Grades came in - I feel like he destroyed everything

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

As a few of you know, I'm a college student and the semester just ended, as did my relationship with a man who I suspect suffers from BPD.  This semester was rough, and I did not expect to see the grades that I am used to.  However, seeing them was a tough blow to take.  I received my first "C" and my first ":)" since starting my academic career.  To put it mildly, it sucks.  The first person I thought about when I saw them was my former boyfriend.  I know it isn't his fault because I made the decision not to study, to stay up late and talk to him due to the time difference, to stay in bed because I was too depressed after we had argued, etc.  I am responsible for my own life, but I can't help but to wish I had never dated him in the first place.  Before him, I had never skipped class.  I had never been abused verbally or emotionally by any man I dated.  I had never felt so low…so small…like the dirt at the bottom of his shoe.  I had never loved and hated someone at the same time.

Things with him were perfect at first, and now I'm here with horrible grades, no boyfriend, and a bunch of anger that I want to unleash.  I ask myself "How would he react if you were to tell him how much he has affected you?"  I think he would enjoy it.  He wants me to suffer, and now he has his wish.  That makes me so angry and bitter.  I don't want him to win.  I allowed him to get into my head and mess up one of the few good things I had going for myself.  I know I can start over next semester, but it irks me to know that I allowed him to have such an awful effect on my life.  My advisor says it'll be alright, and that we're all allowed to have one off semester, but I don't like that.  I don't want to be reminded of this awful, dark period in my life.  It's like every time I look at my transcript or remember this semester, I'll have a reminder of everything that has happened.  It's like it makes it that much more "real."  Someone will ask me "So what happened here?"  What's my answer?  "I was in an abusive relationship and pretty much neglected any and everything else in my life because I was too emotionally/mentally exhausted." 

It feels like he came into my life and destroyed everything, and now he's over there having a great time with his new girlfriend or whatever girl he is dating, thousands of miles away and having the time of his life.  I'm sorry for ranting.  I just feel like such a loser.  I know I'll be okay though.  I just needed to get some things off of my chest.

[Sango216]

As a few of you know, I'm a college student and the semester just ended, as did my relationship with a man who I suspect suffers from BPD.  This semester was rough, and I did not expect to see the grades that I am used to.  However, seeing them was a tough blow to take.  I received my first "C" and my first ":)" since starting my academic career.  To put it mildly, it sucks.  The first person I thought about when I saw them was my former boyfriend.  I know it isn't his fault because I made the decision not to study, to stay up late and talk to him due to the time difference, to stay in bed because I was too depressed after we had argued, etc.  I am responsible for my own life, but I can't help but to wish I had never dated him in the first place.  Before him, I had never skipped class.  I had never been abused verbally or emotionally by any man I dated.  I had never felt so low…so small…like the dirt at the bottom of his shoe.  I had never loved and hated someone at the same time.

Things with him were perfect at first, and now I'm here with horrible grades, no boyfriend, and a bunch of anger that I want to unleash.  I ask myself "How would he react if you were to tell him how much he has affected you?"  I think he would enjoy it.  He wants me to suffer, and now he has his wish.  That makes me so angry and bitter.  I don't want him to win.  I allowed him to get into my head and mess up one of the few good things I had going for myself.  I know I can start over next semester, but it irks me to know that I allowed him to have such an awful effect on my life.  My advisor says it'll be alright, and that we're all allowed to have one off semester, but I don't like that.  I don't want to be reminded of this awful, dark period in my life.  It's like every time I look at my transcript or remember this semester, I'll have a reminder of everything that has happened.  It's like it makes it that much more "real."  Someone will ask me "So what happened here?"  What's my answer?  "I was in an abusive relationship and pretty much neglected any and everything else in my life because I was too emotionally/mentally exhausted." 

It feels like he came into my life and destroyed everything, and now he's over there having a great time with his new girlfriend or whatever girl he is dating, thousands of miles away and having the time of his life.  I'm sorry for ranting.  I just feel like such a loser.  I know I'll be okay though.  I just needed to get some things off of my chest.

[clairedair]

HI Sango

I'm guessing that you are used to much better grades - hopefully, now that you are out of this all-consuming, draining relationship, you will be able to start getting the good grades again.  From what your advisor says, sounds like you'll be able to get back on track.

The anger is understandable - many here have been left with debts, lost good jobs, had to face rebuilding relationships with family and friends etc whilst ex has seemingly sailed off into sunset with new love/new life.  You'd have to be a robot not to feel some anger and bitterness in those circumstances so don;t beat yourself up about feeling this way.

Getting things off your chest and having a rant here will allow you to safely disperse some of that anger and hopefully you will soon get to a stage where you are thinking more about your exciting future and working towards that without any distraction.

I know I'll be okay though.

Good that you can see that even in the midst of everything you are feeling now.

[paperlung]

My grades suffered as well from dating my ex. While studying for my finals back in December, I had found out via checking her Skype that she was cheating on me; I was a wreck and could barely focus on studying. It wasn't until after my finals that I confronted her, but boy... .  was I ever just hanging on by a thread.

She even used to make me miss classes because she was feeling lonely/anxious/depressed and needed my company. Sheesh!

[Sango216]

Hello clairedair.

