Did NC help you clear your head and stay away for good?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I'm not sure where to post this, but when a non goes back and forth every few days from knowing he/she has to leave because things won't get better to being really confused and not knowing whether or not to give it another chance, did NC help you clear your head and stay away for good?  Did it have the opposite effect and make you miss your exBPD so badly that you ended up going back?

[ZhaoZilong5]

I'm not sure where to post this, but when a non goes back and forth every few days from knowing he/she has to leave because things won't get better to being really confused and not knowing whether or not to give it another chance, did NC help you clear your head and stay away for good?  Did it have the opposite effect and make you miss your exBPD so badly that you ended up going back?

[MontyD]

Hi ZhaoZilong5

I was re-cycled many times, ranged from 2 days to 6 weeks. One time I was back for 2 days then kicked out on the 3rd Day.

This last time, I had enough, I broke it off with the demand, either get fixed or I won't be back. She is in therapy.  I know this is an almost impossible demand.

So I'm down the track almost 70 days, 10 weeks. It has been hard. I read a post on these boards that at the 80 day mark you could become very week, but at the 90 / 100 day mark, things change, and the thoughts of our ex's start to fade.  I hope they are right !

It is tough going N/C, but it is the only way out.

Monty

[Iced]

Recycling attempts were made before, but no, I never let myself get pulled back in.

I did, once, of my own free will, do a 'let's try this again', but that ended in a final No Contact.

That said, being that in all cases, I have initiated No Contact to protect myself (receiving end of continual verbal abuse, being unable to healthily stand my ground in regards to my boundaries, etc), No Contact made sense and so it really did help me to step back, take a deep breath, and see everything for what it really was without as much of the intensity and drama.

[ZhaoZilong5]

If the exBPD has split the non black in order to "not be able to go back," and they act rather numb when hanging out, are they likely to attempt to recycle in the future?

[Iced]

I think that rather depends on the pwBPD and how they handle and react to things so it is hard to say.

My last encounter with a pwBPD was a former close friend of mine and though they acted with immense hatred and malice towards me during the Extinction Burst phase (I had gone from perfect to monstrous, so they had done the splitting and painting black)... .  they also attempted many many times to Recycle (and renew the Karpman Triangle of conflict at the same time in the earliest attempts when they were still in contact with a mutual friend).

Logically to me, showing hatred or no interest at all = I would never deal with that person again, but my former friend tried and tried and tried to Recycle me back into their life again.

To my understanding, the 'recycling' tends to happen when the pwBPD or with BPD traits gets their abandonment issues triggered - either with whoever they are with next following their previous relationship or simply because of some triggering situation like death in the family.

They react emotionally to the trigger, feel like a Victim, and then look for a Rescuer to satisfy the desire to be 'Rescued' from the hurt and from being a Victim.

Since someone (like you or me) once Rescued them before, why not go back to them to see if they will Rescue again?

It is a common enough occurrence and re-occurrence in relationships where a partner has BPD, but not all persons with BPD will Recycle a previous Significant Other/Rescuer, either.

[ZhaoZilong5]

Is it possible that pwBPDs are able to give up recycling and move on after attempting to recycle for a month, or is it just a temporary break in their patterns?

[Iced]

... .  Despite the fact that I said that 'not all pwBPDs will Recycle'... .  

In all honesty and not trying to be negative here, it is of my sincere opinion (based from observations of my own experiences and the experiences of others) that Recycling tends to be a more of a ':)o' behavior than a ':)o not' behavior for persons struggling with BPD and who do not have professional help to help them deal with the BPD.

The reason I say this is because without professional help, a pwBPD is much more liable to continue struggling with their disorder.

Triggers being triggered will set off emotional-based disordered thinking, feeling, and/or acting... .  and this will continue until the pwBPD gains the capacity to overcome the push-button hair trigger emotional-based disordered thinking, feeling, and/or acting.

It IS possible for a pwBPD to 'give up' recycling after a month, but it is quite possibly more likely than not that they will try, quit, try again etc.

My own former friend - even after 5+ years - has been trying to Recycle.

EDIT:  There is NO firm 'rule' as to the behavioral patterns of people, only just that - likely patterns.  I would suggest that a professional - a counselor, therapist, psychiatrist, etc - would be better able to explain possible 'what ifs' that are more tailored to a person's unique and individual situation. 

