been feeling ok... then sms and :(

[tomjon78]

after feeling so confident and assured for a few days... .  she got my phone number and texted me a message:

I´will be training at your gym for the next year... .  and I do not understand why we can´t be friends and your anger is so overwhelming. You are friends with your former wife on facebook and you are shutting all contact with me... .  if that´s the way you wan´t to treat me I wil have to live with that... .  

This sms really still got me upset... .  Why why why!

[Clearmind]

tomjon, its likely her text is true. Its probably the contact that has you in knots - right?

What would you like to do?

[LoveNotWar]

Maybe because she's invaded your territory (your gym), portrayed herself as the victim and implied that you are treating her poorly. Poor baby... .  

[tomjon78]

I have to maintain NC and she managed to get my number... .  but i´m quite sure she is "doing the smear campaign" with my friends at the gym. I will not go there... .  (it´s a martial arts gym... .  i have been doing them for 20 years) and she suddenly got interested.

My T. says she could even possibly start do date someone who I know or make me jelaous... .  typical BPD behaviour... .  and this is clearly just to upset me... .  but she just doesn´t see it.

And I have to get some things to her apartment and I´m wondering if I should send someone to get them for me or not? What do you think?

[Lucky Jim]

Hi TomJon, Time to change gyms and get someone else to deliver the stuff?  Doubt she will stay at your gym for long if you are not there.  It looks like a ploy to me . . . . Try not to get caught up in the tangled web.  It's hard, but try to stay the course.

Hang in there, LJ

[Validation78]

Hi TomJon!

Many of us can totally relate to how you feel. I sure can! I am only triggered when I have to interact with stbx, that's obvious to me. So, I do LC, via email and business only, and will be totally NC once the divorce is over in few few weeks.

I know it sucks to have to make alterations in your routine, however, if that's what it takes to maintain your well being, do what it takes. Maybe she is doing a smear campaign. You know the truth, and so will your friends! As far as getting your things, I don't see why a friend couldn't do it, or at least go with you. I won't be alone with stbx. He will not engage me in a conversation, I won't allow it, and if it would trigger your emotions to see her, keep away!

Do what works for you, and don't worry about her perceptions of your behaviors. Take care of yourself!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[tomjon78]

Yes I am doing my best... .  I have gotten phonecalls and text messages for two days... .  long essays and "i love you" and i´ve hung up on her and not even read the long texts... .  I will continue with the NC and hope she will give up... .  this is really draining and tiring and i´m so fed up.

[babyducks]

after feeling so confident and assured for a few days... .  she got my phone number and texted me a message:

I´will be training at your gym for the next year... .  and I do not understand why we can´t be friends and your anger is so overwhelming. You are friends with your former wife on facebook and you are shutting all contact with me... .  if that´s the way you wan´t to treat me I wil have to live with that... .  

This sms really still got me upset... .  Why why why!

When I put this message through my BPD decoder ring this is what I get as a translation.

I will be training at your gym for the next year

because I am not very good at respecting borders or boundaries and I feel better about me when I am in your space.

and I do not understand why we can't be friends

because I don't really think other people's emotions are valid or real because they are so much smaller and quieter than mine.

and your anger is so overwhelming

see once again this is all your fault and I am more than happy to point out how screwed up you are.

you are friends with your former wife

but you won't be with me so clearly this means you never really cared about me at all.

I will have to learn to live with that

which I have no idea how to do because I have very poor coping skills.

an emotionally healthy ex probably would have sent a message that read a little more like

While I am not a part of your life any longer I will be working out at XYZ gym for a while.   Since our split was not so amicable I just want to let you know that we might bump into each.  I am sure we can do that without causing any problems. 

[tomjon78]

thank you babyduck for this

[apple]

after feeling so confident and assured for a few days... .  she got my phone number and texted me a message:

I´will be training at your gym for the next year... .  and I do not understand why we can´t be friends and your anger is so overwhelming. You are friends with your former wife on facebook and you are shutting all contact with me... .  if that´s the way you wan´t to treat me I wil have to live with that... .  

This sms really still got me upset... .  Why why why!

When I put this message through my BPD decoder ring this is what I get as a translation.

