Just Another Vent on BPDD's Bday

[parent of bpd daughter]

It's my 33yo BPDD's bday today. I sent her $500 and had a really cute special

vegan cake custom made and delivered to her work in another city where she

lives with her partner and in-laws. Her and her partner are expecting a baby,

so I'm trying to be supportive - even though I know instinctively having a baby

for BPD's = horrible idea.

What a frickin' mistake I made! When will I ever learn how to do this "detachment" stuff?

Last year, I sent her and her partner on a private small plane ride to some nearby islands for

a weekend excursion - and I heard back "the island was awful and too many high school kids

there and the plane ride made my partner nauseous"... .

This year, I got a phone call in which she went out of her way to complain about the cake being

"inappropriate" - it was a design I got off the web that is a baby bottom in a diaper normally for

baby showers but I had it say "happy birthday" instead. Everyone I showed thought it was cute except her of course.

When asked if she got her "card" which contained the $$, she simply said - "yes it was received".

No thank you - no appreciation.

What a wicked witch she can be - when will I EVER LEARN to stop trying with this

kid?

Then she asked if I was coming up for the birth of her partner's baby - I said "if you want me there,

I will" but really I don't want to be anywhere near this train wreck of a relationship in which I

am the target of all things bad.

Today I am going in for a biopsy - uterine cancer suspected - just put my sweet little 14 yo pup

down - starting new job, diabetic, putting my youngest thru college - I don't need her crap too!

I will work on this detachment more as we have all discussed on other threads - just really

seems "disassociation" is way easier than "detached love" - out of sight, out of mind as

they say. I am sick to death of being her verbal (and sometimes physical) punching bag -

why doesn't she pick on someone else - like maybe her partner?

She has also developed the extremely annoying trait of "Competing" with me and her sister

both - about everything. I have NEVER been one to EVER compete with my children.

Each generation SHOULD be better than the last - that's the Point! Why does she compete

with me and her sister? I HATE MENTAL ILLNESS! I HATE HER ILLNESS - I love the

daughter that is in there behind all this somewhere - I wish I didn't - wish I could

just walk away - but I will die hoping to get that daughter back - the fool that I am.

Thanks for letting me vent - sorry we are all going thru this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[griz]

You are not a fool.  You are just like the rest of us, hoping and praying and wishing we would get back our children who were stolen by this horrible illness.  It is amazing to me how we all have the potential to hate and love so strongly all at the same time.  We hate the behaviors but love the child. 

The other night my DD fell asleep while watching television with me.  She was in such a peaceful and restful place and I just sat there staring at her while tears streamed down my face and I knew that I was grieving for the child that I lost.  Maybe I am a fool also but I just hope one day I will welcome that child back home.

Griz

[angeldust1]

Awwwe Parent of BPD, :'(

I'm so very sorry for your pain.  But she is classic BPD,  and that is what they do.  They just hurt and hurt and hurt us.  Weather they really realize how thier behavior affects is the question in all our minds.  It is so hard to not take it personally,  but that is exactly what you have to do.

You were extremely generous,  and your efforts were not appreciated.  That is hardly a fool,  but a gracious kind hearted person.   I believe there will come a time when you will stop trying so hard,  at least this hard.  Especially if you do not see any improvement,  and please do not expect any.  Don't expect anything and you will not be hurt,  if you get anything be pleasantly surprised. 

You can try the validation,  but you have to have contact with the person.  Sounds like she off w/her partner and doing her own thing.  Maybe if you are ever back in her life in a more physical way,   you might want to try it. 

But for now,  I'd just put my efforts on my other child,  let her do her own thing.  Pray for her and know she is a very very  ill person.  Her illness affects you yes,   but it does not have to define you,  just because you are her mother and you love her.   

You did not  make a mistake you tried,   as a mother to do the right thing on your childs BD,   and it was rejected.  Remember detachment is to help you,   not to hurt her.   I'm sending a big hug your way.  You are a most special person. 

angel 

[pessim-optimist]

Ohhh parent, 

so sad... .     

What a terrible disappointment! 

You're right that detachment is not always easy. Especially when those pesky expectations get in our way... .  

You did a wonderful thing for your dd. Sad she cannot see it for what it is and appreciate it... .

So sorry to hear about all you are going through on top of this bday. You definitely do not need more stress or sorrow. Be kind and gentle with yourself, ok?

Praying for your health!       

[MammaMia]

Parent.

Been there, done that.  As the parent of a BPD son, I have the right to celebrate his birthday, and so I do.  I will send a card with money, just as you did, or a gift.  The difference is that I do not expect any appreciation or gratitude.  I do it for me.  I love him and am thankful he is in my life... .  crazy as that may sound.  I know he is sick and will not understand how I feel, so I do not expect him to.  He keeps my cards and displays them on his dining room buffet.  That says a lot.

