New Here and my situation is soo complicated

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello everyone. Here is a summary of my hell that I want so bad to end. I met my wife 14 yrs ago she had three small kids at the time but she was beautiful and I had very low self-esteem and social anxiety issues so she was a catch for me. Not to long into the relationship she would be so quick to get angry and verbally abusive that anyone with sense would of left her. As time went on I was becoming the father that these kids never had which whenever she would act out would make it impossible in my eyes to leave her. She would go out to clubs and always was so important to her she would always have to look her best and in her eyes was never good enough. Eventually I moved in with her.

My family owns a family business and I would eventually hire her. When we went out she always found something that I did wrong or accuse me at looking at the waitress or any female around us including her own family members. This constant fear really increased my social anxiety to where I would just look at the floor. She would eventually chase my family members away accusing me of favoring them over her the same behavior at work as Im the manager and she would always make suggestions to me relating to coworkers that were babyish and when I didn't follow through she would accuse me of taking up for them because they were white and she was black, she has accused me of liking almost every female employee I manage. We later had a daughter and then she started pressuring me that we need to get married so we did deep inside I didn't want to.

As time went by I was raising 5 kids pretty much on my on as we had another baby she was never interested in family activities. She would often get made always quick to say "I'm done were through" when I would question her hanging out late night she has hit me more than once she has broken things she has packed up the kids threatened to leave to come back 30 min later. Then the usual pattern have great sex the next morning and all was good. 2 yrs ago  I finally cracked and suffered a depression and anxiety issues I left and separated. when I was better she convinced me she was changed and seemed very convincing that she was now a great wife and mother. That lasted like 2 months then the fighting and unhappiness was at an all time high.  6 months ago I became depressed again and we agreed to separate she moved out with her 3 kids and I kept mine and the ones together we worked out a schedule. I have tried to have no contact but between the kids and her still working with me this is Impossible!

She became super mom which lasted for 3 months and has been begging me to return but I was holding my ground until she recently passed out at work and went to the hospital feeling guilty that we were still married I went with her to be bedside which triggered old feelings I had for her as I comforted her, I later took her to my house where we had sex again. Then we hung out on Mothers Day in my head using the kids as an excuse. Through all of this I have been trying to move on and trying to date which I have been scared to deaf on how she would react as I knew it would be ugly which makes me live with a paranoida its like I think shes always there. Well the other night it was late and she had all the kids so I invited a girl I have been talking to for a while to watch a movie in the middle of the movie we hear a window break you guessed it she showed up and went nuts the whole time blaming me that how could I do this that im a horrible person etc she then grabbed my steak knifes and acted as if she was trying to kill herself she had threatened this before and bluffed but its still scary I wrestled the knife away.

She finally calmed down and started talking about getting back together. She asked me for a yes or no answer about if we will ever get back together and like always I couldn't man up and say no like always I say right now no but you never know, I say this I guess because of the fear. She left and called back a few times I didn't answer she then showed up I opened the door she through herself on me and said lets F--- I didn't want to but we did. Which leads me to today she called me this am she wants to go somewhere and talk! I don't wanna be with her anymore and I want to be able to move on without the fear that she will do something. Please Help!

[PascalB]

Hello everyone. Here is a summary of my hell that I want so bad to end. I met my wife 14 yrs ago she had three small kids at the time but she was beautiful and I had very low self-esteem and social anxiety issues so she was a catch for me. Not to long into the relationship she would be so quick to get angry and verbally abusive that anyone with sense would of left her. As time went on I was becoming the father that these kids never had which whenever she would act out would make it impossible in my eyes to leave her. She would go out to clubs and always was so important to her she would always have to look her best and in her eyes was never good enough. Eventually I moved in with her.

My family owns a family business and I would eventually hire her. When we went out she always found something that I did wrong or accuse me at looking at the waitress or any female around us including her own family members. This constant fear really increased my social anxiety to where I would just look at the floor. She would eventually chase my family members away accusing me of favoring them over her the same behavior at work as Im the manager and she would always make suggestions to me relating to coworkers that were babyish and when I didn't follow through she would accuse me of taking up for them because they were white and she was black, she has accused me of liking almost every female employee I manage. We later had a daughter and then she started pressuring me that we need to get married so we did deep inside I didn't want to.

