For those of us who were not properly mothered...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Well, it looks like we've survived another Mother's day... .  in all of its complexity where BPD is involved. I know personally how much pain this day can bring, so I was thinking, lets add a positive twist. I just finished reading a book called The Mom Factor by Cloud & Townsend. It explores the purpose of mothering in our lives, the negative effects of imperfect mothering, and how we as adults can achieve mothering and healing in those deficient places.  Some of these are the needs for safety, attachment, etc. So, that got me thinking... .  

For those of you with BPD mothers, how have you been well mothered in your life? Who have been mothers to you? How have you reached out and asked for those relationships, or did they just happen? What have you learned and what parts of you have been healed/fulfilled through these mothering relationships? What holds you back from entering into relationships where you might be mothered?

[Claire]

Well, it looks like we've survived another Mother's day... .  in all of its complexity where BPD is involved. I know personally how much pain this day can bring, so I was thinking, lets add a positive twist. I just finished reading a book called The Mom Factor by Cloud & Townsend. It explores the purpose of mothering in our lives, the negative effects of imperfect mothering, and how we as adults can achieve mothering and healing in those deficient places.  Some of these are the needs for safety, attachment, etc. So, that got me thinking... .  

For those of you with BPD mothers, how have you been well mothered in your life? Who have been mothers to you? How have you reached out and asked for those relationships, or did they just happen? What have you learned and what parts of you have been healed/fulfilled through these mothering relationships? What holds you back from entering into relationships where you might be mothered?

[skelly_bean]

Great questions! I have actually been very lucky to have a string of mother figures in my life that helped me through the tough times. This post reminds me of that.

For my highschool grad I couldn't afford a nice dress, so my friend's mother took me shopping to the Bay with her daughter. We found a clearance gown with the zipper ripped out that was about three sizes too big for me. I bought it for 32 dollars. My friend's mother offered to size it, sew in a new zipper, put in boning for me. At the end of the day it was so beautiful and it fit me perfectly.

And my OTHER friend's mother, a totally different mom from the other two - paid for me to get my hair done professionally at a salon. Talk about a village raising a child :D

I have been very frightened to ask for any kind of mothering. Most of the mothering I had by other people was kind of forced on me in the kindest way possible.

The closest to "true" mothering I have felt to date, was my best friend's mother insisting I stay over at her and her husband's place the night before my grandfather's funeral in my home town. She woke up at 6 am and ironed my dress for me, made me tea and toast and they drove me to the funeral and stood with me the whole time. Afterwards they took me for food, because I couldn't go to the wake because my abuser was there.

Her ironing my dress for me was one of the most touching moments of my life. It was such a simple gesture but it meant so much :'

What holds me back right now from being mothered is that it is such a scary feeling. When I feel like I am being taken care of in a motherly way I either panic and don't know what to do with myself or I just start to cry out of happiness haha. It's awkward either way!

Thanks for asking these questions, reminded me of a lot of beautiful memories!

[OnlyChild]

I agree with Skelly_Bean about not being to excited about asking for mothering.   I think we grew up mothering ourselves such that we have come to rely on ourselves, and in some way maybe prefer to mother ourselves because we can trust ourselves.    It's scary to seek out someone else to fill the mother-role/mothering need because of our experiences.

That being said, I had always fantasized as a child that my aunt & uncle would become my parents.   They were always fun to be around.  My aunt was a school teacher, so she always had fun ways to get things done, and though up fun things to do.  Not that my mom did not have artistic and creative skills.  My aunt just had a way about it that made me feel that she had nothing to gain, other than making sure us kids had a good time.

The other person in my life came much later.  My work mentor.   She guided me around in my new job such that I literally felt like I was cozily under her wing.  We became friends outside of work, and I was invited to her holiday parties and other social things.   She always has tasty treats and never lets my coffee cup get empty.   It's nice to be dotted over like this. 

Good thinking Claire:   To make us think of what we do have to be thankful for. 

[GeekyGirl]

For those of you with BPD mothers, how have you been well mothered in your life? Who have been mothers to you? How have you reached out and asked for those relationships, or did they just happen? What have you learned and what parts of you have been healed/fulfilled through these mothering relationships? What holds you back from entering into relationships where you might be mothered?

Those are good questions, Claire. Like the others, I've found some wonderful "foster mothers," who have taught me a lot.

One is my MIL, who is a gentle and kind woman--she's the kind of person who writes heartfelt letters (not the scary kind), and visits her elderly widowed neighbor several times a week. I've often admired her patience and kindness. Another is my yoga teacher, who teaches that you have to be kind to yourself and others and grateful for the gifts you have. She's been a very positive influence on me.

In both cases, I didn't ask for those relationships--they just happened. With my MIL, it was kind of obvious, as I married her son. Still, I saw very quickly that she's a compassionate and warm person, which made it easier to form a bond with her. With my yoga teacher, I just kept going to her classes and saw that many of her messages really resonated with me.