Yes, before I started dating him, I had never received below a B-.  I have let myself down, as well as my parents.  I can't wait to start over and put this behind me.  I'm trying to look at the bright side of things though.  At least now I will have a reminder of how toxic this relationship has been, and I can use this memory to prevent things like this from happening again.

[Sango216]

Hello paperlung.

I'm sorry to hear that you experienced something similar.  It's amazing how they can make requests like that and we just go along with it, and then in the end we're the ones who have to face the consequences.

[snappafcw]

I feel so bad for my BPDexgf but I am human and sometimes I feel the same way. For months my focus went on her and her problems I tried to do everything for her and in the end my reward was her leaving me and replacing me.

It had effected my friendships. None of them really understood and I suppose I couldn't expect them to. My work also suffered. My motivation all left me i was an empty shell for a good couple of months after it happened. its now 4 months since we broke up and just over 2 months NC. Seems like she is happy in the sunset with her new man. I saw a photo or two of her and it appears her image has completely changed ect which i guess comes with the mirroring. I suppose now I feel a little better but the hurt still effects me in day to day life and I feel very alone.

[Sango216]

Hello snappafcw!

I can relate to that "empty shell" phase.  All I wanted to do was stay cooped up in my room, and no one was allowed in.  I was rude to everyone and I went days without speaking to the people I see everyday:  my family.  It hurts to feel yourself withdrawing from people like that.  In order to get past it, I found that it helped to surround myself with people... .  friends, family, etc... .  even if you don't really feel like being around others.  I know it seems stupid, being around people if you don't want to be, but it helps.  Trust me.  Call up some of those friends you haven't seen in a while.  It takes your mind off of things.  I felt myself drifting away from the people who cared the most about me, so I made an effort to talk to them more, and I apologized for the way I had been acting.  I feel our relationships gradually getting back to where they used to be.

Your ex seemed like she was "happy" with you too at first, right?  Remember that.  One thing we have to remind ourselves is that while they may look like they're doing okay, they will never be able to sustain long-term healthy relationships unless they face their issues.  That's what I tell myself when I get upset thinking about my ex being with someone else.  Eventually he will treat her the same way he treated me.  Hopefully she's smart enough to walk away.

Now is the time to focus on YOU!  We tend to lose ourselves in the hustle and bustle of trying to "fix" our lovers.  Losing friends, not talking to those we care about, withdrawing ourselves, that's all a part of it.  Now's the time to get reacquainted with yourself.  Imagine life before your ex... .  remember how hard-working you were, what you used to do for fun, etc.  Try and get back into those things, and please remember that you are definitely not alone. 

Good luck!

[snappafcw]

Thank you so much for your reply everything was spot on. I've slowly been doing things for myself again its just my walls are firmly back up I find it hard to trust people again. it's amazing how the person you care about the most can cause you so much pain. Despite this all I want for her is to be happy I've prayed so much for her. I just wish it wasn't at my expense

[Buzz77]

Sango,

I can relate; saw my grad school grades totally drop when in the thick of my rltp. w/ ex BPD. Mentally stressed and exhausted, I didn't sleep good or eat well. Was also hardly present w/ other classmates and friends. In hindsight, I wasn't me... .  

From your posts, you sound smart, compassionate, independent, strong. Know that this is just one semester -- a very small blip in the gestalt that is one's life. Indeed you have your whole life ahead of you, and now you are all the wiser from your experience (I know it is hard to see the silver lining at this point). You can or rather "will" travel, meet new friends, try new jobs/careers, date, fall in love w/ someone amazing, have fun, read great books, eat delectable foods, reconnect w/ old friends, take up a new passion/hobby... .  there's infinite moments, adventures, and chapters ahead... .  approach it all w/ lessons luckily learned         

[Sango216]

Hello there Buzz77.

Thank you for your kind words.  I appreciate the support.  This morning I woke up and cried, and I showed my mother my grades.  She was very encouraging and told me exactly what you did:  it's just one semester.  She said I've done well throughout my entire academic career, and I will continue to do so in the future.  I'm excited to move forward.  At first I thought that me getting these grades meant that my ex won, but now I don't believe that's true.  I'm not miserable... .  deep down, he is.  He will continue to be as long as he refuses to address his issues.  You're right.  I've learned valuable lessons from this experience.  Those grades will be a reminder of what happens when I lose sight of what really matters, and they will ensure that I never go back to him in the event that he tries to reenter my life.

[Clearmind]

Sango216, can you apply for special circumstances?

[Sango216]

Clearmind,

I'm not familiar with that.  What does that entail?

[Clearmind]

Clearmind,

I'm not familiar with that.  What does that entail?

My parents separated in my first year of University and I applied for "special consideration" - for folks who feel they were at a disadvantage which may have impacted on their study or performance at school - you can apply to have that disadvantage taken into account

Worth talking to your counsellor/college advisor and explain you were in an abusive relationship - your prior grades show your potential.

[Sango216]

Clearmind,

Wow.  I've never heard of that before.  I suppose I could try, but one of my advisors is aware of what happened (at least part of it) and she tried her best to pull strings for me.  I think I'm just going to accept the situation for what it is and use these grades as a reminder of why I should never go back to him or allow him into my life.  If anything, they'll motivate me to do better.  Thank you for the suggestion though!