What do I do with the sentiments my exBPD fiancee is sending?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I'm just over a month out of a broken engagement with a BPD man. He broke the engagement.  We were together off and on for 3.5 years and that was extremely chaotic but last October he came back to me saying all the right things and acting unlike he had in the past so I went back to him. When we did get back together he knew about some people I had become friends with and a date I went on and was extremely upset over it all. I was of the opinion that it was none of his business as we were not together and he was also out doing his own thing. Regardless, he proceeded to ask me to marry him about a month after he knew about the single activities. It was less than 10 days after we got engaged that it all came up again and started to fall apart .  Anger he had about things that happened while we were broken up before, carrying that forward and demanding I do something to make up for it etc... .  All my attempts (which I shouldn't have done anyway) were either not good enough, not soon enough, not enough in general- I could do no right by him.  He would find fault in everything I did and then be angry about that therefore cancelling plans or things we could have been doing together and then being angry that we lost out on doing those things... .  I'm sure you all see where this is going until finally it was over. (Very short version) 

But since he broke the engagement he was immediately out "dating".  And although he is out there flopping around with new females he has stopped by 2x at 2-3am drunk and uninvited sneaking into my building and still sends me text messages teetering between how he hates me or about how much he misses me and how I was the love of his life etc... .  I don't know what to do with all this.  I struggle so much with whether or not he actually loved me or if it was all just some screwed up act for him.  For instance, the most recent was he was out on a date (he made references to it in the messages) and as he's on the date he is texting me about how much he misses me and how he will never be able to replace me.  Part of me knows this is the madness that comes along with BPD or the likes of and part of me sits here so upset and feeling so betrayed. I ruminate over whether or not he says things like this just to screw with me or does he really feel that way or is all just lip service that he's comfortable saying now cuz he's having a good time and feeling confident from the attention of the new person? One moment he is telling me how I was the reason the engagement was so messed up and ended and then on the other he tells me that he misses me and that I'm irreplaceable.  This happens in a matter of hours from one sentiment to the other. 

I have said things to him out of anger in the past that I deeply regret because it's not truly what I think, feel or who I am as a person.  I realize this is the push and pull thing that goes on but still I sit here wondering if he really ever did love me, if this was all just a big act for him so that he could walk away saying that he "got engaged" as he has never lived with anyone or been in a committed relationship with anyone for any significant amount of time until me and even then there was so much infidelity and lying and such... .  he's 40.  I have also heard others say that we see things much differently than our BPD partner so I am looking for someone to shed some light on this because I'm drowning in thought over this.

What is so clear to me seems to be so elusive to him. I moved mountains trying to make him happy and yet he sits there and declares that it was all my fault for this being f***ed up.  He cries about how I was such an awful fiancee and he gave me everything and I gave him nothing.  In my estimation, i gave everything he wanted and more and that I wanted to give to him because I loved him but when it was delivered he simply pushed it away and wouldn't accept it because he was too angry about something else and proceed to complain how he has gotten nothing from me.  I'm so confused... .  can anyone shed some light?

[Melrosechicago]

I'm just over a month out of a broken engagement with a BPD man. He broke the engagement.  We were together off and on for 3.5 years and that was extremely chaotic but last October he came back to me saying all the right things and acting unlike he had in the past so I went back to him. When we did get back together he knew about some people I had become friends with and a date I went on and was extremely upset over it all. I was of the opinion that it was none of his business as we were not together and he was also out doing his own thing. Regardless, he proceeded to ask me to marry him about a month after he knew about the single activities. It was less than 10 days after we got engaged that it all came up again and started to fall apart .  Anger he had about things that happened while we were broken up before, carrying that forward and demanding I do something to make up for it etc... .  All my attempts (which I shouldn't have done anyway) were either not good enough, not soon enough, not enough in general- I could do no right by him.  He would find fault in everything I did and then be angry about that therefore cancelling plans or things we could have been doing together and then being angry that we lost out on doing those things... .  I'm sure you all see where this is going until finally it was over. (Very short version) 

But since he broke the engagement he was immediately out "dating".  And although he is out there flopping around with new females he has stopped by 2x at 2-3am drunk and uninvited sneaking into my building and still sends me text messages teetering between how he hates me or about how much he misses me and how I was the love of his life etc... .  I don't know what to do with all this.  I struggle so much with whether or not he actually loved me or if it was all just some screwed up act for him.  For instance, the most recent was he was out on a date (he made references to it in the messages) and as he's on the date he is texting me about how much he misses me and how he will never be able to replace me.  Part of me knows this is the madness that comes along with BPD or the likes of and part of me sits here so upset and feeling so betrayed. I ruminate over whether or not he says things like this just to screw with me or does he really feel that way or is all just lip service that he's comfortable saying now cuz he's having a good time and feeling confident from the attention of the new person? One moment he is telling me how I was the reason the engagement was so messed up and ended and then on the other he tells me that he misses me and that I'm irreplaceable.  This happens in a matter of hours from one sentiment to the other. 

