What a revelation, I've finally found it

[angeldust1]

Last night I'm reading posts,  and "validating" my own feelings about what I am going through,  and one of you said something about how important [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url] is.  I know what the word meant,  but not in the context that deals with BPD.  I typed in [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url] in the search bar and found a wealth of information on how to handle [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url] w/regards to my pwBPD.  I was so in awe of what I heard and read,  I could hardly sleep.  I then realize why I have been give this time away from pwBPD, and Vivgood gave me some really good advice.   God has given me  time to rest,  learn and recoperated from all the pain I've felt.  But most importantly,  the things I personally was doing wrong.  [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]Validation[/b][/url] is key to success,  when a person feels heard they want to listen as well. 

Just the day before I'd had a problem with my vehicle and felt I'd been treated unfairly.  I decided I'd call the complaint dept.  and the woman kept saying I understand... .  I'd feel the same way if that had happen to me. I really understand!  I remember calling and was ready to give whomever answered the business,  but after she was so empathtic to me,  my whole feelings changed.

Then the revelation,  this is how our pwBPD feels all the time.  They need to,  not only be heard,  they need us to let them know we hear thier feelings,  so that we are "believeable" to them.  Their minds are wired differently,  they are more anxious,  and draw conclusions when the conclusion may well be the worng one.  They then tend to "go off" on us,  and we react.

We are not the ill one,  they are,  and we have to find patience,  which I'm ver short on , empathy,  and puting our mind in gear before our mouth in motion.  I'm a person who just reacts,  and I'm going to have to learn how to take my time.  I'm still a little scared to use [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url] until I'm comfortable with it.  I tend to sound robotic,  and that the last thing I want to be.  It has to be believeable,  for him to... .  well believe me.   I'm learning... .  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Eclaire5]

That was a wonderful revelation. Sometimes getting even a small glimpse of what our children go through can help with this process. Validation does not come naturally at the beginning, especially if we still feel hurt or resentful for the way they have treated us, but the more we try to practice it, the easier it gets.

[lbjnltx]

Wonderful insight and experience angeldust1!

Here is the most clearly written instruction manual on validation I have found in existence:

I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better by Gary and Joy Lundberg

It is available, used, online for a small price... .  worth it's weight in platinum I think.

 

lbjnltx

[vivekananda]

Angeldust 

I would like to welcome you with open arms to our community. You have crossed a bridge. I am so pleased for you that you have come to appreciate what validation is about.

Me, I am a slow processer, it took me a bit of time to comes to grips with the basics. It required a fair bit of soul searching to be able to look back with clearer eyes. On the other hand, you seem like a quick learner!

I learnt with validation that there are lots of levels of understanding too. And then putting it into practise is a whole new ball game indeed. Then as I learnt more and practised more, I could see how all the concepts we hear bandied about here all fit in together to create a path for us to a level of happiness for ourselves, in spite of the hurt and pain with our child w pbd.

especially big    today,

Viv   

ps the Lundberg's book lbj recommends is a big eye opener... .  it's excellent for us.

[angeldust1]

Thanks to all of your for the high praise,  but I'm not there yet.  Haven't even used it yet,  but have a pretty good idea of the concept.  I of course and a bit afraid,  but I will practice it.  I told my dh today about it and he agreed that it would most likely work with him. 


Just today I had to do something I said I would do,  but did not really want to. I Just can't say no.   I used a little validation and I felt a lot better.  The other person still tried to make me feel guilty,  but I refused to take it on.  Its not exactly the same subject,  but I am learning I just don't have to do things just because someone asks.  And it was a biggie,  that would have enfringed on a whole day of mine that I had off,  and I wasn't willing to give up.  I pondered it,  but made the right decision and called her back.  I'm so glad I did.

I think in all of this,  we find a little of ourselves that we didn't even know about.  I know I read read and read,  and post.  It helps to gain knowledge and to vent when we need to.  This forum is wonderful.

[peaceandhope]

Angeldust, you are inspiring me a lot.

Iam still trying to untangle the web bit by bit.

Iam learning a lot on this forum, but I know to put things into practice it will take time.

Iam not angry at my dd. I feel sad for her. At the same time, I do not ever want her to put foot in my house. I will b ethere for her from a distance. I don't know if it is right approach or not, but this is what I can do at this point in my life.

peaceandhope

[qcarolr]

Iam not angry at my dd. I feel sad for her. At the same time, I do not ever want her to put foot in my house. I will b ethere for her from a distance. I don't know if it is right approach or not, but this is what I can do at this point in my life.

This is a good example of keeping a boundary that protects you and your values that balances your feelings of sadness and the grieving we are all going through.

I find that when I make decisions, out of the goodness of my heart, that make sense at the time, that include what are reasonable EXPECTATIONS to me leads to a big burst of anger from DD. It sets her up for distress when she cannot meet my expectations, and sets me up for anger in my disappointment. disappoinment in both myself for getting caught up in this cycle again, and disappoinment for the anguish DD goes through.

My DD26 cannot be in our home, or our cars, right now either. She is too volatile and on the edge of becoming violent and dangerous. It is hard to be sincere, express my concerns for her and not be angry and judgmental toward her in these circumstances. I am keeping my boundaries intact - pretty short on the validation for both myself and for her.

qcr