They both have taught me kindness and to not judge myself (or others) too harshly. They've demonstrated what it's like to feel real empathy for others. I've learned how to be a better person and a better mother from them. It's hard to not smile when I think of either of them. 

What holds me back is the fear of being rejected, much as my mother did when she gave me the silent treatment.

[Claire]

Thanks for sharing! I so enjoy reading about all your "mothers" and it really has lightened this day for me.  Isn't it amazing how much healing even small instances of mothering can have?

I guess I haven't answered my own questions yet!  I have had a few motherly figures in my life. One was a church small group leader when I was a freshman in high school. I remember we had a scrapbooking party / sleepover at her house and when she came and tucked us in for bed, I couldn't help but crying because I felt so safe and so loved.

A more recent example was a situation where I had had a very weird/wrong encounter with a strange man, and I literally burst into tears when I saw an older woman I know. She sat me down and hugged my head to her shoulder (just like they do in the movies, and I never knew if that actually happens or not, haha). It was a mother's comfort. This woman has also been a steady presence in my life for several years and she also has a difficult mother, so her willingness to listen to some of my family stuff which others wouldn't understand has been so refreshing.

From my mothering relationships, I've learned to relax. That there are safe people who it's okay to be vulnerable with. That I can be me, and they will accept me. That it's okay to cry.

I totally agree with all of you that it's really difficult to reach out and ask for mothering. A few of my reasons:

It's hard to believe that I'm worth being mothered.

I am afraid of how much I desire to be mothered

I'm afraid to overwhelm someone with my need for mothering

I'm afraid of disappointment when one person will probably not end up fulfilling all my mothering needs

I'm afraid to be vulnerable and admit that I'm still hurt and broken in places

I think that I don't deserve mothering because I never had it when I was young and really needed it, so why do I think I can have it now?

This list could go on.

But I'm so thankful that as I open myself up to safe "mothering" relationships, I am learning to conquer those fears and allow myself to feel safe and loved.

[leftbehind]

I wasn't mothered at all, and I've spent my dating life trying to get it from men, which tends to push them away.  I did have an ex boyfriend for 12 years.  It started when I was 23, and ended around 35.  He was the first good & consistent parenting I ever had.  I'll always be grateful to him.

[Cordelia]

What a great topic!  I really identify with these:

It's hard to believe that I'm worth being mothered.

I am afraid of how much I desire to be mothered

I'm afraid to overwhelm someone with my need for mothering

I'm afraid of disappointment when one person will probably not end up fulfilling all my mothering needs

I'm afraid to be vulnerable and admit that I'm still hurt and broken in places

I think that I don't deserve mothering because I never had it when I was young and really needed it, so why do I think I can have it now?

especially being afraid to overwhelm the person with my needs.  I think with my mom I came to believe that it was how much I needed her that drove her away.  So that now I try not to be too "needy" in relationships, which prevents me from being truly vulnerable and honest in a way that could actually take the relationship beyond the superficial.  I'm often afraid that older women especially are judging me and that I have to convince them that I'm worthy of their time and attention, so I try to put my best foot forward and impress them, which may end up backfiring and pushing them away. 

The fear of disappointment - and the reality of it - have also been interesting to experience.  Several of the mother figures in my life are not people that I agree with on everything or would have a ton in common with outside of our family relationship.  I always felt this was one of the major problems with my mom - that I just didn't understand her, she didn't understand me, so there could be no real love or closeness between us.  But with these other relationships I've found that even if they don't share or appreciate some of my interests, or even disagree with some deeply held beliefs of mine, they are still there for me when I need them, and still love me, and I can still go to them with my problems, even if there are topics where we just don't see eye to eye.  It made me realize that my mother's account that she just couldn't feel close to me because of x or y issue we disagreed on was not the whole story - the real story is she couldn't feel close to me at all, I think, because she's incapable of love due to her disease, it isn't because of any particular opinion I had or way of being she didn't understand.  Those things don't matter in a real family relationship built on unconditional love.

[Kasey_1991]

I had a similar experience to Skelly_girl. I only went to one high school dance because it was so "forbidden". My mother had major issues with spending money, especially on me. I wore a dress that I already had from years ago that was ill-fitted and probably inappropriate. My friend's mom paid for me to get my hair and nails done. My mother was not concerned with seeing me before the dance or taking pictures. She couldn't be bothered with milestone events in my life because they had nothing to do with her. She only focused on money and how much it would cost for me to go to the dance, slumber party, etc.

Thankfully my friend's mother was willing to pay for me. There were a few other friends whose mothers did nice things for me too. I feel like this helped me see that what I was experiencing at home wasn't normal and eventually helped me escape.

[skelly_bean]

I am afraid of how much I desire to be mothered

I'm afraid to overwhelm someone with my need for mothering

Claire, I identify with this list SO much! Especially these parts. It is amazing to hear someone else say it. I have discussed it with my therapist shyly. I think that when I feel close to being "mothered" such a huge rush of desire to be loved overwhelms me and I feel bad or weird for feeling it so intensely.