I have said things to him out of anger in the past that I deeply regret because it's not truly what I think, feel or who I am as a person.  I realize this is the push and pull thing that goes on but still I sit here wondering if he really ever did love me, if this was all just a big act for him so that he could walk away saying that he "got engaged" as he has never lived with anyone or been in a committed relationship with anyone for any significant amount of time until me and even then there was so much infidelity and lying and such... .  he's 40.  I have also heard others say that we see things much differently than our BPD partner so I am looking for someone to shed some light on this because I'm drowning in thought over this.

What is so clear to me seems to be so elusive to him. I moved mountains trying to make him happy and yet he sits there and declares that it was all my fault for this being f***ed up.  He cries about how I was such an awful fiancee and he gave me everything and I gave him nothing.  In my estimation, i gave everything he wanted and more and that I wanted to give to him because I loved him but when it was delivered he simply pushed it away and wouldn't accept it because he was too angry about something else and proceed to complain how he has gotten nothing from me.  I'm so confused... .  can anyone shed some light?

[marbleloser]

"I could do no right by him"

This is a common theme around here.We have to find within ourselves why we tried to "do right" for someone else,instead of for ourselves.

"But since he broke the engagement he was immediately out "dating"."

He has a void that needs filling.He can't be alone,because he doesn't have a stable sense of "self".He gets that from mirroring others.


"I don't know what to do with all this.  I struggle so much with whether or not he actually loved me or if it was all just some screwed up act for him."

You're experiencing being painted black to be painted white.There's no in-between for someone with BPD.It's all or nothing.

"I have said things to him out of anger in the past that I deeply regret because it's not truly what I think, feel or who I am as a person."

You're human.You have a right to your anger.You have a right to your sadness.You have a right to all of your feelings and emotions.There's nothing

wrong with any of those feelings.When pushed far enough,we all retaliate in one way or another.

"I moved mountains trying to make him happy and yet he sits there and declares that it was all my fault for this being f***ed up.  "

It's time to move those mountains for yourself,instead of him.You can't do enough for him.You can't control him.You CAN control your own happiness though.

BPD is an attachment disorder.The more intimate you get with someone with BPD,the further they pull away.It's not your fault.It's the way it is

and this all was set into motion at the beginning of the RS.You didn't see it,because it doesn't happen like this in a normal RS.You grow closer over

time and as you're more intimate.With BPD though,it's backwards.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Melrose.  I've been exactly where you are and I'm sorry you are hurting.

Yes, he did love you.  PwBPD experience extreme emotional lability and a push/pull mental dynamic, which in English means they have major mood swings.  No doubt you know this.  Their attachments are based on fantasy, not reality, and they are not capable of real love, which is a sustainable emotion.  But in the beginning, the idealization stage, you were seen as perfect in his fantasy, and yes, he did 'love' you then, because it meant that finally someone showed up that he could attach to and become whole.  That being a fantasy, when reality showed up and you turned out to be not perfect, fancy that, or that you just relaxed into the relationship, which is what people do when they're comfortable and things are moving forward, in his mind that meant you already left.  So then the abandonment terror shows up, they freak out and project it on you as rage.  Ugly disorder.

And a pwBPD needs to attach to someone to feel whole, so off he went to other women, although the push/pull with you was still in play.  A pwBPD fears abandonment most, and is shame based, so if you remove yourself from their life, you have abandoned them and may hate them, triggering the shame, so the desire to stay attached is strong.  PwBPD don't like to ever let go all the way, mine found me again on Facebook after 25 years (!), and off we went for another chaotic adventure, as much my fault as hers.

Anyway, you need to see if any of the above fits in your situation, but the whole thing is common around here, and the more you learn about BPD the more you might connect.  You mentioned you are confused, as I was when I got here, and learning about BPD will clear up a lot of things, and you will start to get your head around the disorder; they don't think like us.

I'm sorry you're hurting, and please stay around.