41 Days of NC

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everyone!  I closed my account because I felt like I was using the website in order to prevent myself from moving on.  I know that probably sounds odd.  I just felt like I was obsessing over "diagnosing" my ex and focusing too much on him.  I feel like I'm in a better place now, so I'm back.  

Here is my intro post if you care to check it out:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=199537.0

As the title of this post says, it has been 41 days since I last talked to my ex.  I cannot believe how quickly time has flown by.  But then again, I can.  I have spent the past few weeks trying to clean up the mess that I made as a result of my relationship with my ex-boyfriend.  I managed to make it through my entire college career so far without skipping classes or slacking off to the point where my grades suffered, but as soon as I started dating my ex and the honeymoon phase ended, I became depressed and there were days where I couldn't get out of bed.  Before this semester, I hadn't gotten a "C" in any of my college courses, and now I have three of them.

Anyway, I just turned in my final paper so I am officially done with the spring semester.  The main reason I'm here is because I have a fear of being bored all the time and obsessing over my ex again.  I've been so busy that I haven't had time to sit and think about him like I did before, but I'm afraid he is going to seep into my brain again.

Here are a few fillers/updates about what has happened between us for those of you who haven't read my initial post:

- We've known each other for about four or five years.

- We only dated officially for about a week, but we were talking to one another pretty much every day since the end of December.

- We "recycled" multiple times.  I've lost count.  I'm still confused as to whether I'm the recycler (probably not a word) or we are equally responsible because each time I was the one who tried to end things, then when he sweet talked me I told him we could try again.

- The last time I tried to make it work with him was when he "painted me black."  I had told him we could try again and he said "Well if we're going to do that, you're going to have to compromise with those pictures (he wanted me to take photos in my underwear because we're in different countries and I'm not into that).  This has been an issue since he left the States.  I told him good luck with his new girlfriend (some girl he was into) and that I knew he would never change.  I told him he didn't need to contact me anymore, but that if he ever decided to face his issues (loss, abandonment, drinking), he could call me.  I know that sounds totally ridiculous and contradictory.  He snapped and told me that I deserve to suffer; I broke his heart so many times, etc.  I haven't spoken to him since.

- Throughout our relationship he was very shallow and rude about my appearance.  He knows that I struggle with my weight and I am self-conscious about my hair because I come from a family where the males think it's okay to tell the women that their hair looks a mess or they've gained some weight.  I tried to explain to him that because he's my boyfriend, I should be able to come to him and feel beautiful, and I thought he understood that.  That didn't stop him from telling me that I looked fat one time when I sent him a picture, and that my hair reminds him of pubes because it's curly.  

- He constantly pressured me into taking photos in my underwear and stuff.  I never did it, but once he flat out told me "I keep bringing it up because I guess I figure if I do it enough you'll give in."  

- He always told me that I was too sensitive and that he isn't sensitive at all.  I "knew what I was getting into when I started dating him," and he's "fine the way he is... .  any woman would be happy to date him."

How this situation has affected my personal relationships with others:

Surprisingly, my self-esteem has not made a drastic drop like I thought it would.  I still feel beautiful, I still feel like I'm a wonderful person, and I know I am because even after all of the nasty things he said to me, I still want him to get help.  My relationships with my family members were on the rocks.  My little sister and I are close.  She's ten years younger than I am but you wouldn't be able to tell it.  We used to do everything together.  When my ex and I first started having issues, I was so mean to my sister.  I told her to get out of my room, leave me alone, not to bother me, stop being annoying, etc.  I was taking my frustration out on her and that isn't right at all.  My mother and I weren't talking as much as we used to, but she has dealt with this type of thing before (with my father), so she understood.  She gave me my space but we're doing a lot better now.

I realized after this entire ordeal that (excuse me for yelling) I HAVE THE BEST DARN FRIENDS IN THE WORLD!  I mean it.  Two of the most unlikely people have been there for me through it all.  You know how you can tell when people get sick of hearing you talk about things and you can tell?  I experienced that with some of my other friends, but not these two.  I called them crying and what did they do?  They listened.  I recently got back into social networking and when my friends see me posting emotional things about missing someone (I admit... .  I still do it), they comment reminding me that things are just fine the way they are.  They bring me back to reality.

Things I've done since the final blowout that I'm not proud of:

I still look at his social networking sites.  It's like I have to know what he's doing.  I try not to do it as often anymore, but it's usually once or twice a day.  I even opened a social networking account and followed/added people I know that he knows so he will see that I am fine without him.  I know that sounds childish and stupid.  I just couldn't help it.  One day my friend even posted a picture of us on her profile and he liked it.  I didn't think he would, and for a second I wondered why he did it.  Then I calmed myself down and said ":)on't look too much into it, babe.  It doesn't even matter."