I am so used to "not needing" mothering. I had really convinced myself that mothering was excess to what a person needs, and even I have looked down on people for being so reliant on their mothers - I guess as a self-defense thing, to make ME seem luckier because I don't have that "crutch".

But it was always a lie I told myself. When I start to feel mothered there is a little girl in me crying out to be loved.

Cordelia,

I try not to be too "needy" in relationships, which prevents me from being truly vulnerable and honest in a way that could actually take the relationship beyond the superficial.  I'm often afraid that older women especially are judging me and that I have to convince them that I'm worthy of their time and attention, so I try to put my best foot forward and impress them, which may end up backfiring and pushing them away. 

This is my LIFE! I could have written this. Thank you so much for helping me feel less alone in these respects 

Kasey_1991, I feel like this helped me see that what I was experiencing at home wasn't normal and eventually helped me escape.

I really felt that someone taking me to get my hair done was way above and beyond the call of duty for a parent. It seemed insanely nice. I don't want to think about all the kids who get doted on like this all the time. The positive, you're right, is that we get to know the things we were missing and seek them out in our lives.

[Claire]

I think that when I feel close to being "mothered" such a huge rush of desire to be loved overwhelms me and I feel bad or weird for feeling it so intensely.

Yes! I feel this way EXACTLY! Like you, I'm so glad to know I'm not alone! It is so overwhelming. And then the whole "I don't deserve this... .  I'm an adult now, what is my problem... .  " starts.  I feel this way about fathers as well, and I actually left a job once because I started feeling the desire for my boss to be my father! I was so afraid it was going to mess up my professional relationship. I definitely am now more wary of getting into professional situations where my superiors are mom/dad age, not only because sometimes I will project my parents characteristics on them, but also the potential to end up with these intense feelings of needing them to be my mom or dad.  Sheesh.

Just out of curiosity, what was your T's response when you mentioned this? I would love to talk with my T about this, but since my most recent example is my boss, and she knows my boss well, that might be kind of awkward... .  

I try not to be too "needy" in relationships, which prevents me from being truly vulnerable and honest in a way that could actually take the relationship beyond the superficial.  I'm often afraid that older women especially are judging me and that I have to convince them that I'm worthy of their time and attention, so I try to put my best foot forward and impress them, which may end up backfiring and pushing them away. 

Cordelia, YES YES YES! I totally identify with this. "Vulnerable" is my word for this year - as in I'm trying to be vulnerable and allow others to be vulnerable in relationships. It's so scary! But it's also amazing when we can bring ourselves to be open and vulnerable and it doesn't end up backfiring or pushing the other person away.

[skelly_bean]

Claire,

I have felt myself trying to create parental figures out of the people around me too . I've had to resist a lot with my therapist. I initially really wanted her to "mom" me, but we have settled in a nurturing friendship style relationship which is much healthier I think.

Just out of curiosity, what was your T's response when you mentioned this? I would love to talk with my T about this, but since my most recent example is my boss, and she knows my boss well, that might be kind of awkward... .  

She said that that desire seemed really natural. Children need mothering and attention like they need food and oxygen. If they don't get it when they are younger, then that need lingers with us. We continue to seek it out.

She is an experiential therapist, so she asked me to speak from that age where I felt I most needed love and attention. It was very intense... .

Basically I think that until we can reassure that inner child that they are safe and taken care of, we continue to seek mother figures outside of ourselves. I think talking about the need and also treating myself with compassion and patience has really diminished my need for a mother figure.

[Cordelia]

Basically I think that until we can reassure that inner child that they are safe and taken care of, we continue to seek mother figures outside of ourselves. I think talking about the need and also treating myself with compassion and patience has really diminished my need for a mother figure.

Yeah this is key I think.  Because the whole role of the mother in early life is not to be a figure that is eternally validating and supportive and reassuring... .  no human being can be that for another after all.  Even good mothers are real people with bad days and challenges and are not always able to be available, even when they do their very best to be there for their children as much as they can.  And of course, being human, they eventually die.  The point is to teach the child how to reassure themselves, how to soothe themselves, how to get past moments of despair and frustration and pain and develop inner resilience that will be there for a lifetime, even after the mother is gone.  And children learn by example, so seeing how they are reassured, they see how they in turn can be the one who is reassuring.  To themselves, or someday to their own children. 

I think not having that model come from one person, I've picked up bits and pieces from all the people in my life who were motherly to me in some way.  From one person I might learn how to take care of myself when I'm sick, from another how to turn inchoate painful feelings into coherent thoughts I can articulate.  Or the most difficult lesson of all for me - how to be patient and wait when I feel badly about something, knowing that eventually this feeling will pass and I'll feel better.  All the mother figures in my life, although they can't replace my mother, have brought me something that's helpful, that's become part of my own array of responses that I can choose from to handle difficult situations.