Just need reassurance in whirlwind

[Chosen]

uBPDh is in an irritated mood.  Complaining about everything I did wrong in the past, say I am selfish and take him for granted, usual stuff.  I am trying to validate and cool off (he is doing this by text), and not smother him but respond to his facts separately.  But I don't know for how much longer before I say something wrong and hell breaks loose.  I hope it doesn't happen.

How to keep calm and stop making things worse when you are forced to communicate with a dysregulated person?  Not raging as yet but totally illogical (ie everything my fault)... .  and wish me luck.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Consumed]

Chosen.

It feels like there is no right way to discuss anything at that point, say the right words, say the rights word but get them twisted. Blame, blame, blame, which goes nowhere. This part of the "emotional blackmail" site helped me a lot. It opened up that I didnt have (or at least try) to not take their problem on as mine. I could still have some sense of composer when WW3 was going on inches from my face or on my phone or text. It is so hard to practice this when faced with so many accusations, but I actually printed in out and kept it with me. For me, I had to practice them to be able to have them in my head when I needed them. I know it sounds cliche, but trying to defend ourself in the face of complete lack of reason or such demeaning words of blame puts us in that cage match instead of realizing the only purpose is to "put us down" and them to be "right". When I was able to get some of these responses down, I could let her have her opinions, blame, manipulation, and anger, but remove myself from it, so to speak and let her deal with it. Hope this helped. Hope this address came out right.    www.angelfire.com/biz/BPD/blackmail.html

[Iced]

If validation isn't working because they are simply unwilling or too consumed by the BPD-ness, you can send a final (for now) validating message along with a gentle reminder that you are going to reassert your boundaries and that once he has calmed down, you will be ready to talk honestly about whatever is bothering him.

Basically, validation of his distress, but a timeout for both of you to cool down, and once cooled, down, ready to listen and talk honestly and rationally.

This will allow you to step back to breathe in a validating manner and also send the message that his blame-gaming isn't appropriate behavior and that he needs to respect you and that you will return that respect by having an open and honest conversation once he is ready/not consumed by the BPD.

[Chosen]

Hi Consumed, thanks for the link and some of the info is useful with BPD (but maybe not "telling them that they have hurt you  ).  And Iced, I do agree with you both that it is obviously not helpful talking to a dysregulated person.  Right now, he is playing his own script... .  saying I don't take initiative to do stuff when it was him who didn't involve me... .  but anyhow, no use arguing. It is the validating without disagreeing with him (even though factually he was wrong) that us hard... .  

[Iced]

Oh gosh yes, definitely frustrating.  And unfortunately because of what BPD is, they may never acknowledge the truth or want to acknowledge the truth because of the issue with self-awareness and disordered thinking.

I definitely get that it sucks to be blamed for things you didn't do (been there and done that for sure!); hang in there!

[Chosen]

Another question: so he said that I don't initiative, I know what he likes and I leave it to him to do it.  And that I keep asking him.

The truth is: whenever I take the initiative, say buy him something I think he will like or suggest an activity or just went ahead to get say movie tickets, his response will be to complain.  The timing would be wrong, he would hate it, or he will say no to whatever I suggest. Example: he says he loves going to the gym but cannot go because of me.  So I kept on suggesting let ys go (even suggesting a day in advance, saying we should leave the night blank so we could go to the gym).  But every time, no.

So how can I possibly reply to him? For now, I only said... .  "Hmm... .  I understand.  Ok."