Zen and the art of driving

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

As I approach the one year anniversary of my BPD exgf and I's break up blowout, I've found myself feeling sad, conflicted and longing - almost as if my mind is whitewashing memories of her and only focusing on the things that I miss. I've been taking it a day at a time and trying to practice mindfulness along with compiling an honest personal inventory, which I'll eventually post here.

I've always loved cars and have been fortunate to have the means to collect some wonderful ones. Going for a long drive down some country roads while listening to music is one of my favorite ways to unwind.

Yesterday, my good friend sent me a text asking if I'd let his friend see my small car collection. I agreed and we met up later that night. His friend had just purchased his first sports car after saving up for years and was a huge automotive aficionado. I was humbled when he seemed genuinely blown away by my small collection. But I could tell that he took a liking to one of my cars in particular. It was nearly 10 pm and the roads were dead, so I handed him the key and got into the passenger's seat. I've never seen somebody grin so hard in my life. Here's a man pushing 30 who was transformed into a little kid as he whipped along the back roads. At one point he began yelling because he was having so much fun! It was his first experience with this type of a car, and he mentioned having a poster of one on his childhood bedroom wall. When we were done, nearly an hour later, he was literally weak in the knees. I was glad that he had so much fun... .  and that's just it, I was so happy that I put a big smile on someone's face that day. In fact, I couldn't stop thinking about it. It brought an odd calm and peace to my tumultuous mind and heart, just to be able to share one of my passions and put a smile on somebody's face, not to mention making a new friend.

Even as I write this, I'm still smiling at the thought of everything. It's not that I made a profound difference in the way that teachers and other professionals do every day, so I won't equate it to that; but there was something liberating and wonderful about making somebody else so happy, just for the heck of it.

I couldn't help but think of a gentleman that I know who's a client and a sort of mentor. His car collection is world-famous and has been featured in various magazines and web sites. However, he came down with a terminal illness (one that destroys the nervous system) a few years ago and it changed his outlook on life. He began collecting even more cars, but also letting just about everybody drive them. He's often said that the biggest joy he gets nowadays is putting that big grin on the face of somebody who's never driven a powerful sports car.

It was certainly an unexpected pleasure to find amidst a few weeks of emotional turmoil - but I must say, that a lot of the turmoil simply seemed to subside. I wonder if there's more to this... .  and if maybe I need to shift some of my own life priorities.

[lhd981]

As I approach the one year anniversary of my BPD exgf and I's break up blowout, I've found myself feeling sad, conflicted and longing - almost as if my mind is whitewashing memories of her and only focusing on the things that I miss. I've been taking it a day at a time and trying to practice mindfulness along with compiling an honest personal inventory, which I'll eventually post here.

I've always loved cars and have been fortunate to have the means to collect some wonderful ones. Going for a long drive down some country roads while listening to music is one of my favorite ways to unwind.

Yesterday, my good friend sent me a text asking if I'd let his friend see my small car collection. I agreed and we met up later that night. His friend had just purchased his first sports car after saving up for years and was a huge automotive aficionado. I was humbled when he seemed genuinely blown away by my small collection. But I could tell that he took a liking to one of my cars in particular. It was nearly 10 pm and the roads were dead, so I handed him the key and got into the passenger's seat. I've never seen somebody grin so hard in my life. Here's a man pushing 30 who was transformed into a little kid as he whipped along the back roads. At one point he began yelling because he was having so much fun! It was his first experience with this type of a car, and he mentioned having a poster of one on his childhood bedroom wall. When we were done, nearly an hour later, he was literally weak in the knees. I was glad that he had so much fun... .  and that's just it, I was so happy that I put a big smile on someone's face that day. In fact, I couldn't stop thinking about it. It brought an odd calm and peace to my tumultuous mind and heart, just to be able to share one of my passions and put a smile on somebody's face, not to mention making a new friend.

Even as I write this, I'm still smiling at the thought of everything. It's not that I made a profound difference in the way that teachers and other professionals do every day, so I won't equate it to that; but there was something liberating and wonderful about making somebody else so happy, just for the heck of it.

I couldn't help but think of a gentleman that I know who's a client and a sort of mentor. His car collection is world-famous and has been featured in various magazines and web sites. However, he came down with a terminal illness (one that destroys the nervous system) a few years ago and it changed his outlook on life. He began collecting even more cars, but also letting just about everybody drive them. He's often said that the biggest joy he gets nowadays is putting that big grin on the face of somebody who's never driven a powerful sports car.

It was certainly an unexpected pleasure to find amidst a few weeks of emotional turmoil - but I must say, that a lot of the turmoil simply seemed to subside. I wonder if there's more to this... .  and if maybe I need to shift some of my own life priorities.

[clairedair]

Hi lhd981

sounds like you had a really good day.  I also love to go for a drive and listen to loud music (if there's a bar of dark chocolate, even better).  I try not to do it when really angry because I once damaged the car on gate post when my temper got in the way of my normally good judgement!

My exH was always very negative about my love of driving and it was a regular trigger so I have resisted changing the car.  Now that I feel more 'free' of the relationship and the negative messages, I find that I am thinking more and more about getting a sports car.   I currently drive an 'eco' car that exH and I bought at start of one of our reconciliations and I was left with.  It's been a reliable, easy on the diesel, no road tax kind of car and has a little more oomph than you might expect but I love the driving experience (first car I ever drove was a Porsche 911 Targa - nothing else has come up to scratch!).

I agree with him that cars are not good for the environment but driving is something that makes me feel alive and I really need more of that!

It sounds as if being able to help someone else experience driving a car they have fantasised about made you feel alive.  I admire your trust in letting him drive and also your courage in getting into the passenger seat when you don't know how good a driver he was!  Was it strange to be able to make someone else happy (I'm assuming you found it hard to make exgf happy no matter how hard you tried?)

When you mention shifting your own life priorities, what are you considering? 

take care,

Claire

PS I get the bit about focussing on the good stuff.  It's partly what led me to reconcile so often.  I find that I am more 'free' this time because I seem to be focussing much more on the bad stuff (not deliberately - it's just what's happening this time).

[Blazing Star]

It was certainly an unexpected pleasure to find amidst a few weeks of emotional turmoil - but I must say, that a lot of the turmoil simply seemed to subside. I wonder if there's more to this... .  and if maybe I need to shift some of my own life priorities.

I love this story! There is something so refreshing and uplifting stepping outside of yourself and making someone else smile.

Can you tell us a little more about the priority shifting you are thinking about?

Love Blazing Star