[WillSurvive420]

zhao, it really depends on the situation and the person... .  Ive gone NC with my exgf w BPD for 16 days now... .  she painted me black, and we saw each other after and had sex but she seemed to be dissociating... .  but now im getting signs that she wants me back in her life... .  but who knows with these people... .  they dont even know whats going on in their own head most of the time, so how can we?

[feelingcrazy7832]

Wow I've never heard the 80 day thing. Interesting. The longest I had gone in three years with no contact with my exBPD was last summer to fall and it was about 80 days when I made the horrible mistake of reaching out to him to see how he was doing. It led into 5 months of worse raging, push-pull, lying, manipulating, silent treatments, etc than ever before. I'll rememeber this 80 day rule for sure this time!

[MontyD]

I'm pretty sure I read it amongst "2010's" Posts.

2010's posts are well worth a read, she has a great clinical insight of BPD and answers lots of questions that elude us all. Answers about BPD and us nons.

There are over 700 posts and I'm about half through.

Everyone here should get over there and have a read, here is the link :

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=profile;u=38193;sa=showPosts;start=0

Monty

[VeryFree]

80 day-rule?

I know the 80 seconds-rule: within 80 seconds after breaking NC I regret I did. 

[jj2121]

Hi ZhaoZilong5

I was re-cycled many times, ranged from 2 days to 6 weeks. One time I was back for 2 days then kicked out on the 3rd Day.

This last time, I had enough, I broke it off with the demand, either get fixed or I won't be back. She is in therapy.  I know this is an almost impossible demand.

So I'm down the track almost 70 days, 10 weeks. It has been hard. I read a post on these boards that at the 80 day mark you could become very week, but at the 90 / 100 day mark, things change, and the thoughts of our ex's start to fade.  I hope they are right !

It is tough going N/C, but it is the only way out.

Monty

Seems to have worked for me now, I don't care about her anymore and want nothing more to do with her.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi ZhaoZilong,

As the above posts indicate, a BPD r/s involves a lot of back and forth, what you might call emotional yo-yo-ing.  In the thick of a BPD r/s it's extremely hard to see the forest from the trees, I realize, yet somehow it might help to consider whether you really want a relationship that resembles an endless ping-pong game?  My experience is that things don't change that much and often can get much worse over time, believe me, much worse.

Hang in there, LJ

[charred]

I would read the lesson's part of the leaving board... . in particular the "10 beliefs that can get you stuck"... . each time I started thinking I couldn't live without my exBPDgf, and should be with her... .  there was some wrong belief I was clinging to... .  like love would prevail, or that she or I saw the light and it would all work this time... . but after 8 recycles... . which was horrible to not only her and me, but our families, and my daughter in particular (who saw me leaving her mother to be with this homewrecker person she couldn't stand... .  )... .  it finally became clear that the intensity was from intense issues not love... .  and NC may help to clear your head, not sure it stays clear... . but regaining your rationality seems to help you stay away.

The clearest rationality booster for me... .  objectively putting down on paper how much time was; 1) fantastic 2.) Normal for a relationship 3.) Bad or Terrible

And I mean time... .  for me I spent 4 yrs actually with my BPDgf ... . but it was spread of 5 yrs of time, and there was a 27 yr gap between the first 18 months and the rest of it.

So I had about 12 mos of great time (first go round) then about 4 mos of great the 2nd time (though I was having horrible times in general as I was getting a divorce due to my exBPDgf largely)... . and between the first and second go round with her I had about 4 mos of "Normal" relating. The rest, was a new level of hell for Dante.

So;

16 months great

4 months   normal

28 months  hell

however... . I think great times from 27 yrs ago don't count much anymore... . so if I take that out;

4 months great

4 months normal

28 months hell

That is a pretty bad ratio of good to bad.

Worse yet... . we recycled many times... . each time the good was much shorter than the time before, the bad started sooner and the bad climbed to a new more horrible level of bad.

My family (exwife/daughter)... . are now afraid of my exBPDgf... . as they fear she is deranged, based on her actions (showing up uninvited 250 miles from her home, to seduce me on thanksgiving/xmas... . )... . as well as her contacting and trying to meet/confront my exwife.

