School/Aftercare Pick ups

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Can I tell you how frustrating it is that something as simple as picking a kid up from aftercare has to turn into a power struggle?

SO added me to D8's aftercare allowable pickup list becuase with less than a week's notice D8's uBPDmom asked him to watch D8 a few days last week. No big deal, he was able to pick her up one of the days but got stuck at work and couldn't pick her up another. So I did.

Now uBPDmom found out about it and claims she took me off the list. 

Why does this have to be another fight? Her boyfriend and some neighbor lady are on the list. She's allowed to have designees. But SO is apparently not. It's annoying how she constantly has to try to control the situation.

I'm wondering how the aftercare will handle the situation if in the future there is a need for me to pick her up again (before you all chime in with a "butt out, thunderstruck" I just want to specify that I'm nothing more than the last resort if both parents are unavailable). This can't be the first time that a jealous mom wouldn't let the dad's gf pick up a kid. I figured I would just tell them: "Mom's at work. Dad's at work. She's coming with me or staying with you guys."

And, as a side note, it's rather annoying that uBPDmom refuses to use my name. She usually calls me some derivative of "fat". How old are we now? My weight has nothing to do with whether I'm a good person to be around your child.

[Thunderstruck]

Can I tell you how frustrating it is that something as simple as picking a kid up from aftercare has to turn into a power struggle?

SO added me to D8's aftercare allowable pickup list becuase with less than a week's notice D8's uBPDmom asked him to watch D8 a few days last week. No big deal, he was able to pick her up one of the days but got stuck at work and couldn't pick her up another. So I did.

Now uBPDmom found out about it and claims she took me off the list. 

Why does this have to be another fight? Her boyfriend and some neighbor lady are on the list. She's allowed to have designees. But SO is apparently not. It's annoying how she constantly has to try to control the situation.

I'm wondering how the aftercare will handle the situation if in the future there is a need for me to pick her up again (before you all chime in with a "butt out, thunderstruck" I just want to specify that I'm nothing more than the last resort if both parents are unavailable). This can't be the first time that a jealous mom wouldn't let the dad's gf pick up a kid. I figured I would just tell them: "Mom's at work. Dad's at work. She's coming with me or staying with you guys."

And, as a side note, it's rather annoying that uBPDmom refuses to use my name. She usually calls me some derivative of "fat". How old are we now? My weight has nothing to do with whether I'm a good person to be around your child.

[DreamGirl]

In reading Stop Walking on Eggshells, I learned quickly that this plot for control is simply her trying to regulate her overwhelming feeling of not being in control.  She has this innerworld that is constantly spiraling out of control and she is regularily trying to make sense of it... .  using every BPD coping skill she's got. i.e. When your husband makes a decision without her consent, she feels the sting and regulates it by taking it back.

I know that you don't like dealing with the immaturity and that it's annoying. You look at a grown woman who is acting like a 5 year old.

But that's probably about where's she's at in her skill set in dealing with this stuff.

If you want to kick on your empathy shoes for a minute, I will tell you that a lot of Mama's struggle when a new woman comes on scene. ESPECIALLY when you are a Mama that is already in high-conflict with the other parent. It definitely is very difficult to let go of that perceived control (of who is and is not allowed in your child's life) and hand it over to someone who actively doesn't like or respect you.

I used to not be included on these "In case of Emergency Forms" either. She actually has even put a boyfriend of 2 months in the "Father" spot before. It was a big deal at the time, but it was just her emotional maturity leading the way there and the hubs learned that it was only a big deal if he made it a big deal. So when he wasn't making it a big deal, she followed his lead.

My stepkids' Mama actually puts me down on those forms now... .  but that took years and years of proving to her that I thought she was a good mama and I would never undermine her. It gives her that sense of "control" because really, she *needs* to have that kind of illusion. My husband doesn't. Neither do I. I don't need her to put me on those forms or for her to allow my husband to put me on those forms.  

If one person lays down the power struggle, then the struggle is over.

