What I hate about me

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

  I have been thinking lately about all of my broken hearts of the past. I hd about 6 tough ones and the last was by far the worst. I was trying to figure out what they all had in common (besides me) with one another. All I could think of was that they were all involved with someone when we met. They all cheated on their boyfriends with me. Eventually, they all cheated on me and I was left with a broken heart (karma for me... .  I deserved it). I seem to fall for the cheaters.

  I use to think that I was afraid to commit so I would find unavailable women so I wouldn't have to commit. A "cake eater". But, I always enjoyed being in the relationship and I had no trouble staying faithful. Most lasted 3 years or more and my marriage lasted 15 (10 faithfully on both sides). So commitment was not my issue.

  My wife of 15 years cheated on me and left for another man. I have been crushed. However, I feel that I fully deservied it, if I believe in Karma (which I do). You see, my ex was the girlfriend of my good friend and I slept with her while they were together. I was seduced but a willing participant. I waited for 4-5 years for them to be officially over before I sought her out. I thought I could fool Karma.

  So... .  Back to what all those girls who broke my heart have in common. It IS me. The one thing I say I despise the most is a cheater. I don't understand why they do that and I think they are of poor character. Cheaters hurt people, lie, sneak... .  just bad stuff comes with cheating. I have been so angry with my ex because she cheated. How could she?

  For all this time I have been hating myself. I hate that I slept with some ones girlfriend. I hate that I helped lie, sneak and decieved friends. What I hate about cheaters is what I really hate about myself. How could I be the very person I say I despise?

  Yeah... .  my ex is a miserable person for cheating on me and leaving the family. But I am no better... .  I cheated WITH her first. Now I have to figure out why I am attracted to the cheaters?


PS... .  where is the spell checker?

[hellnback]

  I have been thinking lately about all of my broken hearts of the past. I hd about 6 tough ones and the last was by far the worst. I was trying to figure out what they all had in common (besides me) with one another. All I could think of was that they were all involved with someone when we met. They all cheated on their boyfriends with me. Eventually, they all cheated on me and I was left with a broken heart (karma for me... .  I deserved it). I seem to fall for the cheaters.

  I use to think that I was afraid to commit so I would find unavailable women so I wouldn't have to commit. A "cake eater". But, I always enjoyed being in the relationship and I had no trouble staying faithful. Most lasted 3 years or more and my marriage lasted 15 (10 faithfully on both sides). So commitment was not my issue.

  My wife of 15 years cheated on me and left for another man. I have been crushed. However, I feel that I fully deservied it, if I believe in Karma (which I do). You see, my ex was the girlfriend of my good friend and I slept with her while they were together. I was seduced but a willing participant. I waited for 4-5 years for them to be officially over before I sought her out. I thought I could fool Karma.

  So... .  Back to what all those girls who broke my heart have in common. It IS me. The one thing I say I despise the most is a cheater. I don't understand why they do that and I think they are of poor character. Cheaters hurt people, lie, sneak... .  just bad stuff comes with cheating. I have been so angry with my ex because she cheated. How could she?

  For all this time I have been hating myself. I hate that I slept with some ones girlfriend. I hate that I helped lie, sneak and decieved friends. What I hate about cheaters is what I really hate about myself. How could I be the very person I say I despise?

  Yeah... .  my ex is a miserable person for cheating on me and leaving the family. But I am no better... .  I cheated WITH her first. Now I have to figure out why I am attracted to the cheaters?


PS... .  where is the spell checker?

[Phoenix.Rising]

I think often the defects I see in others that bother me are really a reflection of something similar in myself that I do not like and do not want to look at.  It sounds like you are getting honest with yourself.  That is good, and I believe a start at moving in the direction towards a relationship that is healthier for you. 

I would encourage you to forgive yourself, as you are not perfect.  For me, the key is to actually learn what I can change within myself to achieve a different, albeit better, outcome.  Otherwise, I am likely to repeat the same pattern over and over. 

Maybe a good place to start is to implement a boundary of not becoming intimate with someone who is currently involved with a partner?  My exBPD's divorce was not final when we started seeing each other, so she was still technically married, although separated.  This was a red flag to me, but I pursued it none the less.  Not the best idea on my part, but I believe it was necessary that I had the experience with her that I did.  Take care.

[P.F.Change]

  For all this time I have been hating myself. I hate that I slept with some ones girlfriend. I hate that I helped lie, sneak and decieved friends. What I hate about cheaters is what I really hate about myself. How could I be the very person I say I despise?

It is a good sign that you are able to recognize you have been projecting. This is a very common defense mechanism. It is much easier to find fault with others than to admit our own shortcomings. But now that you are willing to look inward, you have the opportunity to improve that aspect of yourself.

Now I have to figure out why I am attracted to the cheaters?