So I try to picture my exBPDgf in full on hater mode, keeping in mind she is emotionally a 3 yr old at best, seeing the attraction as some sick transference from a mom figure... . and if that still doesn't get it, drawing parallels between her actions and Jodi Arias's actions, as she did many, many of the same things... . and that is always enough to keep me NC.  Its been a year since we dated, and 6 months since any contact by me.

Wish this were easier for everyone... . it sucks when you figure out your dream person is a nightmare.

[jj2121]

I was always told to challenge the good thoughts with the bad by my therapist. It worked eventually, it has not been easy though. I am just glad it did not last longer like some of the other people on here, i can't imagine how hard that would be.

I feel quite sorry for the ex boyfriend of my ex who has a kid with her.

[xenia]

I'm pretty sure I read it amongst "2010's" Posts.

2010's posts are well worth a read, she has a great clinical insight of BPD and answers lots of questions that elude us all. Answers about BPD and us nons.

There are over 700 posts and I'm about half through.

Everyone here should get over there and have a read, here is the link :

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=profile;u=38193;sa=showPosts;start=0

Monty

Hello everyone,

I'm new here and have been lurking for quite some time. Trying to move on from a friendship with a person who has a lot of BPD traits. I hear a lot about 2010's posts, but I'm currently unable to view his/her profile. Has there ever been a thread with a list of his/her posts? I'd really love to read this person's views.

[MontyD]

I hear a lot about 2010's posts, but I'm currently unable to view his/her profile.

You have to be logged in to this site.  Then just click on the link. You will then go directly to "2010's" posts.

There are nearly 800, so it takes a while to get through them. About 38 pages.

I've just tested the link and it works OK.

Monty

[xenia]

Hi Monty,

I'm logged in. I get the same message when I'm active on the forum. I'm assuming it's because I don't have enough posts. Thank you for trying to help.

[MontyD]

What message do you get ?

[xenia]

What message do you get ?

An Error Has Occurred!

Many apologies, but you can't view just any profile.

[pari]

@charred: Completely agree with your description of r/s with BPD. My experience resonates with you. Even after finding out BPD trails, I chose to be recycled countless times because I thought I loved him but in reality I was  addicted to him.

10 days ago, I decided to end it. Have not seen him since then. He called me few days back to find out how I was doing and if I could see catch up for dinner. I didn't promise anything. He wants to be friends because he says I am very special for him (right, that's why I was subjected to emotional abuse). It's definitely not easy because we were so attached and would spend all the time together. I try to engage myself in activities and people, so I don't end up thinking about him.

I was so tempted to call him last night but resisted it. Opened the forum instead and it helped. NC does help in getting mind off him and see things more clearly.

Be stronger ZhaoZilong5 and I will try the same. 

[charred]

Being friends has come up as a topic many times. My exBPDgf said she wanted to be friends... . but she didn't really... . she wasn't ready to quit pestering me to just give total acceptance to whatever she said/wanted. I agreed to just be friends... . and she wanted hand holding and comfort while she had laser surgery for an STD she got from the guy she rebounded with... .  never known anyone with the nerve she had. To not show up to move in with someone, take up with another guy... . tell the first guy you want to be friends and then get support ... .  we were very serious at one time... .  anyway I kept it "just friends"... . she wanted to meet for lunch at a nice place by a mall... . told her I had a better idea and we went in the mall to the food court and I kept it so non-romantic ... .  she was frustrated and then ranted that she wasn't just going to be there for me for nothing... .  I was either with her or we were done. (Projection... .  given that I was the one being there for her, for nothing.)... . she still puts post on FB that make it sound like she misses me, blames me, hates me, and wants me back... .  man I am glad to be out of that r/s.

[pari]

As the days in NC are passing, I am tempted to re-connect, to find out how he is doing.

After I told him that I want to go NC, he has not bothered me. Infact he has never bothered me that way every. Has always been very respectful of my decisions and what I wanted. I know he is in pain (like me) but he is not shouting about it to respect me. I have got huge respect for that.

@charred: That story sounds tough. Listening to experiences here helps me make my decisions to move on. Hope you are feeling better.

[MontyD]

Hi Guys,

For those of you, almost all of us, who are in some way wanting to reconnect with our ex's.

I wanted to know why I had this, at times, an overwelming compulsion to go back.

I spent time researching this and it is not unkown.

