I'm not sure I can do this anymore.

[beginnersmind24]

I love my BPDbf very much and I was very relieved to get back together after 7 months once I discovered he had been committed to DBT and counseling for most of the time we'd been apart. While I can't deny that it's been a whole lot better this time around, I'm just not sure that the peace I had when we were apart is worth giving up. In the middle of my work day he asks me why I haven't deleted my ex-bf from my Facebook page when he asked me "not to be friends with him" a few days ago. Oh by the way, this boyfriend was somebody I went out with for a couple months when I was 15 and now has a lovely girlfriend and lives a couple hours away. We haven't spoken in years but share a social network of mutual friends. When he asked me to do that he was drunk and I thought he meant don't literally be friends with him. I said, "Fine, we aren't really friends to begin with!" Then I get this text at work asking why I didn't unfriend the guy. We have plans over the weekend so I weighed my options and decided to go ahead and do it to preserve the weekend since it's not really a problem for me. However, I did respond by reiterating that this relationship will not be the one of total isolation and control that it used to be and that I haven't asked him to unfriend or even stop hanging out with his ex from the same time frame or even another ex from later in his life.

I know I shouldn't be keeping score but sometimes the hypocrisy and double standards with him are so glaringly obvious that it's difficult not to bring up. He reacted really strongly by defending his relationships saying "*** (his ex who he still spends time with) is an amazing person, not some %*&# that I used to make out with and give *$&%* to." He knows I didn't do the second part but said it anyway and then again, presenting the brief relationship I had with the guy as something dirty and cheap and his past relationships as being special and caring. Needless to say this is his imagination.

It goes on to be more cruelty and judgments about my character. I say:

I don't like how you label my life and who I am.

I don't like that you feel as though you have that right or that insight into who I am that you can say those horrible things to me.

You clearly don't know me at all right now because I've taken responsibility for my actions. I've taken responsibility for my decisions and I'm not ashamed of myself. You cannot put your shame onto me. I refuse it. Keep it or get rid of it. (I know this part wasn't the best thing to say  :'( )

I love you with all my heart but I hate how you're acting and treating me right now.

His response is, if I wanted to be more open and blunt about it then you would hear things that are 50 times more horrible. I continued to try and calm the situation down but he kept pushing and he kept warning me not to disengage. We had plans to hang out on my lunch break but after all the mean irrational things he was saying, I didn't think it was smart to further engage in the middle of my work day by seeing him in person. He totally exploded when I told him that and I tried to disengage by saying, "I love you but I've already spent enough of my work day engaged in this and it's not helping so I need to go." But he called 16 times and sent texts saying, "Please babe I don't want to turn into a monster."

I thought maybe it would help to talk to him if he really felt that way so I called him and it immediately became the crazymaking round and round crap of him saying something terrible and then denying it less than a minute later. He kept engaging in the confrontational way and I was already so resentful and pissed off that I snapped at him after saying several times - I know who I am and I know I can't handle this right now. Eventually I snapped completely and told him that I hate him and hung up. So childish, but maybe that's where I am emotionally right now. Maybe I just can't take the pressure cooker anymore. Last time it broke me and turned me into a miserable introvert with no friends and a family who was very very concerned about the relationship. I don't want to be that anymore but every time this happens I feel that feeling of, "maybe I should just give in to get out from under his mean crap."

I don't know what to do. I hurt and I don't want to. Maybe I'm venting or maybe this is how I really feel and I just want some peace like I had when we were broken up. I don't know but I'm trying to figure it out.

[hanginon]

bm24,

I'm right there with you... .  and feel for you and your situation.  Mine is not exactly same but I have endured the same type thing you describe from my BPDw.  To begin with, I am just a non- like you and can only relate my own situation.  This forum has lots of great information and people that can at least offer advice.  My situation currently is that due to a family event we have not been together for the last three weeks and it would absolutely kill her to know that even though I have teetered with a little bit of depression... .  not having her constant supervision and direction has been the breath of fresh air I have needed. I usually cave just to keep the peace.  We had a big confrontation just before she left on a previously planned trip.  Now, according to her, I don't miss her as much as she misses me, I don't say I Love You in the same familiar tone... .  I don't use exclamation points when I text, sometimes I just put "u" instead of "you" which somehow lessens the intent.  Now, she is full of praise about me and all I do for her, she is cheery when we talk on the phone, but I know the fairy tale will end and that is what I hate to endure.  I have told her that loving her is like loving a grizzley bear... .  if her disposition is good, its a great situation, but when it goes bad, (and it always does) she can be the most hurtful, hateful person I have ever seen in my life.