I apologize for ranting!  Back to the original topic.  Yes, 41 days of no contact and I am feeling GOOD!  I feel myself becoming "numb" when it comes to him now, which for me is a good thing.  That's pretty much how I've healed from my past relationships.  I have to get to the point where I don't cry anymore, and I stop caring.  I still care a lot, but I'm getting to the point where if he contacted me, I wouldn't lash out.  I wouldn't pour my heart out.  I don't even think I could utter the words "I love you" anymore.  

I am so grateful to be at this point, and to have gotten out when I did.  My friend and I were talking the other night and she told me "I honestly believe the only reason you weren't physically abused is because he isn't in the country."  I think she's right, and I don't want any part of that.  Sometimes when I think about him dating someone new (or he posts something about dating someone else), I get a little sad.  Then I remind myself "This is the same person who told you that you deserve to have your heart broken, and to suffer.  This is the same man who told you 'Screw your morals.'  This is the man who claimed to love you, but did not respect you, and called you out of your name simply because you expressed concern for his well-being."

One of these days I'll be able to resist that urge to check up on him online, but either way, I'm at 41 days of NC, and I'm feeling better than ever!

[Sango216]

Hi everyone!  I closed my account because I felt like I was using the website in order to prevent myself from moving on.  I know that probably sounds odd.  I just felt like I was obsessing over "diagnosing" my ex and focusing too much on him.  I feel like I'm in a better place now, so I'm back.  

Here is my intro post if you care to check it out:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=199537.0

As the title of this post says, it has been 41 days since I last talked to my ex.  I cannot believe how quickly time has flown by.  But then again, I can.  I have spent the past few weeks trying to clean up the mess that I made as a result of my relationship with my ex-boyfriend.  I managed to make it through my entire college career so far without skipping classes or slacking off to the point where my grades suffered, but as soon as I started dating my ex and the honeymoon phase ended, I became depressed and there were days where I couldn't get out of bed.  Before this semester, I hadn't gotten a "C" in any of my college courses, and now I have three of them.

Anyway, I just turned in my final paper so I am officially done with the spring semester.  The main reason I'm here is because I have a fear of being bored all the time and obsessing over my ex again.  I've been so busy that I haven't had time to sit and think about him like I did before, but I'm afraid he is going to seep into my brain again.

Here are a few fillers/updates about what has happened between us for those of you who haven't read my initial post:

- We've known each other for about four or five years.

- We only dated officially for about a week, but we were talking to one another pretty much every day since the end of December.

- We "recycled" multiple times.  I've lost count.  I'm still confused as to whether I'm the recycler (probably not a word) or we are equally responsible because each time I was the one who tried to end things, then when he sweet talked me I told him we could try again.

- The last time I tried to make it work with him was when he "painted me black."  I had told him we could try again and he said "Well if we're going to do that, you're going to have to compromise with those pictures (he wanted me to take photos in my underwear because we're in different countries and I'm not into that).  This has been an issue since he left the States.  I told him good luck with his new girlfriend (some girl he was into) and that I knew he would never change.  I told him he didn't need to contact me anymore, but that if he ever decided to face his issues (loss, abandonment, drinking), he could call me.  I know that sounds totally ridiculous and contradictory.  He snapped and told me that I deserve to suffer; I broke his heart so many times, etc.  I haven't spoken to him since.

- Throughout our relationship he was very shallow and rude about my appearance.  He knows that I struggle with my weight and I am self-conscious about my hair because I come from a family where the males think it's okay to tell the women that their hair looks a mess or they've gained some weight.  I tried to explain to him that because he's my boyfriend, I should be able to come to him and feel beautiful, and I thought he understood that.  That didn't stop him from telling me that I looked fat one time when I sent him a picture, and that my hair reminds him of pubes because it's curly.  

- He constantly pressured me into taking photos in my underwear and stuff.  I never did it, but once he flat out told me "I keep bringing it up because I guess I figure if I do it enough you'll give in."  

- He always told me that I was too sensitive and that he isn't sensitive at all.  I "knew what I was getting into when I started dating him," and he's "fine the way he is... .  any woman would be happy to date him."

How this situation has affected my personal relationships with others:

Surprisingly, my self-esteem has not made a drastic drop like I thought it would.  I still feel beautiful, I still feel like I'm a wonderful person, and I know I am because even after all of the nasty things he said to me, I still want him to get help.  My relationships with my family members were on the rocks.  My little sister and I are close.  She's ten years younger than I am but you wouldn't be able to tell it.  We used to do everything together.  When my ex and I first started having issues, I was so mean to my sister.  I told her to get out of my room, leave me alone, not to bother me, stop being annoying, etc.  I was taking my frustration out on her and that isn't right at all.  My mother and I weren't talking as much as we used to, but she has dealt with this type of thing before (with my father), so she understood.  She gave me my space but we're doing a lot better now.