This research led me to "Trauma Bonding" and the "Stockholm Syndrome".

I suggest to all of you that have this compulsion to "return" is to go and Google the above.

Understanding ourselves is also a way to release ourselves from the abusive relationship we had.

Monty

[bpdlover]

I was online a lot of the time 2010 posted. They are worth a read. I haven't been back for a while because it has gotten easier. This site was a great help to me. Three years later there is no emotional attachment but I still have moments where I shake my head and wonder why it all happened. It is always hard to make sense where there is no sense at all. She just got married and I feel for the guy. I am praying she has turned the corner and that he will be ok. Unfortunately, I don't think this will be the case. She has my child and has never made contact with me. She set me up to break up with a false police report and I had to simply walk. It was heartbreaking and so strange since I was very gentle with her and never got in her face. We were totally incompatible though. Yes, the trauma bond and stockholm syndrome are familiar terms to me.

[Clearmind]

I never went NC - each time I saw him, I processed it - found out what fantasy I was holding onto.

NC doesn't help you to detach - it helps you to forget until you bump into them and then you are triggered all over the place - I have seen it so many times here on the board.

[Chazz]

I went NC 3 weeks ago after she told me she had met someone online who she was planing to hook up with. Based on the new romantic interest, she painted me blacker than black, and handed me my walking papers. She text messaged me three days ago about some inanity, but I didn't respond though I was tempted to. There has been no contact since then.

We've had multiple recycles. Each time, it was after she had engaged and/or slept with someone else and had been dissatisfied for one reason or another. Initially, I choose to believe that it was because she realized that what we had together was good - or at least, better than what she was encountering. Now, I see that I was just a filler between trysts.

At the very end, she asked me to be her friend "with benefits" as she could not imagine "life without me". It was a humiliating request that hurt me deeply. I declined.

As I process this relationship, I'm realizing that she has been using me as her fall back person. It feels like what a teenager does as she begins to spread her wings and tentatively move out of the "nest", only to return again, when the fantasies don't match up with the realities. This, too, is humiliating as I was 100% committed to her from the start.

I have been trying to exercise "radical acceptance" this time. It's excruciating, but necessary. I cannot live in denial anymore, or would that be neurotic hopefulness? Either way, it's too painful.

I cannot believe that her living this way will ever truly work for her. I care enough for her to let her go to experience that inevitable outcome of her endless quest for the perfect provider of her narcissistic supply. I can't struggle to be that for her anymore. My enabling her, will only continue to harm us both.         

[Sleep doc]

NC for me was about me - I needed power back over my own life.  That's why it worked.  If I was doing it just to avoid that person it would be harder because I haven't reconciled any feelings.  I have reconciled feelings, I don't villify her anymore and despite her half hearted attempts at initiating a "friendship" I find myself with greater resolve every day.  It's not easy because the fill that hole in you that was left unfilled, loving you in places were you don't love yourself and have been trying desperately to just patchwork so you can live.   But going to NC is the only chance some of us have to be honest.  I remember she sent me an email a few weeks ago (I think I've been NC for two months now and because she deleted me from Facebook almost three months ago that part of it wasn't necessary - that would have been the hardest) stating that she had texted me and I had not responded (I changed all of my phone numbers... .  again... .  so frustrating) but that our friendship was worth more than one attempt.  She ended it by saying respond to me "nicely... .  please... .  " and all I could think was "what in the hell am I... . ME... .  going to get out of this?".  I have a lot of friends... .  this is a friend I do not need... .  at all.  And that's when I realized that NC was really taking.  I had zero desire to respond to the email.  Why? What was going to change?  Was she going to all of a sudden actually view me as a friend and care about my life?  Or was it going to be all about her and her fragile state as always?  I just didn't have the time to deal with this anymore because I am so re engaged in my life... .  that I genuinely don't have time. 

You have to do NC FOR YOU!  Don't do it for any other reason (avoidance, to get the upper hand, to test yourself) - do it because you value yourself more than anything else in this world and you will no longer WILLFULLY give power to someone who doesn't appreciate what your love truly is.  Then I GUARANTEE to you that it will work.  You will miss them for time to time, but it WILL work. 

Good luck and believe... .   

[Chazz]

Thank you, Sleep doc, for your post. It was helpful.

I agree, it is about having the power back over my life.