Well I have the message waiting in my inbox...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

'hey hows things?'

I feel absolutely torn on what to do, its only been a couple of months!

:'(

[Mightyhammers]

'hey hows things?'

I feel absolutely torn on what to do, its only been a couple of months!

:'(

[Validation78]

Hey Mighty!

Have you decided that you want NC? If yes, why respond at all? If no, what do you want to come of this?

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Mightyhammers]

Well I know now what Im dealing with, so have played things down. We were chatting away like we were never apart, so Im very wary. I hardly asked about anything that had gone on the last few months, and she was the same. I actually dont feel good or bad that shes been in touch, just indifferent I guess?

I honestly didnt think she would be back in touch so soon tough... .  

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Mighty, If I had a hammer . . .  (Just kidding).  Of course your BPD Ex is back in touch -- that's what persons w/BPD do to alleviate their fear of abandonment and to find a shoulder to project on.  My suggestion is that you tread very carefully here.  Why the guilt over the message?  Why not let the message sit there for a day, a week, a month, without any knee-jerk need to respond?  Do you really want to open old wounds?  Good luck figuring this one out, Lucky Jim

[Clearmind]

Listen to your body/gut not your emotions. Hanging onto hope that she is any different will keep you back.

Change your perception of her and you will free yourself.

She is emotionally immature and we expect way too much - let it go!

[bewildered2]

can you remember how she made you feel before?

do you want to feel that way again?

are you really indifferent?

what have you learned in the last two months about yourself?

b2

[Mightyhammers]

What took me back was not that she was back in touch ( I expected it ), but the timing of it – I didn’t expect it so soon? That was what took me by surprise

We had a very informal chat, we didn’t touch on us at all which is good because I didn’t want to. I didn’t give up any information about what had been going on with me since we split, and I didn’t get the feeling yet she was fishing for it. Im not going to get emotionally involved with her again ( yeah I know that’s easier said than done ), not that I now know what Im dealing with

[Mightyhammers]

can you remember how she made you feel before?

do you want to feel that way again?

are you really indifferent?

what have you learned in the last two months about yourself?

b2

Hello

Well she made me feel great when we first met, and then like prolly everyone else posting on here she made me feel awful

The last 2 months I feel Ive really ‘manned up’ and have been investing lots of time in myself, and I have no reason for this not to continue

I guess Ill only know if Im completely indifferent if I actually saw her in person – will this happen? I really don’t know

I wont be initiating contact with her anyway so we’ll see what her next move is I guess…... .

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, Mighty,

If I can jump in here again, I would suggest that the next move, if any, is up to you, not her.  You are in the driver's seat here, my friend.  If you don't want to see or hear from her, you don't have to, so let's start with the decision about your next move.  What do you want to see happen next, if anything?  Listen to your gut feelings!  Lucky Jim

[Mightyhammers]

Hi all

well we've been having some pretty light conversation over the weekend, I just suggested to her that maybe we should meet up with me going to see her the coming weekend - the first thing she said was 'we're not getting back together', this took me back a bit ( not that I want to ) and got me thinking as to why shes got back in contact with me? strange

[bewildered2]

so she is still playing her hurtful games.

how nice.

b2

[Mightyhammers]

so she is still playing her hurtful games.

how nice.

b2

it just struck me as really strange - why would she get in touch with me and not want to see me? I also forgot to add, when we were talking ( I say talking, it was on FB ) she sent me loads of pictures of herself and family from the last couple of months that we've been apart, this is just an attention seeker right?

[bewildered2]

what she is doing to you is called a "recycle".

she wants to know if you are still on the line.

and she wants you to chase her.

all designed to make her feel good and in demand.

the likely explanation is that she isnt getting the attention she wants from other sources, so she's trying you.

if you ignore her then she'll try harder.

but she knows you, and when you answer her, she knows you are still available to her, so she doesnt want you.

borderlines love people when they are unavailable. but once they have you, they dont want you anymore.

it's called mental illness for a reason.

b2

[GreenMango]

It seems like a lot is on your mind and some questions for her about what happened and why she is contacting you.

Since you've talked already why not posit some of these questions to her.  I know I became an awful communicator in these situations because it was confusing.

It's okay to say I'm confused to why you contacted me.  Maybe you can help me understand considering what's happened before.

Her response will be telling.  

[Mightyhammers]

the likely explanation is that she isnt getting the attention she wants from other sources, so she's trying you.

This is exactly what I thought was happening! thanks

[Mightyhammers]

It seems like a lot is on your mind and some questions for her about what happened and why she is contacting you.

Since you've talked already why not posit some of these questions to her.  I know I became an awful communicator in these situations because it was confusing.

It's okay to say I'm confused to why you contacted me.  Maybe you can help me understand considering what's happened before.

Her response will be telling.  

Hello

Yeah I have a few things to put to her, but I would rather do it face to face. Im not gonna get locked into another drawn out text argument with her I refuse to. Btw we were just having a light chat via FB yesterday morning and I haven’t been back to her since, as said above Im pretty sure shes just after the attention right now

[GreenMango]

I'm a big believer that face to face is better on important stuff.  Maybe check out SET - from the staying board tools.  It's a good straightforward communication tool.  That with JADE could help.

You are entitled to ask those questions.  The answers may not be what you expect - but they will give you some footing on how to proceed for yourself.