-DreamGirl

[mamachelle]

Hey Thunderstruck,

I do agree with DreamGirl and just wanted to add a bit here.

I guess your SO can and probably should talk to the aftercare on your behalf just so they know that your are not dangerous. I would think he could call you in for emergencies but officially leave you off the list. Still I would have him check with the staff and find out what was said. Better to have your SO call BioMom and tell her can't pick up D8 but Thunderstruck can.

If she is not ok with it then she has to deal with it.



If your SO had his custody and parenting plan in place I would say he would have more leeway, but right now she gets to be a nut and make everyone else feel bad.

Again, sorry this is going on, we know you are just trying to help out.

mamachelle

[Thunderstruck]

No good deed goes unpunished, I guess.

I feel like she throws this fuss initially and blows things up. Then when we continue on the same path she gives up the fight and there are only small flares. So maybe next time this happens she'll start to accept it. And it really was to accomodate HER wishes in the first place. But she doesn't want to see that. She just wants to see hatred for me. It's sad for her, to still be so upset.

I'd like to be able to work with her, it would be so much easier if she would just drop the hatred. She bypasses all my blocks (by using someone else's phone usually) and tries to reach out to me whenever she can't get ahold of SO. But then she does things like this. So it's just such a mixed signal, am I involved or not?

[dutchie]

I'm not writing a lot on this forum anymore so you're probably wondering who I am  Also a stepmom dealing with an angry uBPD mom (I'm about 8 and 1/2 years into it!)

Sounds like a confusing and messy situation if uBPD approaches you when it suits her but pushes you away as well. At least my skids mom is consistent in her hatred of me. She hasn't eased up and I don't think she ever will.

Is it true your DH doesn't have a parenting plan yet? Once he does he can put you down as a contact and that should be that. His time, his responsibility, his choice. until then I would tread carefully, like others suggested.

Can I ask; when uBPD does contact you, do you accommodate her requests? I'm just wondering because it makes it a lot harder to be half-involved/used rather than to just stay out of the parenting arrangements alltogether.

[dutchie]

If one person lays down the power struggle, then the struggle is over.

-DreamGirl

This is exactly what we did and it's the best thing we could have done. Very very hard because it feels like you're giving the uBPD total control which is awful considering their terrible choices... . but ultimately it did stop her from being able to always put the kids in the middle.

[Thunderstruck]

I'm not writing a lot on this forum anymore so you're probably wondering who I am  Also a stepmom dealing with an angry uBPD mom (I'm about 8 and 1/2 years into it!)

Sounds like a confusing and messy situation if uBPD approaches you when it suits her but pushes you away as well. At least my skids mom is consistent in her hatred of me. She hasn't eased up and I don't think she ever will.

Is it true your DH doesn't have a parenting plan yet? Once he does he can put you down as a contact and that should be that. His time, his responsibility, his choice. until then I would tread carefully, like others suggested.

Can I ask; when uBPD does contact you, do you accommodate her requests? I'm just wondering because it makes it a lot harder to be half-involved/used rather than to just stay out of the parenting arrangements alltogether.

Yeah, SO doesn't have a plan in place yet. Long story involving a terrible lawyer. But it's in process. (As soon as he can afford another retainer for a different attorney.)

I think I'll just continue staying out of pickups like before. If there's a situation, then SO e-mails BM and says "I can't make it. Either you cancel your plans or Thunderstruck gets D8." We'll see how that goes.

No, whenever she contants me (either directly or through friends) I tell her the same thing "That's between you two, please do not contact me further." I have a "cease and decist" letter against her contacting me because she was harassing me and calling 20x a day.

[dutchie]

Wow that's crazy! 20 times a day! I cannot imagine what that's like, I've always been NC with my skids uBPD. I think the suggestion for your SO to e-mail BM about the pick-ups is a smart one because that will give BM a sense of control over the situation.

