to use that pain / hurt as a fuel to push you forward... .try and channel all of that negative energy into something positive?

MCC

[trying to understand]

Another thing that just came to me, and it should've been a red flag at the time:

I once commented (more like gushed) on what a sexually charged free spirit she was, along with her immense affection. She smiled and thanked me with a kiss, then said "It's better than being called a frigid b***h!". I gave her a hug and a surprised look - she mentioned that it was something she had been called by an ex. I just couldn't believe it!

Not my sweet, sexual, loving partner!

Of course, towards the end of our relationship, I could certainly easily see how he could have thought that about her. (Even though I'd never say anything like that to a woman)

This happened to me too. I ignored SO MANY red flags. my exboss/exgf with BPD told me tons of stories about people she had slept with and how they eventually ended up hating her, but for some reason it didn't occur to me that she would end up giving me a reason to hate her too. I was blinded by love, I guess you could say.

[saw_tooth]

I am right there with you on this one.  The best advise that I can offer, as it has seemed to work with me, is to use that pain / hurt as a fuel to push you forward... .try and channel all of that negative energy into something positive?

MCC

Thanks so much MCC.

I have taken baby steps and am re-directing all that negative energy towards my personal emotional growth and toward doing some new types of work and things are getting better everyday.

Thanks again,appreciate the awesome advise.

[mcc503764]

I am right there with you on this one.  The best advise that I can offer, as it has seemed to work with me, is to use that pain / hurt as a fuel to push you forward... .try and channel all of that negative energy into something positive?

MCC

Thanks so much MCC.

I have taken baby steps and am re-directing all that negative energy towards my personal emotional growth and toward doing some new types of work and things are getting better everyday.

Thanks again,appreciate the awesome advise.

2 years, and numerous recycles later, I am definitely a different person.  I look at the changes I have made in myself.  It was / still is, to some extent, one of the hardest times of my life.

But... .I have learned... .I have grown... .I continue to change on a daily basis... .I look for continuous improvement, as that is what keeps me going! 

It's important to remember that your experience DOES NOT define you... .it's how you respond is what shows your true character! 

MCC

[Surnia]

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