Frying pan to fire?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all,

Well I am now 6 months into a relationship with an old "friend" (someone I use to see off/on over 3 years).  We had been doing well I thought until an incident occured.

We were driving for mother's day bbq to my sister's house.  I neglected to tell him the turn (I had wanted to stop at Safeway to buy my sister some flowers) and he lost his temper and did a u-turn and squealed his tires.  This started a fight were he was very verbal about why he did that.  I turtled... .  no other way to explain it - I withdrew and went quiet - an old tatic from dealing with my BPDm.  This made him even more angry - because he knew I was upset but not talking it made him crazy!   He made me cry and I told him we would talk after.  When we did he tried explain to me why he reacts the way he does (he has Asperger's Syndrome something he told me up front).  When I explained why I reacted the way I did and that I was definately angry with myself.  Why?  Because I thought after all the therapy and time I was past reacting that way... .  which in turn made me so upset again.

How do you deal with this issue when it comes up?

Simon

[simplesimon]

Hi all,

Well I am now 6 months into a relationship with an old "friend" (someone I use to see off/on over 3 years).  We had been doing well I thought until an incident occured.

We were driving for mother's day bbq to my sister's house.  I neglected to tell him the turn (I had wanted to stop at Safeway to buy my sister some flowers) and he lost his temper and did a u-turn and squealed his tires.  This started a fight were he was very verbal about why he did that.  I turtled... .  no other way to explain it - I withdrew and went quiet - an old tatic from dealing with my BPDm.  This made him even more angry - because he knew I was upset but not talking it made him crazy!   He made me cry and I told him we would talk after.  When we did he tried explain to me why he reacts the way he does (he has Asperger's Syndrome something he told me up front).  When I explained why I reacted the way I did and that I was definately angry with myself.  Why?  Because I thought after all the therapy and time I was past reacting that way... .  which in turn made me so upset again.

How do you deal with this issue when it comes up?

Simon

[Suzn]

I'm sorry this happened simplesimon. What a scary incident. Your personal safety was at risk here. I don't know that you're reaction was all that off the mark. Not responding to someone while they are screaming at you sounds rational, especially when they are driving out of control. Just because you knew about his Asperger's up front doesn't make this behavior of his ok. What do your boundaries about your personal safety look like now? How did you end up resolving this situation with him?

[simplesimon]

Hi suzn,

After the bbq we had a really honest discussion about things.  I have told him about the issues aroung my BPDm and all the baggage that goes along with it.  He did apologize and again attempted to explain to me that it wasn't ME but his way of "dealing with the change".  I told him that when he reacts that way I just want to get away and NOT talk to him.  I asked him to read about BPD to give him an idea why I react the way I do and that regardless of his actual reason and meaning that I took as a direct assult on me - and that he needs to be aware of that.

I guess most of my frustration is at me... .  I mean it's been over 7 years since the "big blow" with my BPDm and I wanted to be done with this!