I will be training at your gym for the next year

because I am not very good at respecting borders or boundaries and I feel better about me when I am in your space.

and I do not understand why we can't be friends

because I don't really think other people's emotions are valid or real because they are so much smaller and quieter than mine.

and your anger is so overwhelming

see once again this is all your fault and I am more than happy to point out how screwed up you are.

you are friends with your former wife

but you won't be with me so clearly this means you never really cared about me at all.

I will have to learn to live with that

which I have no idea how to do because I have very poor coping skills.

an emotionally healthy ex probably would have sent a message that read a little more like

While I am not a part of your life any longer I will be working out at XYZ gym for a while.   Since our split was not so amicable I just want to let you know that we might bump into each.  I am sure we can do that without causing any problems. 

I can't wait to get my BPD decoder ring. I've eaten enough fruity pebbles so I think its in the mail and should arrive any day now! 

[tomjon78]

UPDATE !

I went to a bar last night. She was there so I went home right away and went to sleep because I was upset seeing her.

Then at 4.am ... .  3 hours later she was in my apartment... .  climbed up the balcony and got in there through the balcony door... .  so I woke up with her standing in front of my bed!

I was fast asleep and I decided intsead of making a big scene, that she should just sleep in my bed... .  since she was drunk.

I woke up 6. am and and then she woke up 10.am and we had sex   and I feel so ashamed and embarrased for that. It is like she has a magic spell on me or something ... .  she wanted to talk and I said that I would not communicate with her like I have also been doing... .  

She was begging me to give her a chance all until 2. pm and I lied that I  had a meeting to get away... .  I had a big panic attack in the morning and I´m feeling so so bad.

She messed me up and she says she knows that she has done a lot of awful things and is willing to do anything to get me back... .  

I feel so messed up right now.

[babyducks]

UPDATE !

Then at 4.am ... .  3 hours later she was in my apartment... .  climbed up the balcony and got in there through the balcony door... .  so I woke up with her standing in front of my bed!

Ooh tomjon.

She climbed into your apartment through the balcony?  Essentially broke into your bedroom?   

To me that is concerning on many different levels. 

I know the senior members will post with helpful ideas but I just wanted to say from one person in recovery to another, 

Put yourself first.   

Your physical safety. 

Your peace of mind.   

Your serenity.   

Your deserve a relationship where you and your boundaries are respected.

You do not deserve to be used, manipulated or bullied.

Please take very good care of yourself.   

[TippyTwo]

How many posts do you have to make to get a decoder ring?

Thank you babyducks. The decoding messages were so spot on it made me spew coffee.

[tomjon78]

Now I´m getting text messages... .  

"don´t leave me"

"I love you"

and the last one : "can i come over and make love to you"

What a mess!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey TomJon, I'm w/babyducks . . . be careful . . . those w/BPD have little or no respect for boundaries and are experts at manipulation (e.g., using sex to ramp up the obligation and guilt) . . . so give yourself some space to think through what is happening here.  I've been in your shoes, friend, believe me.  I'm sure you can come up with plenty of rationalizations (e.g., she was drunk) but the bottom line is that it's not OK for anyone to barge into your place at 4:00 a.m.  Think hard about what's going on here.  In my view, you're treading on thin ice so take good care of yourself.  LJ

[tomjon78]

Thank you for your support... . it´s been very hard. I have panic attacks and I´ve now taken a few days off from work to get some rest. I´m trying to get her to sign papers so my apartment which was above hers will be sold tomorrow and I will meet her tonight to sign. I moved out there in december.

She actually can make this very hard if she doesn´t sign and when that is over I will be in a better position.

But she is showing typical BPD behaviour... . for the like 20 th time she says she knows what she has done wrong and wants to prove that she has changed and said she will not give up on me  ... . but I know I don´t want this even though I miss her, love her and I wish things hadn´t gone the way they went. I´ve tried to tell her that I can not forgive her and I will not continue having contact with her but she just is not dealing with that.

But I´ve been hurt so bad, manipulated emotionally and financially and feeling really tired. I feel so guilty after having sex with her... . it was like I couldn´t say no to her... .

But I have to play some mind games with her to keep her "good" while the financial issues are cleared.

I´m seeing my T. and he said I did very well in this situation but when all loose ends are solved I will be in a better position to block her from my life... . But it could take some time... . she will continue and not give up.

I´m even thinking of starting do date anybody to make her stop, even though I have no longing or self confidence for dating right now.

I feel so bad but I am trying my best!