Breakthrough in self acceptance?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I was thinking a lot about my mother before mother's day. I have always hated the things about me that are like her.

I spent so much of my life trying to work against the things that come naturally to me because I labeled them as 'hers'. My artistic talent I saw as useless and frustrating because she makes a lot of art and I didn't want to follow in her footsteps. I have a good voice, but have never bothered singing because she sings. I love to dance, but it's only as I get older that I start to feel really comfortable doing it - because she was a dancer.

But the more I explore those things, the more I realize that they are gifts that I inherited. I turned all these important and fulfilling things in my life into 'danger zones' because I was so afraid of turning into my mother.

My fear kept me from exploring the things I actually really love. Breaking away from that grip of fearfulness has re-opened up so much of my life that I just cut out.

I guess what I like about this realization is that I felt imprisoned by my mother and her life, but in a way I was the one imprisoning myself in this cage of fear and limiting myself. In reality she limits nothing except my relationship with her.

[skelly_bean]

I was thinking a lot about my mother before mother's day. I have always hated the things about me that are like her.

I spent so much of my life trying to work against the things that come naturally to me because I labeled them as 'hers'. My artistic talent I saw as useless and frustrating because she makes a lot of art and I didn't want to follow in her footsteps. I have a good voice, but have never bothered singing because she sings. I love to dance, but it's only as I get older that I start to feel really comfortable doing it - because she was a dancer.

But the more I explore those things, the more I realize that they are gifts that I inherited. I turned all these important and fulfilling things in my life into 'danger zones' because I was so afraid of turning into my mother.

My fear kept me from exploring the things I actually really love. Breaking away from that grip of fearfulness has re-opened up so much of my life that I just cut out.

I guess what I like about this realization is that I felt imprisoned by my mother and her life, but in a way I was the one imprisoning myself in this cage of fear and limiting myself. In reality she limits nothing except my relationship with her.

[XL]

In reality she limits nothing except my relationship with her.

I've been trying to come around to this too.

[OnlyChild]

I've been wanting to share this poem on this board mostly because it inspired me and made me feel free.  Your topic seems to lend for the opportunity:

She let go.

Without a thought or a word, she let go. She let go of the fear.

She let go of the judgments.

She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.

She let go of the committee of indecision within her.

She let go of all the 'right' reasons.

Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn't ask anyone for advice.

She didn't read a book on how to let go.

She didn't search the scriptures.

She just let go.

She let go of all the memories that held her back.

She let go of all the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.

She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn't promise to let go.

She didn't journal about it.

She didn't write the projected date in her Day-Timer.

She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.

She didn't check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.

She just let go.

She didn't analyze whether she should let go.

She didn't call her friends to discuss the matter.

She didn't do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.

She didn't call the prayer line.

She didn't utter one word.

She just let go.

No one was around when it happened.

There was no applause or congratulations.

No one thanked her or praised her.

No one noticed a thing.

Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle.

It wasn't good and it wasn't bad.

It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be.

A small smile came over her face.

A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore... .

♥~ Reverend Safire Rose

[Clearmind]

Skelly, I see where you are coming from. If there is one thing that was an eye opener for me was just how much we were an extension of our BPD parents. When we come to a realization of their illness we feverishly reject values, hobbies, likes and dislikes to provide distance. By pushing these “things” away like talents it’s possible we are attempting to regain some grounding and personal space.

Embrace your talents – they are not anyone’s but yours. Mom may have shaped you as a child – she knew no different and as a child you did what Mommy told you!

It must be great to learn that your own fear has held you back. “In reality she limits nothing except my relationship with her” – yes and you get to choose this.

You are an adult with adult privileges – you get to decide.

[Claire]

My fear kept me from exploring the things I actually really love. Breaking away from that grip of fearfulness has re-opened up so much of my life that I just cut out.

Oh skelly_bean, your realization makes me smile. I can just feel the freedom in your words. Great work in discovering who YOU really are. It was an important part of my journey to realize that no matter how many traits/interests I shared with my mom, I wasn't her. And following those interests will not make me into her, but more into ME!

And OnlyChild, LOVE IT! Thanks for sharing! Poetry and writing in general have been great releases for me for all of the thoughts and emotions about BPD. I wonder if there is already a poetry thread... .  otherwise that might be something neat to start!

[Cordelia]

My fear kept me from exploring the things I actually really love. Breaking away from that grip of fearfulness has re-opened up so much of my life that I just cut out.

I guess what I like about this realization is that I felt imprisoned by my mother and her life, but in a way I was the one imprisoning myself in this cage of fear and limiting myself. In reality she limits nothing except my relationship with her.

That's wonderful!   

I've felt the same way in that I've avoided the realm of emotion, family, and the traditionally feminine as my mother saw it.  I felt that was HER domain, and as such it was sick and twisted and I didn't want to participate in it.  I was drawn to more masculine pursuits, based on competition and the intellect, since they seemed cleaner and easier to understand.  But you're so right that our BPD parents are not gods with powers over certain spheres of life, and they don't determine what those experiences will be like for us.  Our music, art, and family life will reflect US, our identity and values, not theirs.  There will of course be connections and echoes if you're looking for them, because their example is part of our history, but our lives and our self-expression is fundamentally our own. 

Beautiful post, thank you!   

[cleotokos]

What a great poem, Onlychild, I really enjoyed that. Thanks for sharing!

[skelly_bean]

Thank you everyone for the kind words !

XL, I have been toeing the waters of sharing hobbies and interests with my mother for a long time. It's only now that I feel comfortable really embracing them - after humming and ha'ing about them for years and years. Maybe try challenging yourself to do something you like that your mother likes doing as well, and observe how you experience it - trying not to focus on how your mother would experience it, just enjoy it! 

OnlyChild, thank you for sharing your poem. Poetry has played a large role in my life, helping me to express distilled versions what is too difficult to describe in a longer more descriptive text. This seems like a very important poem in your life, I feel lucky that you posted in my thread!

Clearmind, I can't get enough of hearing things like "You are an adult with adult privileges – you get to decide. " I literally get giddy thinking about the freedoms that I have that I never believed I did.

Claire, " And following those interests will not make me into her, but more into ME!" It actually feels like a leap of faith to believe this... .  I just have to believe that if I continue to do therapy, vent, write and work on self-improvement I won't turn into her - and I can enjoy all the things I love too. I'm glad you have really accepted this in your life

Cordelia, it's so true that "Our music, art, and family life will reflect US, our identity and values, not theirs." because even though I share an interest in the same hobbies, my mother and I share such different values. I think my art expresses mine, and her art expresses hers. This is such a comforting thought! Thank you!