Annoying, double standard (Adult content)

[Chosen]

If you've seen my post yesterday, uBPDh was annoyed and irritated, which stopped for a bit but started again somewhat before we go to bed (he likes picking a fight before bedtime, and in the past I would be blissfully unaware and fall into the trap).  He was calling me selfish, stubborn, etc. and I just responded, "Hmm", "I see"... .  you know?  The stuff which he won't like (because I'm not actually responding) but he can't really accuse me of.  He went on for a bit and I asked him for specific examples, which he never gives, just say, "You are like that.  Your whole person.  All the time."  And then I will just say "I see."  You know what, whatever.  I don't see it that way but I can't be bothered to change his views on me.  He can see me however he wants.  

I knew he wanted sex, and started touching him (even though I was really tired and also kind of broken down by the stuff he repeated throughout the day).  He brushed me off and bluntly said, "I'd rather have an obedient wife than sex."  Ok, so I don't think anything I did yesterday was disobedient, but when he's in a mood he talks about the distant past and stuff, and of course paints me black.  So I just rolled over and went to bed.

I was woken up by him touching me and trying to take off my clothes, etc.  He knows that when I go to bed, I need to sleep.  And I was already asleep at that time so yes, he woke me.  I was also have stomach discomforts at the time.  I didn’t open my eyes and tried to ignore him, but he persisted.  Finally I started touching him back, but I was still half-asleep (if that happened to me a few years back I would have shouted at him, really.).  I must have breathed loudly or something, but suddenly he brushed me off and said why must I act like I didn’t want it and complain (I didn’t)?  Why must I sigh when I’m doing this (I wasn’t, I was breathing and sleeping, darn it!) ?  Then thankfully he went to bed because he got angry so I didn’t have to deal with him.  

I’m angry.  There was a time he was already asleep and I tried to give him a kiss, which woke him up, and he threw a tissue box to the wall and I lie there shivering next to him for an hour.  Needless to say, once he lies down I don’t touch him again.  And he thinks it’s ok to wake me up from my sleep (because when I offered sex he was too busy complaining about me), that I must always be ready and happy even though I’ve been woken up, and he has the nerve to say I was complaining and resenting him when I never said a word?

He didn’t mention it again today.  I don’t know whether I should.  A part of me wants to tell him not to do that in future, but a larger part of me knows it will not work and thinks I should let it go.

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[GreenMango]

Chosen I've been reading your posts.  Your husband seems a little hung up on this whole obedient wife thing and playing that card.

A couple of things if you don't feel like having sex its important to follow that.  Rewarding his tantrums because its easier than listening to his whining about how you aren't fulfilling his fantasies of what an ideal does just reinforces that he will get his way if he escalates this.

I do understand the fear factor involved though considering his past physical actions.

This us going to take some problem solving on your part (things you can do for you to make your sleep quality etc better) if you want to stay.

And yes the double standards are frustrating.  So frustrating.

So what's the plan?

[waverider]

I think you are going to have to establish some ground rules and boundaries in this department.

Otherwise you will be caught out making reactionary decisions at times when you are vulnerable, not to mention half awake.

Maybe because you have removed a lot of his controlling power in other areas he is starting assert his authority via this method

[Chosen]

What I think happened was that when I tried to make a move, he was still in a mood, so he refused.  Point is, it wasn't because I didn't want it; it was because he'd rather complain about me at that time rather than be intimate.

I think next time I will just tell him I'm sleeping, "wait till tomorrow", to let him know that it's not ok to wake me like that (especially when just a while ago he was given this chance, and he didn't treasure it!).  He's not going to like it but then again, it may kill off the steam enough so he will leave me alone... .   

[raindancer]

Chosen

he likes picking a fight before bedtime"

"I knew he wanted sex, and started touching him (even though I was really tired and also kind of broken down by the stuff he repeated throughout the day).  He brushed me off and bluntly said, "I'd rather have an obedient wife than sex." "

"I was woken up by him touching me and trying to take off my clothes, etc.  He knows that when I go to bed, I need to sleep

I'm not good at the quote thing yet - I'll get there... .  

Anyway, I picked those bits because to me they show a control/power struggle issue for him. He starts a fight before bed because he wants to see if you'll still have sex (gives him power by breaking you down), he rebuffs your advances (gives him power by making you feel rejected), he tries to take what he wants when he decides he wants it (gives him power by forcing you to be obedient). See what I mean?

That's what I see in this... .  

I think you are going to have to establish some ground rules and boundaries in this department. WR

100% agree with Waverider.

The thing with power struggles are they escalate and the person wanting the power will push a little bit harder until they think they've gotten it. In my eyes, your SO is feeling like he's lost power over you somewhere else (verbally, emotionally - you did not respond to his efforts to start a fight) so he is now turning to sex to feel dominant. Scary territory. I completely understand fear, and I completely understand that it's easier to give in than face aggression - lived it a long time.

He's not going to like it but then again, it may kill off the steam enough so he will leave me alone... .  

Or it could put you in a situation that escalates... .  

Don't wait to see how it goes tonight - read about boundaries and how to communicate in the lessons, as well as "Before you can make anything better, you must stop making it worse" in the articles. The best tools you can have are being prepared, understanding and knowledge... .  it's more knowing about yourself and your reactions than knowing and controlling him. The only person you can control is you, if you do that well, he can't take your power.

[byasliver]

Without going into too much personal detail, I want to second the warnings you are getting about the need for boundaries here. My uBPDh started out with some of the behaviors you mentioned and I did not set boundaries as quickly as I should. The result was a few instances where things went way too far before I set boundaries. Now that I have, there is still so much damage to overcome. Thankfully, this is one area my H seems to be at least tolerant or understanding and even at times, both. Sex and power are combined, some really ugly things can result and that is just something that should be avoided. Sex is supposed to be a mutually enjoyed experience - not a power struggle.