If I leave, he'll never get better...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My husband has been on a cycle of verbal abuse since we got married 7 years ago.  He'd be fine (sometimes even great & very sweet/loving) for a few weeks, then have sevearl days of scolding me (not yelling or cursing so much, just scolding), and then he'd go back to normal.  During that hostile time period, I couldn't really talk to him or count on him for anything.  I finally filed for divorce, and it took that to wake him up.  Slowly, he has gotten into counseling and addressing the roots of his behavior and has confessed them all to me.  Which isn't easy for anyone.

He says if we get a divorce, he can't continue in the therapy.  He's right - neither of us will have a lot of money if we're paying two rents.  We live in an expensive area.  Plus, there's no incentive for him to keep going if he's lost me and the kids.  He will probably regress back into darkness after having this one chance at getting better.

He is addressing things that happened in his childhood and I see a change.  Yet, I also see him reverting to his old behaviors at times, which scares me.  I think it will take a long while for his changes to be more consistent.   At least when he's out of the house, I can walk away from his nonsense.

Getting back together also means years of family and individual therapy for all of us.  I suppose I could try it.  But if he gets scary again, I don't know if I can go through filing for divorce again, with all the heartbreak and pain and telling him to leave and all the tears.  Plus, he can more easily manipulate the kids if they're older.  Right now they are young.  So I will probably feel pretty trapped if he comes back.  

It's not just the verbal abuse that bothers me, it's that he lies about stuff, and that causes problems for all of us.

Yet, if he comes back home, there will be good times, even great times, and it's a nice feeling to think about actually committing to therapy with him - esp. if he agrees to stay in it.  We'd finally be on the same team.  I am having trouble just giving up on a marriage in general.  I don't know many divorced people.  Mostly families.  We get along pretty well when he's fine.  We have plenty in common. 

He has begged me not to end our marriage.  Says I'm the love of his life. It's hard not having a husband to support you (even sometimes).  I was sick last weekend and it would have been nice to have him there to help, or at least to whine to.

I think if it comes down to a choice, I prefer divorce to getting back together.  I can breathe now, I can be a good mom without worrying about offending him.  But I can think ahead to when I'm in my 50s, 60s, 70s, wondering where he is, feeling bad, and thinking how I was part of a family and now I'm just alone... .  and wondering if it would have been best for all of us to stick it out.

Worst of all, he'll stop therapy and proably never get into it again - in his entire life.  He'll go back to thinking things that aren't true, being angry about nonsense.  And he's the father of my children.  How easy would it be just to put all these things back together? This is his one chance to have a reason to get better.

I wish I knew ultimately what was best for me, him, and most of all our kids.  So yeah, having trouble detaching... .  

[momtara]

My husband has been on a cycle of verbal abuse since we got married 7 years ago.  He'd be fine (sometimes even great & very sweet/loving) for a few weeks, then have sevearl days of scolding me (not yelling or cursing so much, just scolding), and then he'd go back to normal.  During that hostile time period, I couldn't really talk to him or count on him for anything.  I finally filed for divorce, and it took that to wake him up.  Slowly, he has gotten into counseling and addressing the roots of his behavior and has confessed them all to me.  Which isn't easy for anyone.

He says if we get a divorce, he can't continue in the therapy.  He's right - neither of us will have a lot of money if we're paying two rents.  We live in an expensive area.  Plus, there's no incentive for him to keep going if he's lost me and the kids.  He will probably regress back into darkness after having this one chance at getting better.

He is addressing things that happened in his childhood and I see a change.  Yet, I also see him reverting to his old behaviors at times, which scares me.  I think it will take a long while for his changes to be more consistent.   At least when he's out of the house, I can walk away from his nonsense.

Getting back together also means years of family and individual therapy for all of us.  I suppose I could try it.  But if he gets scary again, I don't know if I can go through filing for divorce again, with all the heartbreak and pain and telling him to leave and all the tears.  Plus, he can more easily manipulate the kids if they're older.  Right now they are young.  So I will probably feel pretty trapped if he comes back.  

It's not just the verbal abuse that bothers me, it's that he lies about stuff, and that causes problems for all of us.

Yet, if he comes back home, there will be good times, even great times, and it's a nice feeling to think about actually committing to therapy with him - esp. if he agrees to stay in it.  We'd finally be on the same team.  I am having trouble just giving up on a marriage in general.  I don't know many divorced people.  Mostly families.  We get along pretty well when he's fine.  We have plenty in common. 

He has begged me not to end our marriage.  Says I'm the love of his life. It's hard not having a husband to support you (even sometimes).  I was sick last weekend and it would have been nice to have him there to help, or at least to whine to.

I think if it comes down to a choice, I prefer divorce to getting back together.  I can breathe now, I can be a good mom without worrying about offending him.  But I can think ahead to when I'm in my 50s, 60s, 70s, wondering where he is, feeling bad, and thinking how I was part of a family and now I'm just alone... .  and wondering if it would have been best for all of us to stick it out.

Worst of all, he'll stop therapy and proably never get into it again - in his entire life.  He'll go back to thinking things that aren't true, being angry about nonsense.  And he's the father of my children.  How easy would it be just to put all these things back together? This is his one chance to have a reason to get better.

