Beginning to wonder... maybe "it" was me...

[Murbay]

nonGF, that was exactly how my ex wife would behave. On the rare occasion there was any intimacy, the following morning I would be greeted with anger or rage over something I couldn't possibly have done.

On one occasion, she stonewalled me for 5 days before she finally created an argument because she had a lot of issues go off that week and I didn't give her any support, despite the fact she never mentioned anything that had happened.

As it turned out, her anger towards me that morning and the reason she stonewalled me was because her aunt had spilled coffee that morning and hadn't bothered to clean it up, leaving her to do it instead. She was angry at me because I was still asleep when this happened when I should have been awake to help her clean up the mess. When I questioned why she didn't just come and ask me, it sent her into a rage which was apparently my fault too. This was a regular pattern after intimacy and any time I questioned it, I was hit with it all being my fault or creating an argument out of nothing. Eventually I started to believe that and said nothing.

It isn't normal behaviour and you aren't the crazy one. I believed I was too or that I was being too demanding but now I know different.

[LetItBe]

nonGF, that was exactly how my ex wife would behave. On the rare occasion there was any intimacy, the following morning I would be greeted with anger or rage over something I couldn't possibly have done.

On one occasion, she stonewalled me for 5 days before she finally created an argument because she had a lot of issues go off that week and I didn't give her any support, despite the fact she never mentioned anything that had happened.

As it turned out, her anger towards me that morning and the reason she stonewalled me was because her aunt had spilled coffee that morning and hadn't bothered to clean it up, leaving her to do it instead. She was angry at me because I was still asleep when this happened when I should have been awake to help her clean up the mess. When I questioned why she didn't just come and ask me, it sent her into a rage which was apparently my fault too. This was a regular pattern after intimacy and any time I questioned it, I was hit with it all being my fault or creating an argument out of nothing. Eventually I started to believe that and said nothing.

It isn't normal behaviour and you aren't the crazy one. I believed I was too or that I was being too demanding but now I know different.

Thanks, Murbay.  I have seriously questioned if I was being too demanding.  I know intellectually I wasn't asking for much, though -- a short text, just some communication that would meet my very minimal need for contact while also respecting his need for space.  He agreed it was a good compromise at the time.  I've only talked to one woman who said she wouldn't mind the behavior that upset me.  I kept in mind that she is in a marriage and also having a long-term affair, so her boundaries and expectations are different than mine.

[DarkCurls54]

Thanks, Everyone!  Than you ESPECIALLY for reminding me of what it felt like to have been so invalidated when I asked for support sometimes - that I needed to take care of myself, that my feelings were my problem... .    As for Service: I am an Interfaith Minister. So - the discussion about what is called "Spiritual Bypassing" is particularly moving to me. Yes - I do hope very deeply that spirituality be used to bring people together, to create deeper emapthy and compassion... .   

[Chazz]

DarkCurls54... .  I'm an ordained minister, myself... .  

One of the worst aspects of my experience with my ExBPD partner is how it knocked me off my spiritual center. It's left me feeling like I'm navigating life without a compass.

[leftbehind]

I looked up "Spiritual Bypassing" and found this quote:

Spiritual bypassing is a very persistent shadow of spirituality, manifesting in many forms, often without being acknowledged as such. Aspects of spiritual bypassing include exaggerated detachment, emotional numbing and repression, overemphasis on the positive, anger-phobia, blind or overly tolerant compassion, weak or too porous boundaries, lopsided development (cognitive intelligence often being far ahead of emotional and moral intelligence), debilitating judgment about one's negativity or shadow side, devaluation of the personal relative to the spiritual, and delusions of having arrived at a higher level of being.

                                            Robert Augustus Masters

Holy cow, this fits my ex perfectly!  Thank you, DarkCurls. After I looked this up I was trying to find the original thread where I saw this term.  For some reason I thought KellyO referenced it.  This explains so much, including the fact that when my ex broke up with me, the only reason he gave me was that he had a "Spiritual Shift" and our energies didn't match anymore. Also his fascination with ":)etachment".  Your mention of this is a lifesaver for me.  I knew something was seriously off with his version of spirituality (which closely resembles mine in many ways) but I couldn't figure out what it was, nor could I find any literature about it.

[LetItBe]

I looked up "Spiritual Bypassing" and found this quote:

Spiritual bypassing is a very persistent shadow of spirituality, manifesting in many forms, often without being acknowledged as such. Aspects of spiritual bypassing include exaggerated detachment, emotional numbing and repression, overemphasis on the positive, anger-phobia, blind or overly tolerant compassion, weak or too porous boundaries, lopsided development (cognitive intelligence often being far ahead of emotional and moral intelligence), debilitating judgment about one's negativity or shadow side, devaluation of the personal relative to the spiritual, and delusions of having arrived at a higher level of being.

                                            Robert Augustus Masters

Holy cow, this fits my ex perfectly!  Thank you, DarkCurls. After I looked this up I was trying to find the original thread where I saw this term.  For some reason I thought KellyO referenced it.  This explains so much, including the fact that when my ex broke up with me, the only reason he gave me was that he had a "Spiritual Shift" and our energies didn't match anymore. Also his fascination with ":)etachment".  Your mention of this is a lifesaver for me.  I knew something was seriously off with his version of spirituality (which closely resembles mine in many ways) but I couldn't figure out what it was, nor could I find any literature about it.

Thanks for posting this, leftbehind.  The parts I've bolded above fit my ex too -- exactly!  In one of his last emails, he'd elevated himself to a grandiose status, having felt more peace and empowerment than before.  He was so blind to his own brilliance that he couldn't even see me anymore.

[DarkCurls54]

There is a fascinating book on the subject by Robert Augustus Masters.  You can find it on Amazon.