do i respond?

[Depression = 72% of members]

last weekend I took a stand for my family and did not go to my BPDmoms house on mothers day because I refused to participate in the drama she was creating with my family. She had uninvited my brother to the "family BBQ", and lied about why she told him not to come because as with everyone, it was his turn to be devalued this month.

Meanwhile, she was wanting me there all to herself. Being her only girl, she has always had this weird possessiveness with me- wanting me ALONE - to drain me for every ounce of emotion I have... .  

Anyway, long story short- I did not go to her house because I was not going to engage in her divisive behavior against my brother. I texted her to have a happy day and did not hear from her all week. I get into the mind set that I am OK... .  better off!... .  and can cut her out of my life forever... .  until I hear from her.

So here we are, Friday afternoon- the end of a crazy work week and of course she starts texting me. Shes sending me listings of furniture that she knows I would like... .  and its a trap. If I txt her back she will want to communicate and likely call me (nonstop). If I dont txt her back, than Im the bad guy who cut her out of my life and didnt see her on mothers day... .  I also am well aware that I could never accept the furniture shes sending posts of because I have been down that road so many times, and it is merely a ploy and will be held over my head for months to come (as they say in the BPD mother book... .  "be weary of gifts from the queen as they will be held against you"... .  

so my question is what is a normal functional response? or can I just ignore it? ... .  

[UpwardAndOnward]

last weekend I took a stand for my family and did not go to my BPDmoms house on mothers day because I refused to participate in the drama she was creating with my family. She had uninvited my brother to the "family BBQ", and lied about why she told him not to come because as with everyone, it was his turn to be devalued this month.

Meanwhile, she was wanting me there all to herself. Being her only girl, she has always had this weird possessiveness with me- wanting me ALONE - to drain me for every ounce of emotion I have... .  

Anyway, long story short- I did not go to her house because I was not going to engage in her divisive behavior against my brother. I texted her to have a happy day and did not hear from her all week. I get into the mind set that I am OK... .  better off!... .  and can cut her out of my life forever... .  until I hear from her.

So here we are, Friday afternoon- the end of a crazy work week and of course she starts texting me. Shes sending me listings of furniture that she knows I would like... .  and its a trap. If I txt her back she will want to communicate and likely call me (nonstop). If I dont txt her back, than Im the bad guy who cut her out of my life and didnt see her on mothers day... .  I also am well aware that I could never accept the furniture shes sending posts of because I have been down that road so many times, and it is merely a ploy and will be held over my head for months to come (as they say in the BPD mother book... .  "be weary of gifts from the queen as they will be held against you"... .  

so my question is what is a normal functional response? or can I just ignore it? ... .  

[nomom4me]

I feel lucky that my mother doesn't text (yet), imho texting can be passive aggressive.  My sister texts (on mom's behalf) and I call her back when she does and usually she lets it go to voicemail.  My sister and mom have a history of stalker-ish internet behavior and both have passive aggressive tendencies, I cut my mom off email years ago and refuse to add her on facebook.  When my sister refused to answer calls and contacted me only by text I laid down some ground rules for text-based communication and told her that phone is the best way to contact me, she did not respond to that but continued texting.  I'm sure my mom already informed my sister of my internet contact boundaries with her (I have no text-based contact with my mom) so I let my sister know that until we could talk about what is, and what is not appropriate for email/facebook/txt she would be blocked from all three.  Extreme, I know... .  but my sister has way too much free time for internet and text messaging.

I would call your mom back after several hours, if she gets a fast reaction she'll want to keep at it.  Give her whatever reason fits best (you don't check your phone at work, you were driving, your phone was in your purse) and don't ever give her an immediate reaction via text.

[ScarletOlive]

Hey UAO,

Sounds like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. It's really tough, I know. How much contact are you comfortable with with your mother? If you go with texting back, and she texts you all the time, you can set a boundary for how much you are comfortable with. It's not like a rule, but rather a way to affirm your respect for both yourself and her. I don't know if you've seen this workshop but it's really helpful: BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

If you don't text her back, what happens?

I am LC with my mom with boundaries, and sometimes I just text/email back one word responses like, "Cool!" or "Ok," so she knows I got the message and am not just ignoring her.

[CBoo]

My Dad used to do this all the time. We are NC now... .  

You should reply as you wish! I think a valid responses is 'No, thank you.' That may be interpreted and thrown back at you a million ways, but don't get into that. Just stick to the top level of things. In my experience, if you get dragged into any subtext, they drag you down and then swamp you with expert emotional blackmail and abuse. Don't go there.

When you've done it, do something soothing. Always good to remember to reward and look after ourselves!

Agreed - the boundaries info on here will be helpful.

[Cordelia]

I would either not respond or else respond with a noncommittal, one word response along the lines ScarletOlive suggests.  Definitely don't get emotionally drawn in, which is clearly what she wants. 

Meanwhile, she was wanting me there all to herself. Being her only girl, she has always had this weird possessiveness with me- wanting me ALONE - to drain me for every ounce of emotion I have... .  

Whoo, I am familiar with this.  It's so creepy. 

Good for you for taking a week off to disengage from the drama!  Even though it's back, it sounds like it was good to have a great at least... .  

[UpwardAndOnward]

Thanks everyone. I did respond- later in the night and kept it short and simple without engaging. I always get so worked up when she contacts me and sometimes it's really not necessary. Appreciate everyone's advice and I will read further on the boundaries.