Does it get any worse?

[Nearlybroken]

Just as I thought things couldn't get worse!My BPD partner stated yesterday that he had feelings for me but was unsure he could give me what I wanted.He didn't come home last night.We are going to talk soon (my request) and I have been frantically  learning about [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url] etc in the hope that I can engage him in a conversation that won't result in me saying the wrong thing and him twisting what I say then getting angry with me.I found out last night ... .  when I spoke to a member of his family... .  that he has "instructed" his family to cease contact with me.He has told them that I am a manipulative bully and has told lies about me.Seemingly some of his friends have also been told similar.Thankfully those who know me know this is not the truth but why would he do this?He has been laughing and joking on Facebook with people at the same time he has been ignoring me or sending me hurtful texts.I have tried for months now to be the best partner that I can to him.I feel very much like he is enjoying making me suffer.I don't understand BPD... .  how can it be directed at only one person... .  the person that has loved and cared for you?He keeps telling me he has to "protect himself" from certain conversations with me.He is honestly acting like I am an evil person.I cannot cope with this.I know this sounds silly but I am beginning to wonder if I HAVE been this person that he portrays me as.I am doubting my own sanity.This next comment is borne of ignorance about BPD and hurt but... .  Why the hell won't he take medication?Why won't he accept what the professionals are telling him?And why the hell is it all MY fault?I have been awake now for hours crying and worrying about what people think of me... .  noone knows what has gone on.I have protected him and tired to keep our relationship afloat.All thrown back in my face.I apologise for the self-pity in this post.I am just so hurt and defeated right now. :'(

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[Chosen]

Hi Nearlybroken,

I am sorry about what you are going through.  Unfortunately, pwBPDs seem to only act out on those closest most of the time, as they feel vulnerable being so close.  And of course, also because other people won't be hurt by them so they don't get the satisfaction of transfereing their hurt emotions.

It is good that you are here and hopefullt read lots on validation.  But do realise thar a lot of times it is not what you say or even how you say it... .  they will twist your words no matter what... . When my pwBPD is dysregulated, I keep my words to a minimum (also expressions!) and don't elaborate on my answers so he has less ammunution to throw at me.

[Rhymes w/Orange]

Hi Nearlybroken,

My heart broke to read your post. I have been exactly where you are, and I was there for years. Just in disbelief how dBPDh could tell everyone we know all these terrible things about me, and because of isolation, no one knows me well enough to suspect that it's not true. It hurts so bad, because you're a good person who loves him and has protected him and covered up his faults, and in return you get your name slandered. And yes, BPD is the mind trip from hell, for any partner who truly cares. It's a mental illness... .  but it's mostly only directed toward the ones closest to them. So bizarre, no one would believe it unless they live through it. I tried so hard to make it work. He tried harder to make it fall apart. Then when it did he blamed me and said it was my plan all along.   

Welcome to the land of BPD. I wish you didn't have to go through this.

[hithere]

Does it get any worse?

I would always be surprised when things managed to get worse over time... .  I kept thinking we hit a new low and then it would go lower.  Unfortunately as we cross boundaries it makes it easier to cross them again and go even further down.

[benny2]

I also went through the same when I was living with my pwBPD. He did everything he could to drive me out. Told his family I was going bolistic and accusing him of things he was not doing. All Bull. After his first rage episode that I witnessed, I would remain calm and collected and let him rage. And I did not accuse of anything that he was not doing, everything I accused him of was true. They do this to cover their own quilt because they do not want to be seen as the bad guy. I also started thinking it was me, but its not and don't ever think for a minute that you are to blame. They can be so cold and cruel and turn on you like a snake. That is what scares me the most about continuing a relationship with him. If the grass appears greener on the other side, I will become the enemy once again.

[waverider]

Everything you say is classic BPD. You are far too enmeshed and reliant on him.  Spend a lot of time here and you will discover how to unravel yourself from dependence on his actions. You will learn how to be a stronger independent person, have more of a say in what you can, and will put up with.

Make no mistake there is no quick fix, or discussion you can have with him to make him change his ways.You need to pull back into some space and start learning how to relate to someone with BPD. The dynamics are hidden and complicated. It is bigger than just trying to get over the drama of the moment as there will always be a next one.

To answer your question"does it get any worse?" the answer is only if you let it. You are in control of your life, he is merely a guest being allowed in for as long as you allow him

[Chosen]

What I like about this site is that it gives us, who are in relationships with pwBPDs, power.  It tells us that we are not victims, that we have the power to change.  We may not change the relationship completely into a "normal" one, but we have the power to improve it to a certain extent, even if the other party is not helpful.

If you don't want it to get worse, you can do it.  Hopefully by reading the materials on the right (the Lessons) and practising them it will help your relationship.  It has helped me.  Before I came here, my relationship hit a new low.  After I came here, I still have many lows but they come less often and are less intense.  So although it's far from perfect, the materials on here have helped me cope with my daily life.  It can help you too!

[Nearlybroken]

Thank you all for your words.I really do need to get some strength back and try my best to put some boundries in place as to what I will and will not tolerate.The problem is that everything I say that BPD partner doesn't agree with instigates awful over reactions which I can't help but get upset over.Even a difference of opinion on the most mundane topics can be a trigger.Its hard to know what to say anymore.The other day I told him that I loved him... .  he had a panic attack (full blown).How does THAT work?I thought that people telling you that you are loved was meant to make you feel secure and,well,loved?

[waverider]

A massive over reaction will likely happen to any change. When you first try boundaries you will come across extinction bursts, that can be very scary and take nerve to hold your ground. But once you have overcome those first ones and effectively defended a boundary you will get a huge boost of can do, with some of the hopelessness lifting.

You will learn to understand the underlying causes for his behavior, even if you cant change them, but for now accept there will be a lot that just leaves you scratching your head wondering what on earth is causing such reactions.