As time went by I was raising 5 kids pretty much on my on as we had another baby she was never interested in family activities. She would often get made always quick to say "I'm done were through" when I would question her hanging out late night she has hit me more than once she has broken things she has packed up the kids threatened to leave to come back 30 min later. Then the usual pattern have great sex the next morning and all was good. 2 yrs ago  I finally cracked and suffered a depression and anxiety issues I left and separated. when I was better she convinced me she was changed and seemed very convincing that she was now a great wife and mother. That lasted like 2 months then the fighting and unhappiness was at an all time high.  6 months ago I became depressed again and we agreed to separate she moved out with her 3 kids and I kept mine and the ones together we worked out a schedule. I have tried to have no contact but between the kids and her still working with me this is Impossible!

She became super mom which lasted for 3 months and has been begging me to return but I was holding my ground until she recently passed out at work and went to the hospital feeling guilty that we were still married I went with her to be bedside which triggered old feelings I had for her as I comforted her, I later took her to my house where we had sex again. Then we hung out on Mothers Day in my head using the kids as an excuse. Through all of this I have been trying to move on and trying to date which I have been scared to deaf on how she would react as I knew it would be ugly which makes me live with a paranoida its like I think shes always there. Well the other night it was late and she had all the kids so I invited a girl I have been talking to for a while to watch a movie in the middle of the movie we hear a window break you guessed it she showed up and went nuts the whole time blaming me that how could I do this that im a horrible person etc she then grabbed my steak knifes and acted as if she was trying to kill herself she had threatened this before and bluffed but its still scary I wrestled the knife away.

She finally calmed down and started talking about getting back together. She asked me for a yes or no answer about if we will ever get back together and like always I couldn't man up and say no like always I say right now no but you never know, I say this I guess because of the fear. She left and called back a few times I didn't answer she then showed up I opened the door she through herself on me and said lets F--- I didn't want to but we did. Which leads me to today she called me this am she wants to go somewhere and talk! I don't wanna be with her anymore and I want to be able to move on without the fear that she will do something. Please Help!

[marbleloser]

"I didn't want to but we did. Which leads me to today she called me this am she wants to go somewhere and talk! I don't wanna be with her anymore and I want to be able to move on without the fear that she will do something"

Looks like your stuck doing things you don't really want to do PascalB. You're the only one that can make the decision NOT to do something you don't want.

What exactly is it that you fear?

Have you read "The 5 stages of Detachment"? It's located to the right sidebar.

You're situation is like many here that don't respect their own boundaries.You stating that you don't want to meet her is a boundary.Let's work on you sticking with that boundary first.

[heartandwhole]

 

Hi PascalB,

I'm so glad that you found this site, we are here to support you.  It sounds like you have been through a really rough time.  You will definitely find some help here.  Things can get better for you and your children.

Do you feel confident that the children are safe in this environment?  Here is a link that can help you organize a safety plan, should you need it: Safety First

I'd like to invite you as a new member to post in the new member section, here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=5.0

That way, we can learn more about you and direct you toward the resources that will help you.

Hang in there, we are here for you!

heartandwhole

[slimmiller]

Hello Pascalb

Being in your position stinks. I was there for a number of years although she was never that deeply engrained in my family.

I do not have any magic words of comfort. Wish I did... . :'(

One thing is for certain and that is that she has you very deep in FOG (fear obligation guilt)  As long as she has you in that mindset, it is much harder to make any decisions, heal etc.

One thing that helps is to realize its not okay for her to treat you the way she has. I made a list (after reading about it here) of all the things that were NOT okay. It helped me immensly.

For instance,

Its not okay for her to not take responsibility as a parent.

Its not okay for her to threaten me

Its not okay for her to be violent.

Its not okay for... .  


You get the idea. Seeing it on paper kind of validates it and allows you to see it better for what it is.

Be good to you and stay close to this board.

BTW I comment you on being the father you are, your children will forever be grateful for it looking back