Great question. When you got involved with women who were in relationships, did you already feel that is what you deserved? Was this a way to punish yourself? Or, conversely, maybe they boosted your sense of heroism and attractiveness because they chose you over someone else. You will know better than we do how to answer this question.

When you say you believe in karma, do you mean it is part of your religious belief (Hinduism, Buddhism, etc., where it is part of reincarnation), or do you mean it in a metaphorical "What goes around comes around," sense?

PF

[Maryiscontrary]

You are with some of the finest people you'll meet on this particular board. It probably was that you didn't want the commitment, which is technically fine, in among itself. Just don't get involved with people who are married, unless everybody is on board.

Now I did start seeing people before I was divorced, but I was separated, trying to get divorced (he evaded service) ASAP, and I was completely NC, and was 1400 miles away. I was on the divorce attorneys back at least once a week pushing things along. I didn't really want a relationship, I just wanted to get laid with a polite FWB arrangement.


its gonna be OK, you hear? It's gonna be alright.

[hellnback]

" Great question. When you got involved with women who were in relationships, did you already feel that is what you deserved? Was this a way to punish yourself? Or, conversely, maybe they boosted your sense of heroism and attractiveness because they chose you over someone else. You will know better than we do how to answer this question."

To honestly answer this question, I'd have to admit that I did get a big ego boost from dating women in relationships (never married). It made me feel that those women thought I was the better choice. I would soon learn in each relationship that I was nothing special. I got cheated on just like the guys before me. Looking back, I alway expected them to cheat on me. But I still got hurt.

Karma for me is not a religion. I do believe that what goes around comes around. If you do bad things, bad things will happen.

I know I was fooling myself with my ex wife. I knew her for years before we married. I knew she was not faithful to anyone. Also, even though I did wait a good while before her relationship ended with my friend, I was still wrong

There is one thing I am proud of, I was always faithful to them.

Maybe I was punishing myself. I always had a gut feeling that what I was doing was wrong.

I am implimenting a new boundry right now before this board. No more unavailable women for me. I won't punish myself anymore. If you do good things, good things should happen... .  

[fromheeltoheal]

I've never pursued a relationship with someone who is in one already, partly because I didn't want the confrontation with 'him', but also my experience has been that if she cheats on him with me, she's going to cheat on me with someone else.  I don't consider that karma, I considerate it how some people view commitment.  I had a comfortable friendship once with a woman who was married to a friend, and it was comfortable for me mostly because I considered her 'safe', in that there wasn't the tension of two single people testing the waters of a potential relationship and succumbing to sexual tension eventually, that just wasn't an option for me.  She wanted to pursue something after a while, turns out, but I said she needed to end her current relationship first, partly because to me that was the right thing to do, and partly because I didn't want to date a cheater.  And so she ended her marriage, and once all was said and done, she wasn't interested in me anymore.  At least I kept my friendship with her ex.

[Phoenix.Rising]

I'd have to admit that I did get a big ego boost from dating women in relationships (never married). It made me feel that those women thought I was the better choice. I would soon learn in each relationship that I was nothing special.

I appreciate your honesty.  It's difficult to be that honest.  I've had similar feelings on more than one occasion... . like I was the 'better man'.  But I agree with you, with my exBPDgf she would constantly berate her ex husband, so I often felt like the 'good guy' or the hero, but I really knew deep down that I was probably not all that different from him.  I met the guy, and he seemed like a good guy to me.  That was her coping mechanism.  I'm sure she has probably destroyed me to some of her new friends.   

[fromheeltoheal]

It made me feel that those women thought I was the better choice. I would soon learn in each relationship that I was nothing special. I got cheated on just like the guys before me. Looking back, I alway expected them to cheat on me. But I still got hurt.

This reminded me of my r/s with my BPD ex.  She's been married and divorced twice, and she volunteered that she's been with 60 men, so me, being lonely, susceptible and naive at the time, fell for her idealization in a big way, thought she was my soul mate, and felt like a stud and a hero, since heck, she'd been through all of those relationship experiences, and she picked ME!  Finally, after all these years, someone with a lot of experience is choosing me!  Major ego boost, albeit deluded.

I didn't learn until I got here that freely offering her list of previous lovers, complete with graphic detail, even when I hadn't asked and told her I didn't want to hear it, was one of the ways she kept me on edge in her quest for total control.  And silly me, the fact that she's been with all those men means she's had a boatload of relationships END, and knowing her the way I do now, no wonder.  She told me that as her three previous relationships were ending, the three boyfriends did 'heinous' things to her, her word, and she had no idea why.  Well we do.  I understand that undiagnosed BPD gets worse with age, and I got the 2012 version, so I guess I should be satisfied that I avoided heinous and just left.  Sad when I think about the hell she lives in, and it's not her fault, but I can't fix it.

Got a bunch of growing up to do.  Thanks BPD.