I wish I knew ultimately what was best for me, him, and most of all our kids.  So yeah, having trouble detaching... .  

[Newton]

momtara ... .  whilst I appreciate all of your fears for yourself and your children (and I truly hope you maintain your focus on this)... .  your thread title... .  and the sentence "I am his one chance to have a reason to get better"... .  of your post sound very much like the (O)bligation part of FOG... .  

Do you think this is fair comment?... .  

[momtara]

It is a true statement, I believe.  And yes, it may also be part of obligation and guilt (yes, it definitely is), but I think it's true.  Let's not sugar coat it.  If he is out of his family, what's his point in getting therapy?  He functions fine at work.  It takes guts to examine yourself in that way.  Why do it if you've lost the thing you want most?

Also, i feel like I've made selfish decisions over the years.  Sometimes you do have to sacrifice for others.  In this case, though, it might be a big sacrifice.  If he comes back in the house, things would be great at first, but I don't know about long term.  It will take him years to learn to  not be hostile over little things.  I just feel really bad saying goodbye.

I just don't want anyone to be gentle with me - I want to really do the right thing.

[Newton]

It can certainly be a true statement... .  and also motivated from fear, obligation and/or guilt... .  

You are right, it takes incredible courage to self examine, re-visit past trauma and commit to that process week in, week out.  The results of that hard work are very uncertain for him and you and it may be a painfully slow journey.  It's great to have a catalyst for personal growth (and the fear of losing you may be that catalyst)... .  but he has to crave change for himself if it will last and stick.  It's not your responsibility or duty in life to "make" this happen.

Of course you want to do the "right" thing... .  but how are you evaluating what that is?... .  it sounds like your dissonance is arising from obligation and guilt in letting him down... .  versus protecting your kids and your hopes and dreams from what you deserve in a stable, sustainable relationship... .  

Many of us here were conditioned as children to feel responsible for others feelings, strive to be near perfect, not let people down who expected far too much from us.  When we encounter that same dynamic as adults it can motivate our behaviours to the detriment of our own welfare... .  does this resonate with you?... .  

[naloorider]

Hi momtara,

It sounds you are conflicted within yourself as to whether to reconcile or stay.  It's a tough decision.  As someone who is 5 years into a relationship with my dBPDgf, what struck me about your post is the effect it had on your husband when you filed for divorce.  That it woke him up and got him into treatment.  You drew a line in the sand (set a firm clear boundary) that you would not tolerate staying in the r/ship under these conditions.

Something similar happened in my r'ship whenever I've been clear that I'm not staying in the r/ship under these circumstances.  She wakes up and works hard on her stuff. 

She has done remarkably well, and is pretty much not at all the same person she was when we first met.  She is an awesome person that I love and admire and respect, and we mostly get along great.   I just want to put it out there that pwBPD who are determined to get well and do what they need to do, can get much, much better.  At the same time, the getting well part is not a straight line, there have been diversions, back tracks, bad days.  And lots of internal work for me dealing with all this. Don't regret any of it.

I think you should make your decision based on what YOU want for you and your family.  I wouldn't assume that if you leave, he'll never get better.  That's codependent thinking.  You have no way of knowing or controlling what he'll do. 

I don't try to predict my BPDgf's  behavior or motivations, but I have definitely noticed that my good boundary-setting, and taking care of myself -whatever that means- seems to make a big difference in her making better choices/decisions.  She was in a r/ship with a very codependent person for 15 years, and was a mess.  She tells me that me taking care of myself helps her clarify her decisions, because she is not worried about the effect on me. 

You mention that if it's just about making a choice, you'd just as soon leave.  And if that's right for you, then do it.  Don't stay to provide the reason for his treatment.  But I did want to offer a sliver of hope that things *could* get better.  You seem like the type of person that doesn't have too hard a time taking care of yourself - and with a pwBPD, that's a good thing :-)

Good luck 

naloorider

[naloorider]

It sounds you are conflicted within yourself as to whether to reconcile or stay. 

Ooops... .  meant reconcile or leave.

[nonidentifyingname]

I know exactly how you're feeling, except I'm not married to my BPDSO and we only have one child, who is very young. I'm in the same situation as you, where if I tell him I'm going to leave then he gets better, but only for a short period. Things seem to always regress. Basically, what you have to think about is what would be best for your kids first, and then you. You can't base your decision on your SO's feelings, partly because you can't know for sure whether the feelings are legitimate, over-exaggerated, etc. Don't worry about being alone; you never know how the future will turn out. I know financial needs are worrying, so before doing anything I would suggest you save money and find support from friends and family.

[Clearmind]

momtara, I understand it however also look from the other perspective - is your current situation helping - is he getting better? Are you happy?

Recovery is a very long road - are you willing to wait it out and have you reached that level of acceptance of the disorder where you can use the tools - to make it better.

What if he doesnt get into therapy? How long are you willing to be undecided for?

[marbleloser]

 I was the one to file also momtara.It's easier to get divorced now and back together later,if he decides to continue working on himself.If he doesn't,then you don't have to worry about it then.

[bewildered2]

if he is a borderline, then he has a better chance of getting better if he is on his own.

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