You seem pretty educated on BPD so I would think that would improve any likelyhood of making it work but after reading so much on this forum, I thinkg a positive relationship with a BPD s/o is slim.  There are success stories but I think that is a much smaller percentage.

Good luck, I am sure you will get some great feedback from those forum  moderators.

Be safe,

Hanginon

[Iced]

Someone going into therapy doesn't mean the wounding ends or that it will make the pain of old wounds go away.

I think it is easier for someone who already understands a situation for what it is (a relationship with someone who has severely disordered thinking patterns and emotional dysregulation) to get into the situation without absorbing as much hurt... .  

Than it is for someone who learned of the truth of the situation afterwards.

There is trauma in what you have experienced before (which I am sorry to hear about; it's definitely tough on your heart and mind and confusing and draining  ) and continuations of his BPD-triggered behavior has the potential to trigger your response to the trauma.

I don't know your entire story so I don't know if you've had a chance to seek therapy yourself so that you have someone professional to air out your experiences, thoughts, and feelings to, but if you haven't done so, I would really recommend it - especially if you seek to continue a relationship.

He will have good days... .  but he will have bad days and recovery with BPD is not always linear and his periods of self-awareness may be fleeting and I think that is where you're at right now in re-examining the relationship.

Knowing this, is this relationship something you need?  Want?  Have the ability to manage in a positive manner?  'Strong' enough to handle without letting your boundaries or sense of self get beat down on the bad days?

Are the ups and downs something you can cope with knowing that BPD IS BPD and that these arguments will continue on and off and that self awareness and accountability can be fleeting?

Even without BPD in the picture, sometimes relationships end and though there is love remaining, the damage done to either or both parties makes it unhealthy for a relationship to be resumed without proper resolution of the damage.

Sometimes resolutions can be worked towards and conflict 'permanently' resolved, but other times, not.

I think one of the questions you might ask yourself is what would you do and how would you feel and cope if your BF's BPD struggles continue in the long run.

[Nearlybroken]

I cried when I read your post because it is so similar to my story and I know what pain you are going through.I love my BPDbf very much but I am becoming ill with dealing with the BPD and also dealing with it alone.He is "normal" to everyone except me and I struggle with this.We have been together for a long time... .  he was diagnosed about 9 months ago.Has had therapy but will no longer engage.He twists everything around to me being the issue.He didn't come home last night following a discussion yesterday.I have tried to contact him... .  hanging up phone ,sending texts telling me I am worth nothing whilst at the same time posting jokes etc on FB. It's torture... .  made worse by the fact that it's a torture directed only at me.I question my sanity at times.

[hanginon]

I think that anyone that makes it out of a relationship with a BPDs/o will be battered and bruised but will heal.  For me, when I think of staying... .  it makes me sick to my stomach but I lack the courage to just end it.  She can spool me right back up on her finger... .  or has been able to in the past.  We had an incident that I have just had a hard time getting over.  I am afraid I will end up like Travis Alexander... .  and she will be just like Jodi.  She adamantly says she would/could never harm me but during our last encounter when she wouldn't let me leave to defuse the situation, she repeatedly got in my face screaming... .  hit me! hit me! She tackled me and we tumbled down the stairs and grappled with each other... .  She wouldn't let me get in my truck, punched me a few times in stopping me... .  then when I attempted to just walk away just to get away from her, she tackled me at a full run three times... .  finally gave me a parting slap and went back inside.  The way she talked to me, the things she said, the look on her face... .  it was like seeing the devil in the flesh.  I'm still a little shaken by the whole thing.  She got arrested and now that is my fault... .  but now she is so sweet sugar wouldn't melt in her mouth and she is trying to reel me back in.

At times I think we are as sick as they are.

Hanginon