Well I botched things up last night... too much stress

[StayingWithHim]

Last night was a disaster! I don't even really know where to start.

My oldest (S14), has been having issues with his biodad (not my exH). Things came to a head and S made it clear that he does not wish to have contact with the man anymore (meth is involved on biodad's side... .  long story). He also announced that he wants my exH to adopt him. In the middle of all this is me and my exH, backing up my S and supporting his choices to free of a toxic situation with his biodad. Threats were made directed at me, and the police ended up involved. It was all very ugly.

During the whole ordeal my BPDbf was cleaning the kitchen! He was completely calm, never said a word, and just cleaned the kitchen like nothing was going on! After the police left and my ex went home with all 3 kids (our 2 Ds and my S) he came up to me and said that he was aggravated that other people were home all day and nobody helped me clean up the house!

I was totally gobsmacked! It was like he missed the entire explosion that had been taking place for over 4 hours right in front of him. I was standing in the living room still shaking and crying and stressed beyond all reason and that all he had to say? I went in the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed and just cried. He followed me and sat on the other side, but didn't try to touch me or say anything. Finally I just screamed at him that I was so tired of being lonely, and that when I really just need a hug he's emotionally unavailable, and I really don't care at the moment if the darned kitchen burns down!

That of course, was not the best idea in the world and I know that. He just got quiet and said that he was sorry, and that he doesn't know what to do when people are upset so he doesn't do anything. Then he started with the "I'm a terrible person/boyfriend/man" thing, spiraling down into an episode and I just put my hand on his chest and said ":)on't. Just don't. I can't deal with anymore from anybody tonight. Just go to bed and don't talk to me right now. I love you, but I just can't tonight." He went to sleep almost immediately and I sat up for hours.

Now this morning I know that I shouldn't have screamed at him like I did, and I shouldn't have said what I did in the room either. But, I get so stressed and sometimes I feel like I have to deal with everything on my own and it's just too much. Do other people ever feel that way too? What should I do when things get to be just too much and I just can't take one more thing?

Thanks for letting me vent. I know I'm new here and I just dumped a lot out, but I have to talk sometimes.

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[waverider]

First off you had a lot of stuff going on so stress levels are high

Second it is quite common for pwBPD to totally block serious dramas around them that dont involve them, support is not their strong point. It is often the case if they do get involved it invariably gets worse because it becomes about them.

Third we all drop the ball now and then, no matter how well we normally handle it. That is OK we are human, we are here because we are trying ,and can only do our best. He will get over it and you can pick up the pieces, and move on.

Occasionally I see that I am doing the wrong thing at the time and just let it happen without stopping it. That is because i am 24/7 carer and being on the ball all the time is too much pressure that creates resentment, so I do allow my self to 'clock off" duty. The world does not end. I do not feel bad about it as i know I am caring better than 99% of the general population does.

Even if you were to be 100% appropriate at all times it still would not always work, so cut yourself some breathing space. You dont have to be a martyr.

[StayingWithHim]

Thanks waverider.

He just called on his lunch break and we talked for a while. He said that he knows that I get stressed sometimes and it makes him feel bad because he doesn't know how to help, and so he cleaned the kitchen because he thought it would make me happy. I had to giggle a little because it reminds me of a small child, like a kid making mommy a peanut butter sandwich cause she's upset and that will make it all better.

He told me a little about when he was a kid. When his dad would be drunk and his parents would fight and he would just hide in his room and focus on his toys or go out in the yard and swing till it was over. Hide or block it out. When tension runs high that old instinct kicks in and he just automatically returns to that state like he's a little kid all over again, hiding from the storm till it passes. He also said that his mom would always go to the bedroom afterward and stay there alone for a long time. He never saw her cry. So, when I was crying he didn't know what to do. He said he was afraid that anything would be the wrong thing (trying to talk or hug me), so he did nothing.

I said that I understand why he reacted the way that he did, and I really do. I also apologized for blowing up like I did, and assured him that I do know that he is there for me as much as he can be and that he is trying very hard and doing a very job. I thanked him for cleaning the kitchen and said that it really was a big help but that last night I was too stressed with other things going on to fully appreciate the gesture.

We made plans to take the dogs for a walk this evening and have some "us" time.

[allibaba]

Whenever there is an emotional situation and my uBPDh decides to explain the traumas of the past rather than attack me -- I consider it a VICTORY. 

[StayingWithHim]

Whenever there is an emotional situation and my uBPDh decides to explain the traumas of the past rather than attack me -- I consider it a VICTORY. 

Me too. Although it's rare that my BPDbf goes on the attack. With him it's usually the "pity party". He launches into long monologues about how horrible he is in all aspects of life and how I could and should find someone better. He does get very angry and you can see it boiling in his face, but instead of letting it out he holds it in and implodes.

Often I will ask questions, when the opportunity arises, about his past in an attempt to learn where his feelings come from. It helps me be more understanding. Like I know that his dad yelled a lot so I understand why he shuts down if people are raising their voices. Usually I learn these things after an incident has occurred and things have calmed down. He'll make a comment like, ":)ad used to yell at us a lot." Then I go, "Ok, so now I know why you reacted that way when I was angry and yelled at you. It's understandable given that piece of history."   

It's such a long and winding road, but hopefully we are making some progress.

[allibaba]

Mine does the pity bit sometimes too but the overwhelming instinct for him is to attack.  Its a process. 

Often I will ask questions, when the opportunity arises, about his past in an attempt to learn where his feelings come from. It helps me be more understanding. Like I know that his dad yelled a lot so I understand why he shuts down if people are raising their voices. Usually I learn these things after an incident has occurred and things have calmed down. He'll make a comment like, ":)ad used to yell at us a lot." Then I go, "Ok, so now I know why you reacted that way when I was angry and yelled at you. It's understandable given that piece of history."

From what I understand - this is exactly the right approach because they feel insecure.  Good for you.  Those moments are so few and far between for us (probably because he defaults to attack mode).  I hope that one day it will be the norm in our house... .  and that is why I am working so hard on the boundaries.  For him, for me and for our son.