We hope each birthday, holiday, or celebration will be different.  It is not.  Acceptance makes it much easier.   It is what it is... .  

[sk8mom]

Parent,

Love and jugs to you  

I think we all grieve with you.  I wish I could take your pain away.

I have kept lowering my expectations for my dd16, her birthday today even. And now, I am not as personally hurt by her ingratitude.  Its easier to accept her and love her this way.  I try not to compare her to others because I noticed it made me more hurt when I did the comparison thing.

Be kind to yourself, you are not a fool.  Stay healthy for others in your life.

My husband was ill for 10 years before he passed away. After he became ill, he never thanked me for anything, never said he loved me, he developed schizophrenia and my daughter was born the week he was diagnosed with Huntingtons disease. The doctor said when I was 8 months pregnant, prognosis was 10 years.  It was 10 years to the day and for 10 years, it was like having a death sentence hanging over our heads.

He lost the ability to talk, and the mental illness made our life a living hell.  My dd grew up watching him get sicker and sicker until he passed away 2 weeks before her 10th birthday.  She will never regain her lost childhood and her innocence.   It is a heavy burden to know as a mother how much she suffers inside and there is nothing I can do to change the past.

We can change the future. 

I was extremely bitter over the person he turned into and the ingratitude towards me.  But, i kept telling myself, this is not the man I married.  And i married for sickness and in health.  The Huntingtons support group got me through it, as well as much prayer. 

I had a revelation one day in my deeeeeep despair, a voice as clear as day that took my breath away.  It said,  "For as much as you have done it to the least of these, you have done it unto ME"... .  

since that moment in time, my service to him was selfless, without expectations and knowing the end was inevitable.  After that epiphany, my love toward him changed for the better. It was extremely difficult to love this person he turned into. I did not recognize him, his whole personality became harsh and unloving.  I heard a Huntingtons speaker once who wrote a pamphlet called, The Person behind the Face.  He could not speak and those years were painful.  They are in there, but have an illness that disables them from expressing themselves.  Having my dd16 now with a disorder is very similar.  She is in there but her illness prevents her from being the person she can be right now. 

It is only BECAUSE of my daughter that I endured the 10 years of his illness without selfharm.  And it is now BECAUSE of his illness that she is the person with BPD.  But, I know that she is in there and , the person behind the face. 

I love you all... .  hang in there,   

[MammaMia]

sk8mom

You are a warrior.  I am so sorry your life has been devastated by the cruelest of illnesses in those you love.  Take comfort in knowing you did everything humanly possible for your husband and now your daughter.  Being a caregiver is a very, very difficult job.  It takes an unseen toll on those who give and give and give.  I am glad you found a support group.  I am glad you are here.

We can all learn a lot about compassion and self worth from you.  Be strong for your daughter but take care of yourself and take much needed and deserved breaks from the stress of mental illness whenever you can. I hope you have friends and family to help.

Your life has been devoted to others.  It is time for someone to take care of you.  You deserve to be happy and feel loved and appreciated.  Others become so used to caregivers doing everything for everyone.  I pray you will find some way to share your burden and be recognized for the wonderful person you are.

I wish you comfort and peace.

[parent of bpd daughter]

sk8mom,

Your story is both heartbreaking and so inspirational. Thank you so much for sharing that - I can learn

much from your selfless compassion for both your late husband and your daughter.

I also hope that you have a good therapist, or continue with your Huntington's support group as I know

all too well that going this road alone is nearly impossible.

Thanks all for support - I will try not to take her actions personally - I know she is ill, she is on meds thankfully

her partner was able to get her on those as I was not - she refuses therapy still - but maybe becoming a parent

will improve her chances for therapy - I don't know. I worry constantly about this unborn child as well - fearing

that this horrible horrible cycle of BPD misery will continue in yet another generation - pray this will not happen.

One day at a time is all we can do I know - and Agree that sending the  bday cards is more for ME than her -

because the few years we were No Contact - it nearly killed me to NOT send good wishes.

Good point about noticing the Cards displayed at BPD son's home - I have noticed a few things like this, so

obviously something inside them is appreciative and responsive still.

Peace and love to all of us here -this virtual family of warrior parents :-)

Namaste

[peaceandhope]

ParentofBPD,

I understand how frustrating it must have been for you.

One thing I have learnt having BPD child is, their illness makes them  self-absorbed that they cannot follow the regular social norms.

You have been a good mom and that's what counts.

peaceandhope