Have you thought about what your expectations were with all this?

[bondafc]

Hi Mr. Mighty;

What is your expected/hoped for end-game in this?

Your bad feelings will just keep coming... .

It really never gets better.

The BPD that always struggles to the surface and wins the day.

Do you really want/need this chaos in your life?

The weird (dis-respectful) stuff really happened.

It really was that bad.

Oh, and that crap doesn't happen is a ""normal" relationship with a healthy woman. It just doesn't.

If you don't have kids with her, why bother with the drama?

You owe her nothing.

NC and time will heal this... . Just give it more time.

[Mightyhammers]

You owe her nothing.

absolutely this.

I guess at the minute Im just curious as to why she contacted me so soon, and why she said straight out 'we arent getting back together' and yet she keeps messaging me. Like I said I dont want a 'virtual' conversation with her, would much rather do it in person

[tailspin]

Hammers,

I solved this problem by tagging my ex's emails as junk because that's exactly what they are.

I could care less why he contacted me after all this time.  I'm not interested in him and that's all I need to know. Since our breakup I've focused on surrounding myself with people who have the qualities and values I admire. Returning his contact would be counterproductive to what I want.

While my ex may be a nice guy deep down, I'm no longer interested in dealing with the fallout from a mental illness that he has no desire to take responsibility for or do anything about.

We each have to weigh what we hope to gain with what we have to lose by re-connecting with our ex's again. We've already lost so much.  It takes great mental strength and discipline not to begin the crazy dance again.  Be careful you know exactly where you are when the music stops.

tailspin

[Mightyhammers]

Hi All

I feel Im a lot better equipped knowing what I know now when conversing with her, I dont think Im going to bring up the subject of what I think is wrong with her when ( if? ) I get to see her face to face

btw all conversations with her she is initiating right now, and today she has not been in touch. Im not feeling bad about not getting in touch with her so I guess I must be feeling better about myself... .

[bewildered2]

I could care less why he contacted me after all this time.  I'm not interested in him and that's all I need to know. Since our breakup I've focused on surrounding myself with people who have the qualities and values I admire. Returning his contact would be counterproductive to what I want.

While my ex may be a nice guy deep down, I'm no longer interested in dealing with the fallout from a mental illness that he has no desire to take responsibility for or do anything about.

We each have to weigh what we hope to gain with what we have to lose by re-connecting with our ex's again. We've already lost so much.  It takes great mental strength and discipline not to begin the crazy dance again.  Be careful you know exactly where you are when the music stops.

tailspin

great, great advice.

b2

[Mightyhammers]

Just a mini update, she messaged me the other day to say she was on a train and listening to some music I sent her, I didnt bite with the train thing. About 10 minutes later, as Im sure she couldnt wait to tell me, she was on her way to a friend that lives just a few miles from me.

She messaged me when she was on her way back to say that she didnt get lost at all even though she almost had a panic attack - I didnt reply.

She's completely doing it to get a reaction from me. Im drafting an email now for when / if she gets in touch again, to tell her we either talk face to face and tie up some loose ends, or she stops contacting me, period.

[Clearmind]

This contact means something different to you Mighty than it does for her.

Its your choice to cut contact - she can and may continue to contact you - its your choice to respond or not.

[Mightyhammers]

Hi Guys, another update and its escalating

got a message from her in my inbox ( 3 messages in succession ), which I havent even opened so havent responded to

got another message this evening, that started with the line ( or something to this effect ) "I dont deserve to be ignored, and think its immature of you... . "

Im absolutely staggered! and to be honest Im just leaving it for now as I honestly havent got the time to be dealing with it. Such strange behaviour... .

[danley]

Seems like your attention is greatly desired. I don't think she comprehends that you don't want to respond. I cannot say if it will escalate or I'd she will get the hint. But in either case it's up to you with what you wanna do.

[Tordesillas]

If you're happy, healthy and detached, why not just respond once in awhile when it's convenient and when you feel like it?  Don't we all have people in our lives who are just kind of acquaintances?  By neither ignoring her nor deepening your engagement, might you not kind of defuse the potential for drama?  I don't know... . maybe she would end up getting impatient with the lack of deepening contact with you and create more drama anyway?

[Lao Tzu]

     The comments from b2 and others have been excellent. My two cents is that the girl you actually love and want to get back to never existed.  She was just a character the very broken girl you met created from looking skillfully at your needs. That character fits you perfectly as it was custom made for you, but it will only briefly be acted out again and only if she can use it to get attention from you again.  You can leave this sad play.  The reason this recycle was so soon is just that the other guys she's been with have bailed or been terminated when they became no challenge to her.  I'm sorry, but I don't think it's because she discovered she really loves you and love conquers all.  I wish this wasn't the truth.

[Mightyhammers]

Thanks guys, those responses are excellent. Im really too busy to give the attention right now, Im off for a short break on tuesday evening where I dont think I will have access to the internet so Ill respond just before then and then I can forget about it for at least a week or so... .

[Clearmind]

MH, its important you are not used for her to self soothe - you do not need to make things OK for her.

If you respond are you OK with more contact and more inbox messages? Unfortunately your response to her is opening the door and will not make this go away. If you are responding because of your own fear, obligation and guilt it maybe worth processing those feelings rather than expecting your response will alleviate those feelings.