Thinking about broaching the subject...

[Elfie]

[quick update/background - uBPD19 brother is currently in jail until sometime in June; he insists that he wants to go back to college and start summer school once he gets out]

uBPD brother's moods are really volatile, but of late (this week) he generally seems to be in a better, more positive frame of mind when he's called or written from jail. (of course, next week or tomorrow he could be in a spiral of despair again... .  but we take what we can get).

I found an article on Brandon Marshall (football player)'s personal struggle with BPD (apparently he's spoken at NAMI conventions before?) today, and it's a good, positive article (see here www.sports.yahoo.com/blogs/nfl-shutdown-corner/stronger-ever-brandon-marshall-learns-live-borderline-personality-231007042--nfl.html). My mom was thinking of printing it and another article or two on "dealing successfully with life difficulties" or something similar and sending them to my brother, sort of as a way to perhaps broach the subject of BPD/mental illness, or at least to give him some hope that people struggling with mental illness *can* be successful, are *not* worthless, etc.

Any thoughts on broaching the overall subject this way? uBPD brother has been diagnosed with severe depression before and seems to have sort of accepted that and/or that he has "issues" -at least some of the time (other times he's taken the "I'm fine!" road). Maybe reading some articles about successful people who have had similar struggles to him would be helpful... .  

Just some thoughts to run by here... .  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

I think it depends how the articles are presented but I think there is a way to send them to him... .  I think he probably has to time too to really read and digest the article too. I have read other posts from people on this site that say their pwBPD was doing better while in jail... .  the structure must be good for him. When he is out is his life real unorganized?

I think it is a good sign that he is looking to go back to school... .  shows he has some goals and that is a good thing. How does he plan to go back to school? How will he afford it? He is the one doing this or is he relying on others for help? It hink it is important that your b not be overwhelmed when he gets out. Maybe he shoud consider taking one or two classes to see how he manages before jumping all in... .  

Is he getting counseling in jail? I think that is key for recovery... .  

[Elfie]

jellibeans - I think that's what we were thinking - that now is a good time because he'd have time to read over and "digest" the articles, and that he'd actually read them and not just blow them off (since he doesn't have much else to read!). I think the structure in jail is good for him; he's doing work where he has to get up really early to help set up meal trays. Seems very structured with not a lot of true "down time". His life outside of the jail was pretty unstructured... .  it seems like he has a real problem creating structure for himself even when he wants to.

My parents plan to pay for school for him as long as he's in some kind of therapy (so they say, anyway... .  not sure how that will be enforced). I've tried to keep helping my parents talk and think through this, and I think the taking just one or two classes to start is really the best idea (I wonder if even that is pushing it, but you have to give people a chance... .  ).

He is not getting counseling in jail; as far as I know/he's said, there's not really a counseling service there? I brought up the idea of NAMI getting involved and going to talk to him, but my parents are afraid of him getting put into isolation, or something. I guess they're afraid to "stir things up".

[peaceandhope]

Can you mail books to jail?

[Elfie]

peaceandhope - I believe in some cases you can order books from online retailers (like Amazon) and have the books directly shipped to the person. This doesn't always work, though.

New news; just found out that brother will most likely be getting out as early as next week. Kind of a disappointing thing... .  at least he was "safe" and structured there, you know? Not sure what'll happen when he gets out.

[vivekananda]

Good luck Elfie.

I think the 'article' is excellent. If he has been responsive in the past... .  the difficulty is the desire that parents have to persuade their kid to get treatment. We so desperately want to make everything all better but can't. Instead of trying to persuade, we need to learn to validate.

I think the immediate concern for your parents is to establish a clear boundary for themselves over what they will pay for and how. Money is often a cause for a tug of war and if they are clear about what they can and will pay for and how it is to be done. Then that can help eliminate potential causes of pain and conflict. I have also found that there may be a need to be flexible about the boundaries - but you can only be flexible if you have a position from which you can negotiate. I hope that makes sense.

Can I suggest you get your parents 2 little books to read about . I have read the validation book and it is excellent. The other book comes highly recommended. I think you could get them cheaply online.

Good luck Elfie, I hope you, your brother, your parents and your family at large all get through this ok.

the importance of these skills and how to do it. I expect it will be revelatory for them. One book is the Lundbergs "I don't have to make everything all better", it's about validation; the other is "Boundaries - when to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life" by H. Cloud and J. Townsend.

Viv   

ps why are your parents prepared to pay for school, why not pay for therapy instead? If they decided to do that then it would be helpful to learn about the different treatments. DBT is the gold standard. Here is a link for some info on the different types of treatment. It is based on the latest research and was published just this month. See pp 55 - 58 of this pdf which you can download for free:

Clinical Practice Guideline for the Management of BPD (Aust)