Trying to digest BPD's latest email RE DV/therapy- response help needed

[hell0kitty]

BPDex emailed and said child 7 needs therapy due to having a new sibling (My child born 6 months ago)

We thought it was weird, but figured child does need therapy due to having BPD mom, so we decided to take this chance and agree and offered up a suggestion of a highly qualified local family therapist.

BPD wrote back with her options.  I look into them all and they are all working with the same Domestic Violence family support group. There was one who is one of the mean PTA moms at school!

There has never been DV.  She tried to falsely claim it almost 3 years ago, it was tossed out of court and she has been crying DV since.

We wrote back and said, "These are DV support groups and not appropriate, neither is a parent from child's school.  Here are some more highly qualified docs within a mile of you that we would be OK with."

This is what she wrote back:

BFofhell0kitty,

Domestic Violence is a pattern of behaviors including social, economic, emotional and psychological tactics, including manipulation intending to impact and control another person.

I understand you may not recognize these behaviors,

But that is the environment that CHILD was born into and continues to be exposed to on a regular basis. Therapists are mandated by law to maintain confidentiality.

Thank you for the options, I appreciate your mindfulness of our transportation needs

I will check into them.

Please reconsider my options as child severely needs this type of support. 

I can tell that CHILD is now being provided structure in your home, This is evident in less stressful transition from your home to mine.


thank you,

BPDex

--------------

How to even respond to this? 

[mamachelle]

hell0kitty,

I would do nothing right now and take this to your attorney and also show the series of emails to the GAL if you have one. You are better off posting this on the Legal Board I think. Accusations of DV are accusations and this to me looks like that... .  

ugh a mean PTA Mom to boot. 

 mamachelle

[Free One]

This kind of made me laugh because everything she said is true, but from her, so it's almost like projection. Maybe she's trying to say she needs therapy to deal with the new baby herself. 

I think you wait and see if she agrees to one of the ones you recommend. Maybe follow up with a ":)id you decide on one of these doctors?" if no response.

[hell0kitty]

Yes, I found it really funny that I could have written this email to her ABOUT her because if that is how you describe DV then she has been victimizing my family for a very long time now.

[Matt]

What is the custody situation right now?

How much time does the child spend in each home?

Any ongoing legal stuff?  Or do you think Mom is laying the groundwork for more accusations?

How experienced is your lawyer in handling false accusations?

From:  HelloKitty

To:  Ex

bcc:  HelloKitty's attorney

Your statement, "That is the environment Child was born into and continues to be exposed to on a regular basis." - I don't understand - can you please explain what you mean by this?

Do you have reason to believe that Child is exposed to domestic violence?

I'm not sure, but I'm wondering if calling her out - letting her either say what she is accusing you of, or back off - might be helpful.

Usually I would say, ":)on't engage."  But in this case, I'd be inclined to go ahead and draw her out - let her say it or back down.  Get the accusations out in the open... .  

[hell0kitty]

They are right in the middle of a parenting eval with a court date looming in the future.  As soon as I read this, I was wondering if she was finally starting to work on her questionnaire.  I wanted to ask straight up what she was talking about as well, but wasn't sure we should engage. 

[Matt]

They are right in the middle of a parenting eval with a court date looming in the future.  As soon as I read this, I was wondering if she was finally starting to work on her questionnaire.  I wanted to ask straight up what she was talking about as well, but wasn't sure we should engage. 

Maybe best to talk to your lawyer first;  he may counsel you not to stir the pot at all.

I would certainly show it to the parenting evaluator, so she can draw her own conclusions from it.

[mamachelle]

BPDex emailed and said child 7 needs therapy due to having a new sibling (My child born 6 months ago)

Wait, isn't she due with a new sibling too? 

Let us know how it turns out... .  

mamachelle

[DreamGirl]

Keep the important parts and respond to them... .  cross out the "white noise":

BFofhell0kitty,

Domestic Violence is a pattern of behaviors including social, economic, emotional and psychological tactics, including manipulation intending to impact and control another person.

I understand you may not recognize these behaviors,

But that is the environment that CHILD was born into and continues to be exposed to on a regular basis. Therapists are mandated by law to maintain confidentiality.

Thank you for the options, I appreciate your mindfulness of our transportation needs

I will check into them.

Please reconsider my options as child severely needs this type of support.  

I can tell that CHILD is now being provided structure in your home, This is evident in less stressful transition from your home to mine.


thank you,

BPDex

This would be my response:

Ex,

I'm so glad to hear that the transition is less stressful.

Thank you for checking into the list of therapists, I will check into yours as well. I'm sure we can find a compromise after we both do research.  

-hell0kitty's BF


PTA mom is out. Do check her other references, since you can only expect what you're willing to give, and see what you think. You never know and at least you tried to work with her.  Make a fact-based decision based on your research of all the therapists on the table. Then you say "I'd prefer Dr. Huey who specializes in X, Y, Z"  or "I'd prefer Dr. Dewey who works a lot with children of divorce" or "I'd prefer Dr. Louie who was recommended by her pediatrician".

Don't play the game and don't engage in the DV nonsense. She's hyperfocused on it and the more you deny, the more she'll blame. He's already been vindicated by the court system, so he doesn't need to prove it anymore. She's getting a HUGE payoff (attention) by aligning herself as a victim of DV (from DV support, PTA parents, and your BF). Don't feed the beast. Pay it no attention.