It reminds me of something we tried last year and it worked a treat: uBPDmum always goes out of her way to interfere with FDH's visitation/withhold visitation/disrupt etc etc. (You can probably imagine it; uBPD being in the kids' ear all week about this awsome party that happens to fall in our weekend, and don't they want to go? And how their dad should be supportive of their chosen activities, after all they're not babies anymore, rarara... .  and off they go with BM to this awsome party... .  or not because a lot of those times it was only to disrupt our weekend so then uBPD takes them back home because she has a headache and they'll go to the party later... .  which of course doesn't happen). Therefore it is very stressful for us to plan anything with the girls because we never know if we'll actually get to take them to the event/on holidays etc. This has sometimes stopped us from planning things, just because the fun is already gone the moment we book it and we both hate it. And then last year we saw Katy Perry was coming and we really wanted to take the girls to the concert. I had a lightbulb moment and decided to use a bit of reversed psychology so I told the girls that we really wanted to book tickets but they had to first go and ask their mum if they could go, even though the concert fell in our weekend so we shouldn't have to. I explained to them that I still wanted them to run it by their mum because she regularly interrupts our visitation with her own events and stops them from coming to our place. These tickets are expensive so if we book it we don't want to be stuffed around. I just kept it factual, not emotional, and so off they went to ask their mum.

What else could she do but say 'Yes'? So we booked it and then the pressure was on her to not spoil this event for them, so simple! Perhaps she enjoyed a bit of a powertrip by being asked for her permission when we didn't have to, but I'm waaayyy past caring about that. She can think what she likes; good on her!

[ForeverDad]

I'm thinking two things.  First, how to deal with the next instance.  Can you keep a written authorization form with you or in your car so that if this happens again then YOU will be carrying Dad's written authorization.  Of course, probably good for Dad to call ahead and advise them of the substitution.

Second, Dad can inform the daycare that a parent cannot take the other parent's designee off the approved pickup list without official direction by the court and if the daycare still wants to allow the removal, then ALL designee's have to be removed.  Hmm.  That probably would cause problems if Dad has more than one designee.  And they'd both be rewriting that approved list over and over.  Double hmm.  I got it!   Dad informs daycare that due to the continuing conflict the daycare will have to maintain TWO approved pick-up lists, one for mother's pick-ups and the other for the father's pick-ups, and neither parent can edit the other parent's list.

By the way, I too deal with a very possessive mother that cannot relinquish control.  She too feels that if she relinquishes some of her parenting time then she gets to control every aspect of that relinquished time, only *I* can get him or have him.  I try to ignore it as much as I can but due to her past demands and threats, I have few people that are willing to get in the middle and help out if I can't do a pick-up.

Warning:  Too much conflict and the daycare could choose to Withdraw Services.  That happened to me with son's pediatrician, one daycare and almost another.

[Thunderstruck]

Good suggestions. 

Last week SO went to pick up D8 and one of the daycare workers pulled him aside. They told him BM had scratched off my name and had written "This woman is NOT to pick up my daughter". It appeared to SO like she may have made a scene, because the daycare worker seemed nervous about it. He asked how they handle a situation like this (I'm sure ours isn't the only case in the world where mom is jealous of dad's girlfriend). They didn't know, but gave him the name and number of someone to call and ask.

I dropped D8 off yesterday morning and signed her in with no trouble. I saw the head daycare worker and smiled and she smiled back. So... . maybe this won't be a huge sticking point once SO calls and gets things straightened out.

[ForeverDad]

The point to make is... .

Child in his care, his choices.  Child in her care, her choices.

If one parent gives time to the other, it has to come with no strings attached, no conditions, no terms, everything is up to the parent who actually will have responsibility for the child.

[Thunderstruck]

Yesterday... . BM asked SO to pick up D8 late in the day and he was stuck at work. He called daycare and told them I was coming. The head lady asked the director and his response was something like "We stay out of it. If there is no court order saying otherwise then as long as one of the parents say it's ok then it's ok." 

So I picked up D8 without any drama and all went smoothly. The head lady asked me if she was supposed to fight me or something.    She seems like a reasonable one.