I realized after this entire ordeal that (excuse me for yelling) I HAVE THE BEST DARN FRIENDS IN THE WORLD!  I mean it.  Two of the most unlikely people have been there for me through it all.  You know how you can tell when people get sick of hearing you talk about things and you can tell?  I experienced that with some of my other friends, but not these two.  I called them crying and what did they do?  They listened.  I recently got back into social networking and when my friends see me posting emotional things about missing someone (I admit... .  I still do it), they comment reminding me that things are just fine the way they are.  They bring me back to reality.

Things I've done since the final blowout that I'm not proud of:

I still look at his social networking sites.  It's like I have to know what he's doing.  I try not to do it as often anymore, but it's usually once or twice a day.  I even opened a social networking account and followed/added people I know that he knows so he will see that I am fine without him.  I know that sounds childish and stupid.  I just couldn't help it.  One day my friend even posted a picture of us on her profile and he liked it.  I didn't think he would, and for a second I wondered why he did it.  Then I calmed myself down and said ":)on't look too much into it, babe.  It doesn't even matter."

I apologize for ranting!  Back to the original topic.  Yes, 41 days of no contact and I am feeling GOOD!  I feel myself becoming "numb" when it comes to him now, which for me is a good thing.  That's pretty much how I've healed from my past relationships.  I have to get to the point where I don't cry anymore, and I stop caring.  I still care a lot, but I'm getting to the point where if he contacted me, I wouldn't lash out.  I wouldn't pour my heart out.  I don't even think I could utter the words "I love you" anymore.  

I am so grateful to be at this point, and to have gotten out when I did.  My friend and I were talking the other night and she told me "I honestly believe the only reason you weren't physically abused is because he isn't in the country."  I think she's right, and I don't want any part of that.  Sometimes when I think about him dating someone new (or he posts something about dating someone else), I get a little sad.  Then I remind myself "This is the same person who told you that you deserve to have your heart broken, and to suffer.  This is the same man who told you 'Screw your morals.'  This is the man who claimed to love you, but did not respect you, and called you out of your name simply because you expressed concern for his well-being."

One of these days I'll be able to resist that urge to check up on him online, but either way, I'm at 41 days of NC, and I'm feeling better than ever!

[delgato]

sango,


Welcome back!

Sounds like you're doing pretty well these days, given your circumstances. Keep it up!


Just wanted to comment on how you mentioned that your studies were negatively affected, as were family relationships, when dealing with a pwBPD.

I can certainly relate. At one point I had totally flipped out on my parents, saying some pretty harsh stuff, apparently out-of-the-blue in their eyes. It was pretty uncharacteristic of me. And at that point, was probably the most difficulty I had had with my pwBPD. Coincidence? I don't think so. Eventually I apologized, and explained what had been going on around that time. My mother has a (different) pwBPD off & on in her life, so she could relate.

And although I haven't been a student in a while, my work at the job was certainly suffering around that time, as well. I am responsible for my own actions & behavior; however, I did let a lot of things from the pwBPD get to me after a while, and it certainly affected big chunks of my life.


In any event, what you went through seems pretty common for a non. It happens. Learn, heal, grow & move on.

Lots of great people on these boards, at all different stages. Definitely a cool place to get & give support!

[Sango216]

Hi Delgato!

Thank you for the support!  I think it helps when other people have been through the same thing (like your mother and mine), and of course, it is always best to acknowledge what has been going on or apologize for taking out your frustration on others. 

I feel like I'm in a much better place.  I can come here and focus on myself and my healing process, not him and what his issues are.

[delgato]

I feel like I'm in a much better place.  I can come here and focus on myself and my healing process, not him and what his issues are.

And just think: When you hit 50 posts, you gain access to another board here, which sounds like it's up your alley... .  !

[L6] Taking Personal Inventory

Spiritual and Emotional Self Awareness and the Examination of Our Own Behaviors

Although not quite as active as this one, there's tons of good stuff there from over the years.

[confetti]

I don't even think I could utter the words "I love you" anymore.

that pangs my heart a little >~<

i can relate so much ._. i am a little over 120 days NC and young, i had quit my brand new makeup career because it was interferring with "his time" with me. the breakup had me not even getting put of bed and eventually not even going anymore because i couldn't juggle all of those feelings and the mental exhaustion i was forced to deal with at the time of thst door opening for me.

but you continuining your schooling and trudging through your mess is such a relieving thing to hear. these two things alone i mentioned, that and the above detaching you seem to be doing is really something to be proud of.

[Sango216]

Hi Confetti!

Wow.  120 days.  That's amazing.  Those feelings you speak of, they are so overwhelming.  Before I started dating my ex, I had never skipped class.  He pretty much took the life out of me.  Then when he was gone, well the only thing I could do to take my mind off of things was keep myself busy, and it just so happened that my life was in shambles so that took up all of my time.

Thanks for the support and I wish you well on your journey as well!

[leftbehind]

Congratulations, Sango216:-)  It sounds like you're doing great.  Keep on loving who you are

[Sango216]

Thank you Leftbehind!  I feel like I'm in a much better place.  I'm still working on not checking up on him so much, but aside from that I'm doing alright.