-DreamGirl

[hell0kitty]

We did call/look into all of the therapists she recommended.  What I found really frightening was (aside from PTA mom) the other 3 from the DV support group, all popped up in google right away listed on pages about "The domestic violence machine" it is a page made for helping people who have been falsely accused of DV by their exes as a way to gain the upper hand in custody and divorce situations with the courts! The group was mentioned several times as working closely with a certain local attorney (who works in the same hood as BPDex) and this attorney was being brought up on charges for asking her clients to make DV claims in court and to start going to this particular group! 2 of the docs on BPD mom's list were specifically name checked all over the site.

Awesome. I put this on the parenting board because at first blush it didn't seem legal, it just seemed like a parenting thing, but how quickly it appears to be turning. Jeez Louise!

And yes, she is pregnant and newly married to someone she has now known for 7.5 months.

[Matt]

So if you have those names from her in writing, and you can also print out the information showing they are all involved in the ":)V machine", I think that's pretty good information for you and your attorney, for now, and for the court when the time comes. 

It's pretty clear from this, and from her e-mail, that she is cooking up accusations - maybe best to blow the lid now before they are taken seriously.

[david]

This may help.

My xBPDw wanted to get our boys into therapy years ago. She picked a T and that was a complete waste of time and money. I took the boys several times and stopped.

Later, she went to a women's support group in the area. At the time she was accusing me of all kinds of abusive behaviors. We had a parent coordinator at the time. Ex made it an issue with the coordinator. I pointed out that I was being excluded from everything dealing with the therapy. The pc ruled that I had a week to contact the organisation and get back to her. I sent an email to the director with 10 questions that all related to the children. I had a friend that is a counselor help me make the questions. They were very direct and very specific to what their website said. I had already printed the website just in case they decided to change it. I gave no wiggle room. The director asked me who I was. I replied with my name, the children's names, and the ex. She did not reply. I made one more attempt through email. She would not reply. I sent it all to the pc. The pc ruled that the children could have no contact with this group unless I was included. The pc drew the line in the sand and ex never tried to cross it. Kids used to see the school counselor and that really helped.

[hell0kitty]

I called this place, not mentioning anyone's names, just to say they were on a list of referrals, and wanted to know what kind of experience they had with dealing with BPD women who make false claims of DV to try to get a leg up in their divorce and custody cases.  The woman on the phone got really squirley and said "Um, we don't really like to deal with court situations, we try to stay away from that kind of thing."

Yup. I wonder why?

Then I gave her another shot and said, do you have anyone minus these three names, that you could refer that might have experience with something like this?  She said she would have someone call me back.  I got a call from the person BPDex has been seeing saying that she didn't think it was appropriate to talk to me and that she should talk to the father to discuss options.  Remember, I NEVER said who I was, or who I was connected to.  I know it sounds paranoid, but it is really weird.  Then hours later, we get an email from BPDex asking us to reconsider that particular therapist.  Naming the one by name that had just left me a message. 

The whole thing smacks of weirdness.  Or maybe after dealing with BPD for so long, everything seems suspect?  I don't know.  That seems weird to you guys, right?  I'm not just being paranoid?

[david]

My take on my experience. The group my ex was trying to use gets federal funding. They get more funding if their numbers show they are protecting someone from DV. It really doesn't matter if DV occurs or not. That is the issue I discovered. The law gives more money the more people they "help". My ex got great free legal advice and help in the beginning and that set me back quite a bit. The fact that I never abused her or anyone else was not important to their funding.

[mamachelle]

I know it sounds paranoid, but it is really weird.  Then hours later, we get an email from BPDex asking us to reconsider that particular therapist.  Naming the one by name that had just left me a message. 

The whole thing smacks of weirdness.  Or maybe after dealing with BPD for so long, everything seems suspect?  I don't know.  That seems weird to you guys, right?  I'm not just being paranoid?

hell0kitty,

You are not being paranoid. Her initial email was written by this lady I am sure. My Smom is an attorney and my Dad is a pDoc (lovely combination  ) and they coach me on legal emails to send for various things relating to my kids from time to time and that is why I immediately said to myself... . this is a set up of some kind. Biomom is being coached. The wording of that initial email is really awkward. Also all the PTA stuff is so nutty too.

david is right that they are not there to investigate but only to help a victim.

So sorry about all this. At least you have enough evidence to go to your attorney and let him know what is going on as you've tried to be reasonable.

mamachelle

[Free One]

I know there are all sorts of different counselors with different degrees and licensing, but it is my understanding (in the US at least), that each license type has a (usually national) code of ethics by which they are expected to operate and each state oversees the actual licensing.

1) It is unethical for a counselor to begin a therapeutic relationship with someone they already know, so PTA mom would be out. It would most likely also be inappropriate for a counselor to start counseling a family member of a patient... .

2) Most states have an online database which you can look up the license status and see if there are any complaints. It may help your case to find out exactly what license status each recommend counselor has and if they've had any formal complaints.

[david]

The "counselor" my ex wanted to use was not certified and did not have a degree in counseling. Their website hinted at that but didn't come out and say it. I wanted the vagueness to be clarified. That, I believe, is why the director did not reply to my questions. They were walking a very fine legal line. Our parent coordinator was an attorney and my questions made it obvious that this would be a big mess to step into for everyone.

I have found that staying focused on the kids best interest works in the long run.

I had several incidents years ago that I started to question whether I was being paranoid or not. I had a T back then and she really helped. She simply laid out the facts and once I heard someone say them to me I realised I wasn't being paranoid.