How weird is it?

[cleotokos]

I've been thinking about this incident over the last few days. I'm not sure why, as it happened a few years back. But it's always irked me, as I felt my uBPDmom really crossed a line on this one.

She's always attempting these power struggles with me, and if I don't give in, she acts like a victim and like I'm just a mean and crazy person, and accuses me of "playing games" with her (which is some bullcrap I've heard from the age of 2 or 3 - yeah 3 year olds play "mind games"?). For example, she'll recommend a book. If I say I'm not interested (I'm not into sad books or novels) she won't let it go - it's a really good book and I'm just being so unreasonable by not wanting to take her recommendation. She will bring the book to my house anyways and leave it there. I started taking them to the thrift shop, and she got mad about that. Anyway, beside the point - there are many instances in my life of her trying to start such stupid dramas between us. She wants conflict, and then she wants to feel like she's won. That's the purpose.

So she decided she wanted me to become a member of our local memorial society, which gets you a discount on funeral services. She offered to pay the $40 fee. Her reasoning was that if I died, she didn't want to be stuck with a huge bill for my funeral. Ugh that just rubbed me the wrong way and I was super irritated as soon as she said that. Not to mention that I was a perfectly healthy, late 20's woman with medical and life insurance. I refused to join. What do I care what MY OWN insurance money goes to after I die? I have no dependants that would be needing that money for anything. She kept insisting on it even after I explained that she would not have to pay for anything should I die. She wouldn't let it go. Then, all of a sudden... .  she shut up about it. That was kinda weird.

About a month later, I got a letter in the mail welcoming me to the memorial society's membership.

That BISH forged my signature!

I thought about contacting the memorial society and letting them know what happened, but why bother? I never said anything to her about it. I was so flabbergasted that she would actually do such a thing. I know on the surface it probably seems like I'm being ridiculous - why wouldn't I just become a member? But that's not what it's really about.

I'm wondering how you all would feel about it? What would you have done if you were me?

I know this is nothing compared to some BPD behaviour, and in the end, nobody's been hurt. But it's the constant undermining of my own opinions, feelings, thoughts, desires that I can't take anymore.

[Cordelia]

I know on the surface it probably seems like I'm being ridiculous - why wouldn't I just become a member?

Oh not at all.  This is really bizarre intrusive behavior.  Going so far as to forge your signature... .  wow.  My mom pulled stuff like this a lot too.  Stuff that's just so STRANGE it isn't clear how to react.  As you say, no one was hurt.  It's just behavior designed to send you the message that what you think and want doesn't matter.  At a certain point in my relationship with my mom I probably would have had a conversation with her about it.  "When you did that, I felt undermined, blah blah blah."  Wasting my breath.  Obviously she knew it would make you feel undermined, that's why she did it.  If she pretends not to understand she's just playing dumb to avoid responsibility.  At another point I probably would have gotten mad, not said anything to her about it, and not done anything about it myself either.  Today what I would do is write the society a letter turning down the membership, maybe letting them know what happened or maybe not, probably doesn't matter either way, and MOST importantly setting some stronger boundaries with her, cutting back on visits and calls, maybe only meeting in public places if you've previously met in your or her home, maybe changing your personal information (such as a new phone number) so that it's harder for her to pull things like this.  Don't explain why you're making these changes, don't make it about her behavior, just do it and let her think about why there's more distance between you if she's capable of that.  The woman is acting like a stalker; as you say she wants a reaction, she wants to be important to you, even if it's negative attention it's still a reward to her, so just don't feed that behavior by discussing it with her and making it into an issue between you.  Just pull away as completely as you can without provoking a confrontation.  Hopefully she will quickly get bored and distracted and move on to new games. 

[cleotokos]

Cordelia, thanks for your answer. I think I definitely should have mentioned it to her - it's been about 4 years since this happened now so I feel like the time to deal with it has passed. I don't know why I've been thinking about it lately but I have. I think a large reason I never brought it up is I know she can make me feel like I'm being unreasonable, and she's so far in denial it would be absolutely pointless. And it would give her what she craves, which is conflict. Like I said, on the surface it seems like a harmless enough idea. In the context of our relationship though, it's always been about who's going to control my opinions and values in life - her or me? She loves to find things like this, where no "reasonable" person would argue with her position, so she can make it seem that there's something wrong with me.

[UpwardAndOnward]

seems like your being ridiculous? not even a little bit. my uBPDmom does the exact type of behavior. once she finds something that will make you annoyed, uncomfortable, uneasy- that subject suddenly is brought up every time you see her, she just has to bring it up.

the funeral home story is absurd and if I were you I probably would have called the service just out of principal. but being the daughter of a BPD- you really do have to pick your battles. where would that get you? the stress it would cause outweighs any type of value or principle you want to stick to. thats the trouble with BPD's, there is just no middle ground- there way or the high way.

its tough- i have nagging memories of my mom too. it has never done me any good to bring them up, in my experience, it opens a can of worms. and often done through email or letters so I can even stick up for myself while shes pouring her heart out on how much I have hurt her. (i played head game my whole life too... . and now my niece has been doing it since she was 2 too! imagine that) i feel for you!

[skelly_bean]

"mind games" ha! That was my mother's go-to accusation. When we were kids we were trying to play mind games with her allll the time. If a pen of hers went missing - MINDGAMES. If we left socks around the house it had to be ... .  MINDGAMES! If we answered honestly but she didn't like the answer... . yep! MINDGAMES!

I guess at least a benefit of all that is that I have learned to be very diplomatic.

Sorry to hear about your mom's behaviour. Parents who understand and respect their children's wishes would have a conversation to discuss the matter and then leave it if you weren't interested. Or maybe pursue it a bit and then drop it.

I thought that was just her personality, but I guess it's the paranoia of BPD.

[cleotokos]

Well, I never knew I was born into such a select group of professional mind-gamers! God I remember being so confused and not knowing what that was. I was also always suspect to her, of stealing, of lying. Eventually I DID steal from and lie to her, because you might as well if you're going to be made to feel as if you did, right? All this really did a number on my younger brother and I don't even know what he's become today. I see him fighting between his conscience and what he was told he was all his life. He is a master manipulator, mind gamer etc. and that's what he was told from day one. I believe kids will live up to what is expected of them.

[January86]

  I think it is totally normal you feel that way! I would feel the same.

Talking about books, my mother never reads, maybe sometimes she starts a book and doesn't finish -mostly to show her work colleagues she is reading it, to show off-. But once she started asking me if I could let her some books and came into my room and asked me if she could get my favourite book? I told her the truth, that it was a personal book for me and I would prefer she took another- actually it is related to some of my guilt problems she creates on me and I didnt want her to read it.

These happened again years later with my Freud books, I told her that they are personal as I underline dreams and stuff. Both times I adviced her so many other books, also about the same topic, I looked for books related to the topics that she likes, but she is already annoyed and leaves the room and says she doesn't understand how I can't share a book. I tell my Dad and he tells me, but why can't you just leave her those?

I think it might be a similar case to yours, as it seems a paranoia and it is so difficult to find validation for it!

Hugs!

[cleotokos]

January, that is really odd what your mother does with the books. I understand perfectly well that you wouldn't want anyone to look at your notes and underlines - how personal! I think your mom lacks boundaries, of course she does she's BPD. Maybe she thinks she has a right to your innermost thoughts and feelings. She probably perceives it as a rejection of her that you won't share this with her, but the truth is she has no right to expect that at all. I wonder if my mom feels it's a rejection when I'm not interested in reading a book she liked? When you said she comes into your room it reminded me of how my mom used to barge into my room when I lived with her, never knocking. I had no expectation of privacy in my own bedroom. I felt like everything I owned was really hers, as far as she was concerned. She would accidentally break my stuff and never really care or apologize.